My friend, the very successful entrepreneur, business coach and strategist, Sarah Robinson recently tweeted, “Unclear expectations are at the root of most upset and disappointment.”
This excellent thought can be viewed in either of two ways (and I did not ask her how she meant it):
1. Not being clear on your own goals and what you expect to accomplish.
2. Two or more people working together on a project either as partners or as supplier and client and not being clear on what each expects from the other.
Let’s look at the second meaning. This is where understanding of belief systems comes into play, as well as communication in terms of an ability to effectively clarify.
“What I believe you heard is not what you think I said.”
-A. Nonymous
We are all products of different upbringing, environment, friends, schools, teachers, news media, television shows, movies, and other experiences. And, how we consciously — but mainly unconsciously — accepted the various information fed to us comprises our individual beliefs. One huge challenge is that we assume everyone else basically thinks, feels and believes the way we do. (Ex: “But, everyone feels that way!”)
Even specific words often mean different things to different people.
So, when approaching any project in which part of that success depends on the actions of another (or others) it is vital to be sure expectations are very clearly defined.
And, that those expectations are agreed upon by all parties and put in writing.
Interesting: While we often pine for the days when “that person was so honest, a contract wasn’t needed; his or her word/handshake was good enough” that is actually an extremely dangerous way to do business.
Not because of dishonesty. No, because of different belief systems, which lead not only to different interpretations but different memories of what was said and expected.
In other words, a written contract or agreement not only holds everyone accountable; it ensures all expectations are defined and clarified, and agreed upon by all concerned.
Yes, clarification and agreement are both so very important! So, before you hire someone, are hired by someone, or enter into any type of partnership, be sure that you dramatically decrease the odds of upset and disappointment.
Discuss and communicate needs and expectations until you’re certain everyone understands everyone else. And, then put them in writing so they are crystallized.
Again, this has nothing to do with lack of trust in anyone’s character — it’s simply an acknowledgment of different belief systems and unclear expectations that can very innocently lead…to dangerous results.
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Bob — you’re doing a great service with this call for written contracts – and it is actually the psychologist more than the lawyer in me that is applauding 🙂 Thank you!
In my experience, Sarah’s observation is spot on. When helping clients who are stuck or upset about something, often the first place I guide them is examining their expectations about the underlying situation.
As you point out, these misunderstandings often happen between good and honest people. A process of open communication and negotiation is essential in clarifying mutual expectations.
Surprisingly, this may be even more important when doing business with close friends and family. Even with an agreement in place, these can be hotbeds for violated expectations and the risks (potential loss of valued relationships) are high. For example, you sign a contract for agreed upon work with a friend/relative who really needs the money and they come back and say, “This is way more work than I thought. I need another $500.” These types of situations create an ongoing need to reclarify and communicate expectations.
As always, appreciate your wisdom! And love the quote by A. Nonymous — what a smart guy he was 🙂
Oh, GOD how IMPORTANT this particular post is, Bob! (YEARS ago, I wrote something about “Setting Expectations Early” (S.E.E.) in which I sought to stress the importance of clear and EARLY expectations. In recent years, I’ve noticed that this particular aspect of business is more important than ever…for all parties involved in doing business together…thanks for writing yet another great “Bob Burg” piece…
In particular, from my own personal experience, these two paragraphs are GEMS:
“Not because of dishonesty. No, because of different belief systems, which lead not only to different interpretations but different memories of what was said and expected.
In other words, a written contract or agreement not only holds everyone accountable; it ensures all expectations are defined and clarified, and agreed upon by all concerned.”
Those paragraphs may seem like traditional, every day paragraphs to speed-readers but, if read from the perspective of decades of working to get business deals so that we can get business done, I say they are priceless GEMS!
Thanks, again, Bob!
+Vincent Wright
Vincent: Thank you so much for your very kind and complimentary feedback. Much appreciated, my friend. And, I agree with you that the earlier and more clear the agreed-upon expectations, the more productive both the process and end results will be. BTW, I really LOVE your acronym, “S.E.E.”). That’s awesome!
Dr. Mollie: Spot on. Everything you wrote makes perfect sense. The suggestions in the original post had nothing to do with lack of character trust, and I think your reasoning (and examples) is perfect. Thank you for the observation from a Psychologists point of view. And, yes…that A. Nonymous never ceases to amaze me with his or her wisdom. 😉
WOW – Another GREAT toppic! And SOOO important! “Do you duplicate what was said or written?” That’s why it’s important to BUILD relationships – to get to KNOW what eachothers REALITIES are! ONLY then you can communicate without misunderstoods or realityclashes (or minimice misunderstoods). Building relationships makes it possible for you to communicate in a way, your friend understands what you want to “give” or “recieve”.
