A tweet yesterday morning on Twitter caught my attention. It was:
“If you have a horrible sinus infection & would rather be dead: NONETHELESS GO TO WORK WITH A HEARTY DEMEANOR.
Fake it! Screw ‘authenticity’.”
I couldn’t resist responding. That tweet was an example of — what I believe is — an incorrect understanding of authenticity; in this case, that to show up authentically would be to let everyone know how lousy you feel. One might more accurately say that is “transparency,” though I also don’t think it is the time and place for that, either.
In my opinion, showing up authentically means doing your very best despite how lousy you feel. Authenticity certainly doesn’t mean giving into your problems or challenges. And, it doesn’t mean that — other than in communicating with someone who needs to know how you’re feeling — that you need to bend over backwards in order to be transparent, either.
Authenticity means being yourself. It doesn’t mean you allow that which you feel at the moment to control you; as though if you were to “go to work with a hearty demeanor” — as the tweeter suggested doing — that would somehow make you less authentic.
Like the person who is scared to do something, but does it anyway, you are are not avoiding your authentic nature; rather you are boldly stepping into it.
Take, for instance, the person who says, “I have anger issues, I scream and yell at people, that’s just the way I am and to be otherwise would not be authentic.” That’s baloney! True authenticity would be the person understanding that they have an issue, they need to work on it, improve themselves, and evolve into a higher, more effective authentic self.
As human beings, we can work on our traits long-term. And, we can act our way into feeling the way we desire to feel short-term. And, we can even put aside our immediate challenges such as the sinus infection the tweeter apparently had and go into work and do the job we’re supposed to do, good attitude and all…without that being inauthentic.
So, two thoughts, if I may. One, let’s not confuse authenticity with being a slave to our present feelings. And, two, let’s utilize our authentic selves in order to propel us to our next highest level; not keep us where we are.
And, if you have a bad back and someone other than your doctor asks, “how are you?”… it’s absolutely okay to say, “Grrreat, thanks!” 🙂
Do I have this right or wrong? What are your thoughts?
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Great Post Bob . I totally agree with you in this subject. There are way to many people that a re craving feed back on there Drama/anger issues . I look at each day as a gift , including the dasy I feel not so well. Should I tell someone that I do nto feel well , yes i expect them to ask why. In that case I just opened a door for me to feel sorry for myself .. With that being said , we manifest each days choices with our actions and thoughts…
I love your post’s Bob thanks again for helping me grow …
Mike
Good morning Bob!
Yes, I agree.
As I continue to mature and grow, I allow my authentic self to be transparent to others.
Warmly,
Liz
P.S. Putting this as a quote from you on my wall this morning: “Let’s not confuse authenticity with being a slave to our present feelings. And, two, let’s utilize our authentic selves in order to propel us to our next highest level; not keep us where we are.”
Wow! What thoughts. I am currently working on the ‘step through’ the fear and do it anyway. It is an amazing place to be and so thankful for all the suppport I have aquired or looked for along the way. I so enjoy ‘loving on’ others, and when it is a ‘bad day’ well, it will be a bit more of a struggle, however,it is amazing to ‘practice’ encouraging others(getting outside my own ‘bad day’) and the world seems to brighten up some. Or a lot, depending on the situation/s I choose to be involved in. Transparency and Authentic at times I could see run and blurr together. Transparency I would think would be ‘saved?” for a family member/very very close friend or spouse. Authenticity, that would be standing firm in the values/morals one has/develops over a life time? I just recently did my first ToastMasters Speech, the Icebreaker,,,,was told I wore my heart on my sleeve, and was very authentic and don’t ever do a sqeech without it. Humm, could honesty and telling the truth be in there somewhere to. Ah the love of the English Language.
Thanks for the post, Bob.
Had a conversation with a client about this very thing. She has a LOT of anxiety – something we’ve been working on with much success. However…she told me about a important presentation she had to make last week to a large group of investors. She was so anxiety ridden that she became physically sick. She mentioned this to her boss who told her “That makes you who you are.” In other words, her boss was telling her that to be her authentic self she had to show up so concerned about the outcome it made her sick to her stomach. And…even worse, when I suggested that she balance for “I’m calm and self-assured”, she resisted doing it because she wanted to be ‘authentic’. Crazy!!!
I appreciate your posts, my friend. Always so insightful and thought provoking.
I did not check the notify me of comments box,,,,sorry Diane
Interesting post, Bob. It is very easy to confuse the true definition of authenticity. I relate it to honesty. In the post, the person can go to work and feel miserable but still do their tasks and uphold their commitments. Transparency could be acknowledging that they do not feel well, but will press on. I also liked your statement towards the end, “…let’s utilize our authentic selves in order to propel us to our next highest level; not keep us where we are.”. Powerful, my friend!
