It’s easy to spot on Social Media platforms such as Facebook and Twitter, though it’s just as prevalent offline, as well: the inclination some have to find a reason — no, really more like an opportunity — to disagree.
Online, it typically goes like this (example made up but based on actual ones):
1. Someone posts a principle-based statement that clearly holds true in context.
Unnecessary fears can stop you from taking that important step toward success. Take action despite your fear!
2. Someone posts a response pointing to the one exception. (Some do this insultingly – others simply really believe they are adding value to the conversation)*
But what about those times when you would be putting your life in danger?
or, the nasty person responds…
Stupid advice. Are you telling someone to put their life in danger?!
3. Back and forth begins with original poster (unless choosing to ignore) responding with either patience or annoyance.
You are a _____ moron. Did I not begin tweet with the words, “UNNECESSARY fear.” Get a life (Of course, I don’t advise this response but have certainly seen it, often with cuss word in place of the blank line. However, this is a “family-style” blog) 🙂
4. Responder rarely agrees but perhaps feels good in that oh-so-strange way that argumentative people do.
Again, this also happens offline in one-on-one, group and presenter/audience conversations.
* Please don’t misunderstand my intent here and write, “So, Bob, you’re saying we should never say anything and just let people spout off nonsense that could be hurtful to people reading it who don’t know better?” (hmm, Holy Irony, Batman!). 🙂
There’s nothing wrong with questioning a statement. In fact, how cool when, regardless of the medium, we can all learn from one another through honest and respectful dialogue. Love it!
What I’m suggesting to those with the habit of pointing out the one contrarian example in an otherwise sound and principle-based statement is:
- Think about it first.
- Look for where you agree. Only then — if you feel it necessary — note the flaw.
- IF you feel it must be communicated publicly, do so politely, tactfully and respectfully. A couple of ways to begin would be, “Appreciate your thought. Just wondering, what…” or “If I may ask…” Personally, when possible, I choose to do it privately.
- Before hitting send or asking the question, ask yourself if your motivation is genuine desire to add value or if you are disagreeing simply as a way to get attention or begin an argument.
Whether online or offline, there is a way to agree and disagree, and a way to make yourself heard. Do you want to be taken seriously by others and expand your influence? Than make sure when you do this, it’s for the right reason.
And, a good first step is to question your motives? “Am I looking for points of agreement upon which to build a dialogue or for points of disagreement for…other reasons?
Now…feel free to disagree with me. I promise not to answer like in the earlier example. 😉
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Imagine what would happen if more people looked for intersections of agreement as a starting point. 🙂
Andrea: Great, great point. I imagine that would lead to much better understanding, as any areas of necessary disagreement would then take place within an environment of benevolence.
Bob,
Wow! What an awesome article and to the point. I have see this type of conversation happening right on this blog on one of the posts where you spoke about Free Enterprise System and it went in all directions.
Then, on LinkedIn, on Facebook, on Google+ – it happens all the time. I had a similar incident on Google+ when one of my post started a similar controversy.
Best of all, as you rightly said, it happens all the time, online or offline. It is easy for a statement to create controversy when we don’t think before we comment. And therefore, I love your closing suggestions. That is absolutely a key. Thank you for bringing our attention to such an interesting topic.
Regards,
Kumar
Kumar: Thank you for your very kind comments. And, yes, I do remember that. There also seems to be a correlation to topics that are – by their nature – emotional in nature, thus those who are prone to do so might tend to automatically look for where they disagree and feel the need to express that. Very seldom leads to growth and understanding for any of the parties involved. Unfortunate, but a part of life. And, hopefully, articles such as this will bring just a bit of awareness to the situation.
What a sad mindset, to have such a need to be right about SOMETHING that ANYTHING will do. One of my little cards says “Every conversation adds to the universal conversation. What have you contributed today?” I hope I contribute more accord than discord, and that when I do offer a challenge or different perspective, it is with the intent of adding to the original thought rather than detracting.
Which is not to say I never disagree with anyone. Sometimes the BEST I can add is my vehement disagreement. Very seldom do I find that my best, in this case, has any impact on the original conversation and I seldom offer it there, choosing to speak my truth to people who will listen, and live my truth for people who can see.
And for those who find cause to disagree with my truth, they’re welcome to do so and to speak and live whatever truth serves them best.
And then there are the times I forget that this is my truth and get caught in the whirlpool of argument 🙂 But those times are getting more rare.
I love the “environment of benevolence.” I’m adding that to my list of what I want to create in my life. And in my truth. Thank you!
Dixie: Thank you. And I LOVE your saying that “Every conversation adds to the universal conversation. What have you contributed today?” keeping that in mind alone will cause us all to think more before speaking and increasing the odds that what we say (or write, tweet, etc.) will actually add positively to that conversation. And, sometimes, we can even to that conversation simply by not saying/writing the first thing that comes to our mind. Hmmm, I think I need to practice that one more myself! 🙂
Yes, silence plays a vital role in the conversation. I feel a new card birthing. See what YOU added to the conversation? 🙂
Honored to be a part of it!