Lots of love to you Bob, I just recieved your book “Endless Referrals” (off topic – I know! – but looking forward to reading :)))
Lene: Thank you very much! And, great point you make: as we develop that relationship and get to know them better, we also have a better idea of *their* realities, don’t we? Lots of love back to you, my friend. You remain my favorite “Danish Pastry.” (Literally Danish – figuratively pastry) LOL 😉
Bob,
Since Lene mentioned about your book, “Endless Referrals”, I must say that book changed the way I used to think about networking and importance of building relationships. What an amazing book!
When it comes to setting clear expectations, there is no way anyone can challenge that. Like Mr. Henry Ford said, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will take you there.”, I don’t know how can we achieve something if we are not clear about our expectations from ourselves and those around us.
Clear expectations with a good way of communicating those involved, is such a powerful art. We must continuously work everyday to improve upon. Thank you for this awesome post!
Kumar: Thank you so very much for your very kind words about “Endless Referrals.” So glad you found that book to be of value. That makes me feel great! And, terrific points you make with regards to setting clear expectations, both for oneself and for the agreements one has with others. Indeed, vitally important! And, yes…we must work on it on a continuous basis!
Exactly Bob!!!!!!! How else are we going to add value? Building relationships and being deadhonest is SO important. And having a “clean mind” to be able to observe what is actually there, in the communication. And again – non judgemental – just observing and accepting that point of view – OOOHHH I LOVE these topics, can sence tem, taste them, and accept the differentiations, or what makes us unike – WOOOOH my passion Bob – I LOVE PEOPLE ♥ The better they are duplicated, the betteer their chances for GREATNESS!!! You see that???? It’s our responsibility too ♥
Great post Bob. I am a BIG believer in trusting people but you are so right how 2 people may have heard something and it meant different things to each of them. I remember one time I had a tenant that moved here from out of state, she was also a real estate agent, and upon move out I had held part of a deposit back because of an agreement we had about the utilities. When she didn’t get the full deposit back she was super upset with me and said that what we had discussed was not what had worked out. She was so mad and said “where I come from people are good to their word”. I said where I come from we are too, but we also back it up in writing and if you read the contract we both signed you can see I am following our agreement. As much as I want to believe we will all be on the same page it just doesn’t always happen, and its not that there is any malice, or ill intent, of either party to sc^&w the other, we just fight for what we believe to be the truth.
An excellent post. Many of the Industrial Disputes and differences will be thing of the past , if the age old habit of written documentation is followed as a ritual in all business deals.
Sampathkumar: Thank you. Getting to the point where there can be written documentation (at least, successfully written and documented) is still dependent on each party understanding the other and coming to an agreement of expectations. I certainly agree with you, though. The disputes and differences, when documented, are much more easily brought to correct conclusion. Thank you for sharing with us!
Lene: 🙂 🙂
Christie: What a great point you make. And, here’s the interesting thing about the Realtor/tenant that happened with. Typically, I’ve noticed (and, this could just me my belief systems at work) that the people who make the biggest noise about operating on trust are the ones with whom there always seems to be challenges, either directly in terms of trust or at least with misunderstandings. Those who really are trustworthy are happy to write things down and adhere to the agreements that are made. Sounds like you handled that very well, and with your usual and excellent sense of tact and kindness.
Why, thank you! I completely agree with you on your noise point. I too have noticed that those that make the most noise usually are the biggest offenders. Also with the Landlord/tenant thing there is just so much negotiations of so many different things, it is hard to keep track of where everything ended up. At the very least if someone doesn’t have a contract, an email with a recap is a smart way to be sure everyone is agreeing to what they think they have agreed to 🙂
What most people fail to do is recognize that they are also “bringing their own interpretations to the conversation” and this adds to the confusion. In my opinion LISTENING is the most important skill a GOOD Communicator can bring to the conversation. That’s why I’m constantly asking “What did you mean by that” in order to get my Customer to go deeper into their own interpretations of what their expectation is and LOLLL… somtimes they don’t even know what they meant. ‘I learned this profound lesson at an Art Exhibit.
Deremiah: That’s terrific; everything you said. Right on the mark, my friend!
Got me thinking of all the “handshake” deals I’ve done in the past.
You know, even if you don’t go through the trouble of an official “contract”, just getting expectations on paper is a really Really REALLY good idea.
No excuse for saying, “awwwww…I don’t have time right now to bother with a contract”. Takes you 5 minutes to draft up an expectation document.
Jason: I agree with you. While there is a proper time and place for an official contract as well as for a simply listing of expectations, the big thing is that – by the very fact it’s in writing (including the specific elements of mutual expectation) – it means that expectations have been thoughtfully discussed, hashed out and agreed upon. And, of course, it ensures that honest and genuine, but faulty memories are less likely to occur. At least, without something to help clarify. Thank you for sharing!
As always, Bob, just the thing I needed today! Thank you!
Kim: Thank you, my friend. So glad to hear that!