Great distinction, Bob. I see the difference between authenticity and tranparency but hadn’t thought about it until now. I am sharing with my social media connections and using this lovely quote… “let’s utilize our authentic selves in order to propel us to our next highest level; not keep us where we are.” Thank you, as always, for the insight.
Sabrina
I had a situation in which I had to cancel something because of a very painful health issue. Rather than going into the whole thing I told them something came up, I was in a lot of pain, and I would like to get with them later. Later I was accused by this self professed most authentic person of not only being unauthentic I was accused of being a lier!!! I hadn’t seen or spoken to this person in 2 months and now I am expected to divulge my whole medical history? So does this make me wrong?
I believe you got it ABSOLUTELY right! We can be authentically interested in putting on a happy face, despite feeling not so happy. It’s not, in any way, inauthentic OR “opaque” to avoid talking about (or worse yet, focusing on) our sinus infections or back pain, or small bank accounts or lousy relationship, etc. In fact its rather considerate. And here’s the best part…just the act of putting on the happy face can do a great deal to help us FEEL happier. :o)))))
So glad you didn’t let that tweet slip by. I know sometimes we see something like that and, especially if it comes from someone we respect or someone respected by others, we let it go without comment. Now THAT isn’t being authentic. But you, in your authentically kind way, responded with a new perspective, shared your perspective with others and invited others to share their perspective with you as well. I’d call that “acting in alignment with your HIGHEST authentic self.”
I challenge people to be mindful of who they really ARE – that best self that they were from the day they took their first breath. Then to focus on who they CHOOSE to be – that vision of their best self as it achieves its greatest potential. Those two descriptions (nature and how we choose to apply “nurture” or experience) combine to become our core authentic self.
I’ll bet very few of us would say “my best self was born angry!” Or “my vision of my best self is to allow my anger to rule my behavior.” So that isn’t their core authentic self. “Being authentic” then is the process of teaching ourselves to feel and behave in a manner that is consistent with that core authentic self.
If they WOULD say “my best self is my angry self” then they are free to be angry, and to enjoy/suffer the consequences of that choice.
Ok… apparently I need to write on this 🙂 Thanks for getting that ball rolling.
Wow, Dixie. What FANTASTIC insight! You are right; there are really only two questions anyone needs to answer: Who am I, and who do I CHOOSE to be.
As far as anger, I respectfully submit that often it is not just a matter of saying, “I don’t want to be angry and, therefore, I am not going to let my anger show.” That’s just sweeping a real, deeper issue under the rug and, by most people’s definition here, would be unauthentic. But, to Bob’s point, if one is willing to do the difficult personal work to look at WHY they are so angry all the time, and resolve THOSE issues, then not only is that giving yourself permission to be your authentic self, but to transform into the best version of yourself that you can be. Don’t SUPPRESS or IGNORE the anger, DEAL with it would be my suggestion.
As far as going to work when not feeling well, I have a friend who is going through chemo. Her doctor suggested she wear a wig to cover up her baldness and “make her feel better” while at work. But she told me she didn’t want to cover up what she was going through, and wanted to serve as a positive role model to others who may be facing similar challenges. So, she goes to work, and doesn’t talk about her cancer unless someone asks her. She recently told me, “Ever since I made the decision to stay bald and not wear a wig, people at work have come out of the woodwork to tell me their stories, to offer support, and to tell me how seeing me have the courage to let me baldness show has given them strength to become better, stronger individuals in THEIR daily lives. ”
On the other end of the spectrum, I have a client (a fairly young woman), who has diabetes. Every time I meet with her, the first and last thing she mentions in the meeting is her diabetes: how she can’t eat this, and has to eat every so many minutes to keep her blood sugar up, and how she has to get exactly so much sleep or it sends her diabetes out of control. At first I was empathetic. But now (and this is going to make ME sound as if I need anger management …LOL!) I just want to tell her to shut up about it already.
Of course I didn’t do that. But what I did do one time when she went on her diabetes pity party was to casually say, “Oh, yes; that is a struggle to have an illness like that. My mom has lupus, and for years, no one even knew she had it because she was such a strong person and just went about her daily life. When she was ill, she stayed home. But, otherwise, she was the pillar of strength. Although the disease was a huge personal struggle for her, it also made her into a ‘strong silent’ type, which I’ve always been so in awe of.”
My client still mentions her diabetes in every meeting, but at least it is not longer the main topic. And, I DO feel bad for her; I know she is going through a terrible time. But I have also had some of her co-workers tell me in confidence that they avoid her just because they are sick of hearing about her diabetes.