WOW – what a GREAT article Bob! This is such an important point in communication. I always find something I agree with, and acknowledge that. Always try to take that other persons viewpoint, because it’s their reality, and is as valueable to that person, as your own reality is to you.
Secondly we all know that it’s good to try to see the same thing, from different viewpoints. There is never just one truth. A good and simple example is if an accident happens, the ones that saw what happens have different “oppinions” of what happened, according to wich angle they witnessed this. And all of them is part of the truth.
Those who just want to disagree no matter what, I usually either acknowledge for giving their oppinion and if particular nasty, just ignore, as it usually is a vaste of time to go into their “drama”.
It actually a piece of art to handle communication well, and a challenge i love. I have to be able to do that when I do personal coaching, where I NEVER either evaluate or invalidate the persons reality, but get them to work with it long enough, so they find a solution that serves them at the point they are at, and are ready to change.
Again Bob i LOVE your articles and the topicks you touch.
THANK’S 🙂
Lene: Thank you. I always learn much from the wisdom in your responses. One of the several things I really enjoyed that you said was about the waste of time in regards to going into another person’s “drama.” And, as Don Miguel Ruiz taught us in “The Four Agreements” so often that’s exactly what it is. It’s theirs…unless we make it ours. Thank you very much for sharing with us!
Love it and YES we CAN Always Learn, Play, and Grow from any conversation, Idea, Share, even Feedback if we don’t feel the NEED to Control every conversation etc… and just be OPEN to listening, as YOU never know what it is YOU needed to hear to Learn and Grow… It might be learning to be have tolerance, be less judgmental or whatever it is…
And I agree Ignoring isn’t the complete answer, and Sometimes if You just say THANK YOU for sharing they are still feeling heard… and of course there is the balance if it is TRULY toxic setting boundaries and in that case I take it off the board and just send a nice personal note in an inbox saying Thank You for sharing AND… Please do not post things of this nature on my wall…
And Our conversations do impact the world thus we starting filming another documentary called
“Music with a Voice – Your Lyrics Impact the World” As all Words are Vibration and we are all vibrational energetic beings…
Thanks for the wonderful Post Bob and thanks for the equally great comments Dixie, Lene, and Bob…
Carly: Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and for always being an Ambassador of uplifting messages!
Thank’s a lot Bob! So true, it’s theirs 🙂
Love to you from Denmark
Love back to you and all of the awesome Danish Pastries. 🙂
yup, good advice on thinking about your motivation before you open mouth / type your response.
I have seem “lively” discussions in blog comments create a lot of interest and engagment on a topic. I guess we don’t always need to be in disagreement but we do need to think constructively…
…on the other hand I had an uncle who believed strongly that if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say it!
Cathy
Cathy: A very wise Uncle indeed! Thank you for sharing!
Oh Bob how I love your point of view!
Just the other day I had a “snarky bordering on mean” commenter on one of my mindset posts. He started with “This is a BAD post.”
I had to laugh as he pointed out that he was a mindset expert.
Then when searching for some training advice for my needy Bichon I encountered a smack down between two dog trainers — one of which was telling the other how stupid their advice is.
Thanks for a great post…and for making all those argumentative posters think twice about what they say.
Melanie: Thanks. Too funny (and, when I say “funny” I mean “not funny”) that the person doing that then claims to be a “mindset expert.” Amazing! And the two dog trainers. Wow! Meanwhile, on the topic of dogs, how is your cute little pup? Does he like having a step-daddy?
Bob, all of this is excellent, your orignal post and the comments afterward. Excellent!
Hugs to everyone for your thoughts and wisdom!
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PS One of these days I’m going to figure out how to get my picture to go on these comments. 🙂
Pam: Thank you, I appreciate that. And, I agree that the readers’ comments have been outstanding! Hugs back!
Oh, and is there anyone here who can help Pam with getting her avatar on these posts? I have no idea how.
Thanks for writing this, Bob. I appreciate your 2nd point when you said: “Look for where you agree”. What a paradigm shift that would be when we follow it. It reminds me of Mary Kay Ash’s teaching to “sandwich” each criticism with 2 compliments. Basically, find something that you admire first.
Coincidently, I wrote a post about the same topic a while ago. Hope you’ll enjoy the read http://www.artfullypersuasive.com/how-to-disagree-with-people-without-breaking-rapport/
Thank you for all you do 🙂
Mazen: Thank you for your kind feedback and comments. Very appreciated!
I might make this required reading for staff in the discussion forums I operate.
Pastor Tom: Thank you. What an awesome compliment. Please know how much I appreciate your kind comment!