The following is excerpted with permission from an exchange with Julie, a subscriber from Nebraska. A while back she asked for my opinion regarding a situation she was experiencing and I encouraged her to read one of my favorite books, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
While the entire Book is terrific, the chapters on “Assumptions” and “Not taking things personally” are – in my opinion – absolutely life-changing. I suspect that’s because I needed to work on those two things most of all.
She recently wrote back:
“Hi Bob! I keep meaning to tell you I read the book, The Four Agreements you recommended to me. Amazing! It really helped me put so much in perspective. I think about those agreements every day and try very hard to live by them. I will say it has always been difficult to not take things personally! But I now have the tools for recognizing it and am thinking about it. And I also work it in with ‘responding’ and not ‘reacting.'”
I replied: “Thank you for your note. I’m so happy that things are going well for you. Regarding it being difficult to not take things personally…I’m with you on that. 🙂 Even after we know all the logical and rational reasons not to take things personally, it’s still a struggle. I know it is for me. That’s why, when I find myself taking something personally and it continues to bother me, I go right back to that chapter in the book and re-read it. Immediately, I feel better.
“Because of our conditioning as human beings, our belief systems and other related factors, I doubt that those of us pre-disposed to taking things personally (which is practically everyone, to one degree or another) will ever defeat that trait 100 percent. However, victory is often not a matter of overcoming something entirely but just doing a little better today than yesterday and continuing to improve over time, regardless of setbacks along the way.”
Julie then wrote:
“That was great, Bob! Your anecdote – words of wisdom is more like it – is so simple but eloquently put! I just now wrote out a couple of paragraphs from the book on not taking things personally, put them on a 3×5 card and am keeping the card in my pocket from now on. That way I’ll have it handy when I’m in need!”
Great idea. Let’s discuss that more in Part Two.
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Terrific post Bob,
How many times have I gone to someone to apologize for something I said, only to realize they had no clue what I was talking about or didn’t take what I said the way I thought I presented it? We assume & rehearse things in our minds all the time. Taking things personally is, as you mentioned, a process to overcome. Jim made a great point. When we react as if things are personal, we develop a “shield” of rejection, then we paint a self portrait of failure. The downward spiral could be an uphill jaunt when we consider the source–usually our programmed, negative self talk!
We just did a book club on “What To Say When You Talk To Yourself” & it sounds like I need to read “The Four Arguments immediately!” I keep forgetting to pick up the memory book too! LOL!
I appreciate your wisdom!
g
Bob,
This is very related to a self-portrait I painted last night. An evolution for me after reflecting on not taking things personally is that I can now stop defending myself and stop attacking others. I’ve spend way too many years carrying a shield in one hand and a sword in the other.
I’ve decided to discard both. Now I have one hand free to offer my gifts and the other free to receive what the universe has been offering me all along. Here’s a link to the painting – http://twitpic.com/337q7h
Thanks so much for your post!
Jim
By the way, I just spent the weekend at an event with a woman who is a close personal friend of Don Miguel. He is currently on the mend after heart transplant surgery. She went to his home to visit him one of the evenings after the event.
The “The Four Agreements” is on its way!
Thank you Bob,
Steve Burnett
Jim, that’s a terrific decision you made. Thank you for sharing with us. And, thank you for the update on Dr. Ruiz. I had heard he had surgery and am so glad to know he is on the mend.
Steve, that’s awesome. I believe you’ll enjoy it and derive a lot of value from it. See you and the family tomorrow in St. Pete. And, the blog post about Nadia should be up any minute now on The Go-Giver blog.