Hi Everyone. Getting back to the blog and am overwhelmed by your wisdom-filled and awesome posts. Please pardon my brief thoughts and acknowledgments and know that I’ve read and appreciate every one of them and I greatly appreciate YOU!
Liz: Awesome. Thank you. So glad you enjoyed it!
Diane: Great thoughts. And, congrats on your Toastmasters Icebreaker!
Susan: The tough part of that it seems as though what they did was to take something that is authentic in a positive way (that she cares) and took it to an unhealthy extreme (that the caring must manifest itself in sickness). What a shame!
Chi Chi: Thank you. And, yes, there is a time and place for transparency. There seems lately to be this calling for totally 100 percent transparency of everything, all the time. I’m not sure where that came from but, not only is that not necessary; it is often very counter-productive.
Michael: Thank you. Yes, a time and place for most everything!
Sabrina: Thank you. I greatly appreciate your kind comments!
Linda: Great points, as always!
Dixie: Thank you for your very kind words. And, I love your take on it. I sense there will be a “Dixie Dynamite” blog post on that topic soon! 🙂
Vicki: Thank you for your comments. Really a great example of there being a time and place for most everything!
Lilyana: I’m sorry that happened. Without knowing the entire story, my initial thought is that what that person did had MUCH more to do with HIM or HER than it did with you.
For me, authenticity is about full self-expression. That means in whatever way I choose. Along with authenticity comes responsibility. There is a certain level of decorum suggested, depending upon the situation. But authenticity certainly does not mean puking my drama all over the others at hand.
Lilyana, when I decline an invitation, I do not feel compelled to divulge the reason for my choice. Some things are personal. Bob, I agree that this situation was about the OTHER person.
Most of all, authenticity is about being real. Primarily, authenticity begins with myself. When I am not real with myself about my motivations and behaviors, others will certainly see right through.
My actions may be outrageous or cavalier in the name of being “Authentic.” However, everyone else can see that the emperor has no clothes. That is transparent!
Great topic and brilliant insights! Along the vein of Dixie’s sharing “focus on who they CHOOSE to be – that vision of their best self as it achieves its greatest potential. Those two descriptions (nature and how we choose to apply “nurture” or experience) combine to become our core authentic self.”
I think of authenticity as an energetic state of being.
I often help people to align their heart, head and actions through a process of working with horses. Horses are magnificent mirrors that immediately reflect whether or not we are energetically in alignment with our intentions and our actions. Anger, sadness, fear, joy, love, grief and contentment are all authentic emotions that contribute to our energetic state of being.
Authenticity emerges when we as individuals can acknowledge and embrace our emotions for the information they have to convey and transform them with our intentions to evolve to the next highest version of who-we-really-are! This known as emotional agility.
When at liberty, horses will not align themselves with a person or group that is ‘faking’ a behavior that is not congruent with their emotions. Horses are always looking for leadership. When someone as become the leader of themselves they demonstrate a certain level of emotional agility. Repressed emotions will manifest, sooner or later in the most inappropriate and even harmful ways, such as rage, depressions, disease and so on.
Telling the world you feel like crap today isn’t authenticity. The fact that you feel like crap is an indication that you are out of alignment with your highest intentions for yourself either in thought, action or belief. Telling the world you feel like crap today may be transparency, but unless it moves you into alignment (or closer to) your highest intentions for your best self, then I have to concur… it’s not authentic.
Wow. I had never really thought about what it meant to be “authentic.” I figured it meant real, your “real” self when applied to a person. After looking at these posts, I went and looked up “Authentic” and, according to the Advanced English Dictionary: conforming to fact and therefore worthy of belief; and “Authenticity:” undisputed credibility.
Now I can see why others have been talking about the “best self” as part of authenticity, and why what we think and how we act must be in alignment. Our actions are colored by our intentions. When we are truly “on purpose” our actions even if erroneous will reflect our intentions.
Experts exude authenticity — they have undisputed credibility. Practitioners who are consciously working to improve their skills are authentic because they are working toward a standard. Some are careless and unconcerned…and authentic–it is who they are and want to be.
The challenge for most people is that they are enamored with the idea of standards but don’t seek to live them. These people come off as inauthentic. They are the ones who feel conflicted and out of control. Learning to honestly look at one’s self and recognize where one’s “best self” and one’s actions are at odds does take courage — the courage to reflect, decide, become, and ultimately achieve congruency of thought and action.
Anthony Weiner recently provided some Vivid examples of How Authenticity and Transparency can interact And Change.