Perhaps it’s someone on your team at work. Or, maybe a close friend or family member you’re trying to help work through a difficult personal situation.
The person has a problem.
You make a suggestion.
“But, that won’t work” they quickly reply. Or, “But, my case is different” they say. Or, they helplessly offer, “But, I can’t do that.”
In other words, no matter what you suggest…they are stuck in the problem.
You suspect that your continued suggestions are going to be met by continued objections based on what they can’t do.
Then, put the ball in their court and, in a very positive, non-judgemental tone, simply ask:
“So, what can you do?”
This is a pattern interrupt that will most likely elicit a “what?”
Now, gently respond, “We know what you can’t do, or what won’t work. Let me ask, if you were counseling someone else and it was up to you to come up with a solution, what would you suggest?”
It’s not that they will necessarily come up with an immediate answer, but you’ve now shifted the frame from “why it can’t” to “how it could.”
It doesn’t stop there. You still need to help them understand this new frame; that there are options even if right now they’re not seeing them. And, that what you want to do is — working with them — help them to figure something out. For this to happen, it needs to come from a positive “how it can” rather than “why it can’t.”
This assumes, of course, that they really do want to find a solution rather than stay stuck in the problem. You might even need to ask them to make sure. Providing that is the case, however, this new frame will provide a great deal of assistance.
Have you ever utilized this method in order to help someone overcome a challenge? Perhaps even used this on yourself?
Please share your experiences with us.
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Great post Bob! I actually use this a lot, with my clients AND with my self. And one of the reasons I use it is because someone used it on me many years ago, when I felt very stuck. My coach asked me “What is one thing you CAN do right now?” Just one thing. Answering that question and then, of course actually taking that action, took me from overwhelm to baby steps. And, as Mary Morrissey says “baby steps will take you all the way up Mt Everest, as long as you keep taking them.” 😀
Linda: Thank you for your kind feedback and insightful teaching. Indeed, that one thing is where it begins. It allows us to operate from a context of success and to build upon those small successes. And, the always very-wise, Mary Morrissey is right on the mark in terms of those baby steps helping one to climb mountains. Thanks again!
Excellent post Bob!
EVERY person on the planet needs at least one person who knows how to do this! Even a coach needs a coach! : )
Sometimes we can just be downright BLIND to the next step…the next opportunity, the new direction…the way OUT and into new territory.
We may feel like we’ve exhausted all options, yet someone asking the right questions at the right time may help illuminate the new path and answer.
Thanks for sharing!
Samantha: Thank you. So glad you enjoyed the post. You are right; as human beings we are often too emotionally involved with ourselves – too close to ourselves – to be able to see the situation clearly. That other person, simply by not being as “emotionally attached” to the outcome (not to be confused with not caring) can help us to productively reframe the issue. Thank you again!
Hi Bob.
I was feeling very stuck before I got here, I’m starting an online business but after months struggling without any success I’m almost desperate and without hope to succeed.
But then I go here, to this post, and saw the question: “what would you (I) suggest?” to someone in my situation.
This very question shift my “cant do” frame to “hmm, let me think about this” frame.
Right now I’m feeling out of that box that that had trapped me.
Many thanks Bob for this post, it got me out of the box, a destructive thinking box I would say, that has had me trapped.
Fonte: Thank you for sharing that with us. So glad that the post helped you to reframe your thinking a bit and be able to handle the situation from a more productive perspective. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going!
Great post, wonderful advice. Pattern interrupt is exactly what it is… and pulls people from being helpless to having them think about how they can take a little action to make things better.
Andrea: Thank you. I love the pattern interrupt you and Richard utilize in your amazing “Go for No” teachings! http://www.GoForNo.com
Hi Bob,
Brilliant!
This is coming from left field a bit – or, from the rice fields of Bali – but I have an analogy to share. We’re in Indonesia now, in Bali, living beside a farm. 3 pigstys – seriously – are located below my window. Other than creating a few intriguing smells while I try to enjoy dinner lol…..I do feel compassion for the pigs. Bacon has been off the menu 🙂
Why?
The 400 pound or larger animals are living in 6 meter by 10 meter stys. Breaks my heart. They are imprisoned. They can barely move. Which is *exactly* what the “I can’t” person feels like until you expand their awareness with your question. It’s like they’re in a 6 X 10, totally bound, totally imprisoned, with no way out.
When you frame it so skillfully as you shared above, they go from being the pig in the pen to someone outside, looking in. New perspective, new reality, in many cases. I like empowering. Asking folks what they can do, or how they’d offer advice, makes them the coach, the leader, the empowered one. It’s like an ethical, empowering Jedi Mind Trick 😉
Really, just shifting the perspective from the imprisoned, to maybe, the jail warden, to the free civilian walking outside of the prison happens when you ask what they can do. Each little thought or feeling will build and although the person won’t necessarily free themselves in minutes, they’ll eventually come around due to your empowering influence.
It’s good to be back Bob 🙂 I’ve been on a neat journey, circling the globe, but am happy to be back, commenting, and learning from your endless wisdom.
Thanks for sharing!
Ryan
Ryan: Great to hear from you. Been much too long, my friend. So glad you are enjoying your journey. