I recently tweeted and posted on Facebook one of my favorite thoughts:
“Just because you think it doesn’t mean you have to say it.
Self-editing before speaking can help avoid much regret.”
It seemed as though practically everyone who commented could relate, not only to the statement itself, but that we’ve all fallen victim to our own lack of heeding it. I know I have. Make that, I know I have!
At live events, when discussing self-editing, I’ll often receive a question. It generally goes something like:
“But Bob, doesn’t self-editing; watching what we say; being careful that it isn’t hurtful, insulting, rude, or simply the wrong thing to say…doesn’t that take a lot of work? I mean, isn’t it difficult?”
And, the short answer is, YES, it is difficult.
The longer answer is, Yes, it is difficult. And, like any habit, the more we practice, the less difficult it is. The more we focus on improving upon this trait; the easier and more natural it becomes. As we retrain the pathways in our brain, self-editing becomes more natural and, in time, while we may not master it, we can certainly become a lot more proficient in this regard.
Have you found this to be true?
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This reminds me of think before you speak. Because we have are a variety of emotions and at times we react instead of respond it can be a challenge. I believe and do practice “editing.” I remind myself in the different areas and moments of my life that remaining conscious in the moment by being aware of similar but different times I have been in the same situation when I didn’t edit and that a lot of those didn’t go as I would have liked them. I catch myself and really try to avoid rehearsing what I am going to say as soon as the person I am talking with starts to talk, which I have found blocks usually critical information I need from them to understand their position. I also give a space before I respond. If it is true we think faster than we speak wouldn’t a short time of reflection before we speak be wise?
Absolutely true for me. Not always easy for sure, but always effective.
I think self-editing is like many skills in this way…when you feel like it the least, it may matter the most!
Today’s blog also reminds me to keep my eye on the objective – relentless focus on the good result. Self-editing prevents me from allowing people or situations to “pull” unproductive behaviors out of me. It also reminds me of something I heard long ago. (Wish I could credit the wisdom. Perhaps someone here will know.) “You’ll never regret what you didn’t say in anger.”
Great post Bob! Thank you for kicking off (what I know will be) another GREAT discussion with some of the best commentors on the planet.
Absolutely, self-editing becomes easier with practice. Humbling ourselves, acknowledging our human weaknesses along with others, gives us the grace to pause before speaking what’s on our minds. Quickly acknowledging and apologizing when it may slip can also bring some damage control and credibility back to you. The taste of shoe leather gets old!
Robin, great points all…And, yes, when we do slip up (as will happen), your advice to quickly acknowledge and apologize is the best thing we can do. And, you’re right; shoe leather doesn’t taste good at all! 🙂
Dondi, I totally loved your comments. Thank you for sharing so much wisdom throughout. What you said in the second paragraph is so very key, and gives me something to think about next time I don’t feel like practicing it! 🙂 And, your third paragraph about the importance of the objective is a great reminder of how we can inspire ourselves to take this necessary action. And, yes, it keeps us from allowing others to…well, really, you said it all. Thank you so much for sharing with us!
John, yes, absolutely it’s the difference between responding and reacting. And, as you said, remaining conscious is so key to success in this regard. AND, comparing it to past experiences, similar though different provides us with a reminder of the lesson we have already learned, and is a very effective way to work something that happens in the moment. Thank you John, I appreciate your sharing with us!
Bob, I surely can relate to this. I used to do that very often because I was raised in a family where being “witty” was considered as a quality. But, when, something like 4 years ago, things changed in my life and I finally opened to the people, I realized that that behavior was hurting other people. It was not easy to change, because, as you said, it’s a path in your brain that you need to alter.
I still catch myself sometimes and I try to offer my apologies afterwards to the person I could have hurt. And that is another difficult thing to do… But the, nobody said that it is easy to become a good human being 🙂
Nadia, thank you for sharing yourself with us regarding how difficult it can be to change when having grown up in an environment where the opposite was often desirable. However, the fact that you recognized it and have constantly worked on it is a real credit to you. It was great meeting you and Gene recently at the event in Charlotte. Obvious as to why the two of you are true leaders.
Brilliant wisdom here, both from you and, as Dondi says “some of the best commentors on the planet”.
For the past 3-4 years, I’ve really applied this to my relationship with my children and our relationships have flourished because of it. Somehow I used to think being “the mom” gave me permission to just blurt out whatever I thought needed to be said, justifying any hurt feelings with the “it’s for their own good” excuse. Silly, silly mom! I’m way better (perhaps older and wiser) now and I enjoyed this post very much.
Thanks Bob!
Nadia, such insight! It takes such courage to realize something we have always seen as a strength and a quality (in some situations) is damaging. I can relate to this!
