One of the biggest difficulties many bosses have is how to maintain a positive, encouraging and even friendly relationship with their employees, while still keeping intact the line between boss and employee. The key, as usual, is positive communication.
Beth from Michigan writes:
“Bob, my staff has been with my company as long as I have and, over the years, we have become friends. Now that I am overseeing them, I tend to be too nice when asking them to do something.
“I try to instill confidence in them and support them, but I feel it backfires when I ask for the same in return. How do I get them to respect my wishes in a tactful way without having to say, ‘Hey, I am the boss here.’?”
Beth, let me assure you this is an extremely common question, and I guarantee that many readers are right now thinking, “I could have written that letter.”
Back in the days when I actually had an office and a staff, this was at times a challenge for me, as well because I tended to get very close to my employees and develop friendships with them. It was also part of the joy of having my company, so unfriending them (which, I guess, before Facebook, was not actually a word) 🙂 wasn’t an option that I’d have chosen.
At the same time, it’s one of those human principles that, while familiarity might not necessarily breed contempt, it can — at times, — breed a bit of…well, over-familiarity.
Before I address your specific question, may I comment on one part of the question? You wrote, “I try to instill confidence in them and support them, but I feel it backfires when I ask for the same in return.” Please understand, it is not that instilling confidence and support backfires. It’s simply that they are not quite grasping the distinction between your friendship and your supervisory position. If you are leading effectively, then instilling confidence and supporting your troops is always a positive thing.
Here’s a quick suggestion: Write out your specific thoughts and challenges in detail. Then call a staff meeting. In this meeting, read them your letter. They must know and be aware of the situation and how it makes you feel. The key here is to do this with an “I-message” so that there is no sense of accusation being communicated.
In other words, rather than blaming, you’ll simply express how you feel. Then, ask for their thoughts and suggestions. Get their buy-in on the importance of handling this situation correctly. Of course, when all is said and done, they’ll need to know that, despite your friendship, you are their boss and they must act accordingly.
Best of success, Beth. I hope your team knows how fortunate they are to have you as a boss…and a friend.
Well, that’s my suggestion to Beth. What about yours? Have you ever been part of a similar challenge that was handled effectively? And, if so, please share your experience.
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Bob,
Great Blog, I would like to add, for Beth, that is difficult to go from being peers at the same level to then becoming your peer’s boss. When I promote any staff member to “team leader” I tell them the dynamics of their work friendships are going to change. Their team members while are happy for them to start with, will not be so happy when they have to start following their directions. Usually the team members who don’t want to follow orders from their new leader will leave.
For the first 15 years I was self-employed, I tried to be friends with my employees, and it always came back to bite me. No matter how much I gave, they wanted more to the point I always ending up feeling like I was being taken advantage of. I no longer try to be, want to be or need to be friends with my employees. We are still friendly, but there is a definite line I do not cross anymore. I also am not as generous as I use to be. My employees are paid well for what they do, but I no longer feel the need to keep giving. I will say, I feel better, the employees I have now don’t know the difference, and they feel like they have a leader they can turn to for answers instead of a peer at the same level.
Bob, as usual, good advice from you to Beth. I would add that in her letter, she outline the vision or goals she has for the organization so the employee “friends” can realize what an inspiring boss she is and, with their help and respect, she will be able to lead them in a way that is beneficial for them in the long run. She can add that she cannot accomplish this alone and needs their help, support and commitment.
Hi Bill and Jean, thank you both so much for sharing your wisdom and experience. I know we will all benefit from it. Thank you!!
Great post Bob. I have an office in The Philippines and it’s easy to fall into this trap as I get to know my employees better and a little about their personal lives. For me it’s all about respect and making sure it’s maintained now. When you become to friendly you lose the respect and are taken advantage of. Lately I’ve been trying to focus on Covey’s principle of “See first to understand and then to be understood.”
Joel, thank you very much for sharing with us. And hello to all our friends in the Philippines!
Great post, Bob! Like you and Beth, I have formed friendships with many people that I have led over the years. ….Strong friendships that included socialzing out of work and even traveling on vacations together. I am very close with a girl that worked for me for 5+ years who got married and asked my son to be her ring-bearer! So I certainly had and still have my share of balancing leadership (being the boss) and friendship. When things come back to bite me, I try to remember to look in the mirror:)
While as leaders we want to connect and care for our staff, we can’t forget how important their RESPECT for us is! John Maxwell’s book “The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership” is one of the best books I have read about leadership. Law #10 is the Law of Connection in which John says you must touch the heart before you ask people to follow. It sounds like Beth has connected with her staff. In Law #7, the Law of Respect, John said a) When people respect you as a person, they admire you; b) when people respect you as a friend, they love you; and c) when people respect you as a leader, they follow you. Good stuff!
Good luck, Beth…. and thanks again, Bob!!
Wow, thank you, Mary. Your sharing of wisdom is very appreciated!
Great post, Bob! Much success with communicating and developing your team, Beth. Beth is absolutely right, there is such a tight rope to balance between being a friend and being a boss. As an instructor, I encourage my students/partipants to express themselves and ideas freely. I make myself available for extra tutoring, as well. But, I also make it clear that I expect them to do their homework or follow my instructions for doing well in the class or understanding the curriculum. It really is better that way. They benefit much more when I am their friend and instructor and not just one or the other. Keep up the outstanding work!
Thank you, Chi Chi. Always appreciate you sharing with us!
Take a look at this: http://blogs.forbes.com/work-in-progress/2011/04/14/being-boss-and-the-minefield-of-office-friendships/. Seems like very relevant to the above post. Must be a hot topic this wee….o Or each is inspiring further thoughts on this subject.
Hi Debra, I hadn’t seen that. Thank you for sharing!