Note the title? How often do we say that to another or, if not say it, how often do we think it?
If I were to be honest with myself, however, I’d have to admit, “No I don’t know what you’re thinking. I only know what I’m thinking.”
Let’s take it a step further: I only know what I think you must be thinking based upon my unique experiences and circumstances from the moment of my birth up until this point in my life.
And, all of those experiences and circumstances are based on a belief system formed by a combination of my upbringing, environment, schooling, media, etc. And, all of those are affected by everything else, causing an absolutely unique set of beliefs. And, the same can be said of you!
Which means that – no matter how good a “guesser” or logical thinker I am – I cannot possibly know exactly what you are thinking.
And you cannot possibly know exactly what I’m thinking.
Which means, we all need to be careful about what we assume, how we judge, false conclusions, false premises, misunderstandings, non-understandings, communication gaps, mis-communication and all those things that stand in the way of simpatico between peeps.
Solution? One is to ask, clarify, ask some more, continue to clarify. And, of course, continue the process until, while we may not know…we can get pretty darn close.
Is that what you were thinking? 🙂
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Bob
Such a great point.
Of course, the foundation for even being interested in clarifying is to be genuinely interested in the feelings, needs of others.
I have come to believe that one of the tell tale signs of a Go-Giver is that they are genuinely interested in others. Genuinely!
And, the best of the Go-Givers “hear” the silence between the notes that speak volumes as to where someone is coming from.
FYI, travel day for me…great day to practice tuning up my own genuine interest in others. 🙂
Wishing YOU a day filled with grace.
Actually, YES, this is exactly what I was thinking!
Since you came from the place of not being able to know exactly what I was thinking – I was thinking that you cannot possibly know exactly what I am thinking, therefore, you knew exactly what I was thinking! (Do you know what I mean?)
It is my goal to come to every new conversation, person and audience I meet, without a presumption of who they are or what they want and instead, do just what you suggest oh wise one – Ask Questions! Thank you for this thought provoking topic!
I’ve been intentionally recognizing (and isolating) what my assumptions are in my conversations recently. It’s amazing how many are made during a short interaction – some of the subconciously. And, for me, the motivation for making them is a fear of being perceived as ignorant on even everyday topics.
I now have “Ask questions” and “Listen” posted up on my office walls to remind me to really hear what my clients and prospects are saying.
Thanks for the reinforcement!
Bob, you are absolutely right, but does it matter?
When two people resonate with each other, what does it matter that I may not know exactly what the other is thinking nor the core beliefs that drive one’s thoughts? It’s not necessary to create mutual understanding. What does matter is that I have listened well enough that the other person walks away feeling understood, because I took the time to build rapport and to connect with the experience of the other (which of course is your point). Do I really know every nuance of that person’s brain – of course not – but I have enough information to offer empathy, support, and solutions. As you say “can get pretty darn close.”
Here’s what I know: when my consciousness (or subconsiousness) resonates with another human being, it creates a companion energy which electrifies both parties! It’s the “I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’ve known you for 20 years” kind of feeling. It drives the instant “know, like, trust” factor, without any logical rationale to do so. It’s magical!
When we choose to express that experience as “I know exactly what you are saying (thinking)”, we don’t mean it literally, although I appreciate your caution about assumptions. The intent is, I get you. I understand you. And I validate your experience. That can only be expressed sincerely if someone has taken the time to really listen.
And Bob, by the way I do “get” you : )
Bob, great post. We do tend to make up stories in our own minds about other people’s thoughts and motivations with NO basis in reality! These assumptions hurt others and ourselves. Having the courage to communicate and to clarify, to ask a question – is at the core of building great relationships whether business or personal.
Hi Bob!
The process of my thinking defies all logic. Ask anyone who knows me. I’ll try to capture the last few minutes for you.
Sally’s thoughts:
“Great, Bob knows what I’m thinking! FINALLY, someone who can clarify this flying blur in my head!!”
“Darn. It was a catchy title with a hook that actually speaks to the opposite of the post’s content because no one can possibly know what someone else is thinking. Double Darn!!”
“Wait! I’ll read this anyway – because maybe somewhere in here is a clue to the wellspring of my crazy thinking patterns!”
“Nope. Apparently I have to travel back to my start of life and then track through my perceptions and beliefs only to realize that I still may be missing a clearer picture because this nostalgic journey did not include a trip back through the life, beliefs and perceptions of the person I’m presently engaging with. CRAP!”
“Glad I kept reading though. ‘Coming pretty close’ is better than I’m able to manage on my own most days.”
“Whew! Love the final question!! I now have a place to splatter these thoughts so they don’t occupy so much space in my head. Thanks Bob!!”
Oh – as it happens, I DO know exactly what YOU’RE thinking:
“Yay, Sally’s here! Wow, that lady sure can ramble. Oh, thank goodness – looks like I’m getting to the end. What? No Donuts?!?!? Good Gravy, how do you take up so much space in someone’s comment stream and not leave them a donut or two? I should Go-Giv-her a piece of my mind!!”
YES is my answer to your question.
When we assume anything about anyone, we rob ourselves the joy or the excitement of discovering something good or better, or, tend to focus more on ourselves. When we do that, we receive less, and give less.
When you ASSUME, you make an ‘ass’ of u & me.
Keep those blog posts coming!
*Jeannie
I talk to leaders about this, Bob. An employee will come into their office, upset about something, and the manager will often say, “I know how you feel.” Really? Do they?
I suggest that they try to guess the emotion, then say, “You sound ______” (ie, frustrated, angry, disappointed.” If they’re right, the employee will say “Yes, I am frustrated!” And then go on to give a lot more information about their frustration.
If they’re wrong, the employee will say, “No I’m not frustrated, I’m angry!” And then go on to tell them all the reasons why.
Either way, whether they’re on target with their guess or not, they’ll get a lot more information, a dialog will be open, they’ll know more about what they’re dealing with, and be able to engage with that employee much more effectively.
Love that you’re talking about our perceptual filters. They certainly have everything to do with how we communicate!
I want to thank all of you for your wisdom-filled responses, thoughts and teachings. While I didn’t respond individually today, please know that I read and enjoyed each one. Your feedback adds much, much more than my original posts could ever do, so please know your contributions are very appreciated!! – Bob
Communication – Possibly the biggest key to life and results in life! Wow to ask, clarify and ask some more is such a great process to building great relationships and I might add to listen while asking with open ears and determine to remove judgments or assumptions. This can lead to richer deeper relationships and also help build new ones. Personally our minds can be a very scary place and even though we might suggest that someone is a mind reader ….. perhaps not!
Bob,
I have made this mistake too many times. I have to laugh at myself every time it happens. Thanks for the reminder.
Jeff Haywood, CPA