For years I was SUPER proud of my ability to “CONFRONT.” For me, that was like a badge of honor. I still remember where I was standing when awareness hit me. My strength had crossed a line and was now damaging my relationships. That was the day I realized anything “overdone” will “undo.”
Appreciated your comments so much Nadia! (Bob I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here! Thank you for the discussion.)
Dondi
Linda, I am so glad that you shared this. I love my Dad to death, but my heart still burns in the places he has hurt me with comments years and years ago. Because he is Dad, there is (still despite my grand age) no way to even think to tell him that. These are the rules. But I firmly believe that the “own good” of your children can be expressed with respect. After all, we want them to be respectful of others too… Thanks for sharing this.
Dondi, thanks for having read my comment. I totally understand where you are coming from. There was a time I was as “super proud” as you were about that ability, what I thought was a lack of fear. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately…) I face another challenge: I have to express myself 24/7 in a language that is not my mother tongue. I realize that sometimes things don’t come across like I really wanted to. More work, more work…
Bob, thanks and it was a great pleasure for us too. You have always made me think a lot, but even more so since last Wednesday. Obviously, YOU said the right things 🙂
Linda, Wow…I’ll bet you just caused a lot of Moms and Dads to notice certain things they may not have previously and perhaps consider them a bit differently! Thank you so much!
Dondi, I LOVE when everyone starts discussing. Please never hesitate to jump in. I learn more from all of you than I ever possibly could from my own writing. After all, I already knew what I decided to write (or, perhaps more accurately…thought I knew) LOL!
Nadia, thank you, my friend! 🙂
ALWAYS such an authentic and inspiring discussion Bob. Thank you!
P.S. Linda, you have this Mom thinking today!
When I look back, almost always my gaffe occurred because I wasn’t fully engaged with the other person. If I’m ever in a situation where other people are involved, and I feel nervous, I try to focus on simply being human, and treating others as human–knowing we all cherish feeling cared for and appreciated. I do this even with people I’m intimidated by. Being in this space of joy allows me to stop thinking of the words, and if I’ll slip up. Ultimately what comes out of me verbally is just fine.
Jo, what great thoughts. Thank you for sharing. Your advice is extremely helpful!
Dondi, thank you. I’m looking at all the leaders who’ve been commenting and I’m “kvelling” (bursting with joy!) 🙂
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was ‘wait 2 seconds before answering a question’. Almost seems too simple to be true, but these 2 seconds can really be all it takes to organize your thoughts and come up with the right words to share them.
Wim
Wim, that two seconds can make a lifetime of difference, can’t it? Thanks for sharing!
Great post, Bob! Yes, although “self-editing” is not a natural born skill, with practice and focus it can become second nature. As people develop socially and professionally, I believe there is an accountability and responsibility which is associated with those processes. In the past, I was able to say things freely without much discretion. But now, I have to be cautious depending on my circle and environment. It is not a bad or difficult thing. It is just a higher level of awareness and understanding. Thanks again for all of your hard work!
Thank you, Chi Chi. And, yes, the responsibility key is part, because we really are taking responsibility for what we say and don’t say. And, that’s something a professional (and a leader) is always willing to do!
And the short answer is : amen.amen.amen. !!!!
LOL Thank yeaux, my friend! 🙂
I LOVE this post Bob because it’s actually a topic that a very good friend and I have often discussed. As some others have mentioned how you are raised contributes greatly to your self-editing ‘software’. As someone who was raised in an abusive household I observed and retained how powerful words can be and it is 2nd nature for me to self edit.
Here’s where it gets interesting…my friend has the complete opposite perspective. She believes that it is inauthentic when you withhold what you’re thinking…to her it is better to be brutally honest and lay it on the table so to speak…while I believe (based on how I grew up, that words can be used as weapons and as you said…once they are out there they can NEVER be taken back). My friend and I agree to disagree on this subject 😉
For me it comes down to what I most value…kindness with integrity, empathy, and conducting myself the way I want to be treated by others.
Wonderful discussion!
Cheers 🙂
Danielle
Hi Danielle, I’m so sorry to hear that you grew up in an abusive relationship, and very much admire your strength. Regarding your friend’s thoughts on the positivity of being “brutally honest’, I can only quote the line, “I find those who take pride in being brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest.” But, that’s just my opinion. Difficult for me to equate authenticity with “mean-spiritidness.” To me, brutal honesty should never be used as an *excuse* for being unkind. Of course, there are certainly times where we have to say things that might cause someone pain, and honesty is certainly a very admirable and necessary quality. All else being equal, we should always be honest with a person. But, while everything has its proper time and place, brutality is usually not necessary. As one additional thought – and again, with regards to your friend feeling that it is “inauthentic if you are not brutally honest – ask her (in a gentle way; one that will not cause her to be defensive) to provide you with one example where “brutal” honesty might not be the best way to handle a situation. In other words, a way one could be gently honest, or tactfully honest and still be authentic. Let her come up with the answer rather than you giving it to her. Perhaps, once she does, she’ll rethink it a bit. Then again…maybe not. 🙂
I think “brutally honest” is often double speak for “brutally self-indulgent”. We all carry opinions (and they are only opinions) about another persons appearance, the value of certain lines of work, the foods we choose to eat, the validity of religious or political views held by others, and on and on. Welcome debate on a topic is often very different than allowing our personal views to spill out of our mouths at every opportunity.
Words are very powerful, especially when spoken by someone who is respected by their audience, in a position of power or authority or just seemingly better informed (and things aren’t always as they seem). Words can encourage at just the right moment or cripple for an indeterminate amount of time.
I agree with Danielle and appreciate your post Bob. Empathy is our best editor.
Your have a wonderfully kind leadership style Bob.
Thank you.
Geri
Geri, thank you, both for sharing your thoughts, and for your kind compliment!
Great post, Bob. ALL of us need to learn the art of self-editing. And it IS an art! Retraining our brains obviously isn’t easy to do but it is totally necessary, especially in today’s society. We need to remember the power of our words, our thoughts, and our actions. What we say is a direct result of our thoughts and our actions are often our thoughts without words.
Our nation has certainly gone cold on some of the values Danielle mentions…kindness with integrity, empathy, and the golden rule. Discussions like these can be powerful reminders to all of us to practice self-control in thought, word, and deed. A kind word, a smile, a gentle touch, careful listening, an encouraging nod…these are some of the tools we can carry with us every day to our conversations and communications.
Thank you for such a thoughtful post.
awww thank you…it’s only been in the last 10 years that I am able to truly appreciate that my experiences during my childhood have been invaluable life lessons that give me my own unique lens through which I view the world.
I LOVE “I find those who take pride in being brutally honest are usually more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest.” And I believe that you really nailed it with that sentence. To me it’s seems that it’s a way of putting the other person off balance in order to control some aspect of that situation. As I think about it from what you’ve said, that just caused a shift for me 🙂
What I have learned is that it’s not my job to change her either 😉 I can only control me and the amount of energy that I’m willing to devote to it. I will try your suggestion and keep you posted 😉
Warmly,
Danielle
Wow Geri and Mary,
such incredibly insightful thoughts…Geri I love “brutally self-indulgent”…brilliant! Mary…the tools you mentioned are ones we should all be carrying in our toolbox for sure!
Danielle
Mary, very nice. Thank you for sharing with us!
Danielle, I am just totally tickled that you enjoyed that quote (I only wish I had made it up) 🙂 And, absolutely it is not your job to change her. Once you provide someone with the opportunity to see something in a different way, it is then up to them. I wrote a blog post about this where I quoted one of my great mentors, Bill Gove, who said, “You are responsible TO people, not FOR people.” 🙂
Great post Bob. Having been in recovery a few years, I have learned to read and apply some things. One is: “Pause when agitated or doubtful” After having to go back and say I am sorry, SO many times, this really helps. And Yes, it is diificult. (like you say ) practice, practice, practice.
I am emailing you the article on CARE. It was in the Atlanta Business Chronicle today. Love your feedback. Thanks again for all you do, Bob.
Al
Wow Bob…these quotes are delicious nuggets of wisdom!!
xo
Danielle
Thank you, Al. Terrific thought! And, congratulations on your published article. Way to go!
Danielle, thank you. XO back at ya’, my friend!
Awesome blog, Bob! I guess the 35 responses confirms this! So many great responses from your friends…. “responding vs. reacting” really hit home with me….. I’m sure most of us will agree that any desire to ‘self-edit’ will more likely result when we have reacted (vs. respond).
I thought of my amazing father so much while reading your blog and the responses! Among the many lessons I learned from him:
-“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it!”. (This will ring in my head forever!).
-“If you are upset or angry, try and wait 24 hrs before you respond. You will think more clearly and rationally by then!”. (This lesson has saved me so many times…. especially in business/leadership).
Thanks again, my friend!
Hi Mary, thank you for your kind comments. And, thank you for sharing your Father’s very profound wisdom with us!
Bob, this is so true and the adage, “easier said than done” is very appropriate to this post.
I would also say that some people may not even know they NEED to censor what they say.
In fact, I found a cool personality test online called the “Self-monitoring Personality Quiz – Do You Censor What You Say.” (did you write that?). Anyway, it is a fun tool to see just how far we go with our words and what we hold back. Feel free to check it out: http://www.outofservice.com/self-monitor-censor-test/
Have a beautiful, love-filled day, My friend!
Heidi
Hi Heidi, as always, your suggestions are right one. Yes, easier said than done, without question. And, double-yes to the fact that some may not even be aware of the need. (Wish I were joking on that last part.) 🙂 Cool about the online test. I definitely didn’t write it but do look forward to taking a look. Thank you, my awesome friend!
Bob and All, my first foray into your world via John Maxwell Founders Team-just love the exchange here and wanted to share something that is helpful to me and would love to know if anyone else is supported in this goal of learning to express in authentic and helpful ways through self editing. As a coach, there are times when clients/family, friends are in such a crisis and trust you so much that you know your every word will be ingested and integrated and the responsibility is tremendous.
There are times when I am clear that the first words in my mind to respond with are not going to be shared as they may not be understood with their true intent, yet I can’t find the reframe in my mind verbally. So I go to the pictorial image or kinesthetic sense of my goal–for example, I picture embracing and calming the person, focus wholly on the desired outcome as would be expressed in a biological outcome–such as a sigh and a smile, a sense of inner peace, and while I hold that as my vision, I trust the words will flow through me from above. I am so often stunned at how wonderfully really tricky situations can resolve fluidly. I, in effect, am editing my image, to be sure the image is in alignment with the highest good rather than slipping into the image of fear-theirs or my own. I also sometimes simultaneously ask mentally to be guided to respond in the highest good.
Hi Lisa. First, welcome, new friend. So glad to have you here with us. The people in this community of friends and commenters are amazing and I say, with great pleasure, that I learn far more from them and their wisdom-filled comments than vice-versa. Yes, I relate to what you are saying that – at times – it seems like the first words out of our mouths in certain situations are absolutely key…yet we are really not sure what they should be. And, I think the advice you shared with us is perfect. I have not done that anywhere near to the degree I should have but will now begin applying that much more. Thank you, Lisa!
I don’t feel good about myself the times I have given in to the narcissistic temptation to just ‘let ‘er fly’. The outcome was never the outcome I had really hoped for.
As leaders, parents, teachers, brothers, sisters, friends, bosses, mentors, and anyone with a voice in these particularly heated and stressful times, we have an opportunity to step into excellence in the heat of the moment. A genuine ‘Go-Giver’ intention would have a heart desiring to serve as opposed to being right, push an agenda, be vindicated or indulge in intense reactions like a drama king or queen. Be wise and harmless but by all means, speak up and have a voice! Not a reactionary one. Take a silent moment and think about the big picture and the other person before you speak!
A “Go Giver’ would make it SAFE and therefore POSSIBLE for someone to hear what is on their heart. I would be honest as well as responsible for guarding my tongue. And I would be kind when I do speak, using wisdom, tact, love and respect.
That is the outcome I envision. That is the standard I have for myself. And I LOVE that all these wonderful commentators share this vision! Thanks all!
Hi Jerilyn, thank you for sharing your extremely wise teaching. Knowing you for years, I’ve seen you lead the field (a huge field) and it has always been obvious to me as to why that is, and why those you lead think and feel so highly about you. Your comment above is a reflection of everything you are and all that you do. And, I really love your theme being on the “outcome.” Thank you, my friend, for sharing your wisdom with us!
Hi Bob, thanks for this post. It came at an uncanny moment for me, and that’s why I fav-ed your link to revisit when I have time to post a comment and a thank you.
You see, the night I read this, I was just at an old friend’s birthday party. And this person was really being unnecessarily mean, with the jabs disguised as jokes and it was an extremely jarring experience for me. My life now is filled with warm, vulnerable and compassionate people – so I found the entire experience incredibly disturbing. And after the function, I told that person so. For 2 reasons, 1, I was so disturbed I needed to right the situation by addressing it; and 2, to make aware to that person how it came across so hopefully it won’t be repeated.
I feel that people who don’t self-edit before they speak negatively, speak from a place of immaturity, fear & insecurity. I have been there before of course, and looking back, I can see the real reasons behind the things I said. I was insecure and wanted to make myself look & feel good, by feeding off someone else. That’s the real truth. Having worked more on myself now & my prosperity consciousness, I can’t bear conversations that involve sarcasm, gossip & negativity, especially if it involves someone else. It makes me sick literally.
I can’t remember from which religious/ spiritual philosophy this 3-part principle to judge on whether something should be said or not, but it sure is a great way to reflect on something before responding vs reacting from the gut. 3 questions to consider: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary? This has helped me much in my process of self-editing. I have another simple philosophy now: If it’s not in contribution or serves to lift everyone involved up, it’s not something that needs airtime.
Individual mindfulness relating to this will serve to change the world in massively positive ways, one sentence at a time – thank you for bringing more awareness on this important topic.
Jamie, thank you so much for sharing with us. I’m very sorry you had to experience and that it was uncomfortable for you. On the other hand, you seem to have handled it beautifully, and most likely added some exceptional value to the life of your old friend. Thanks again!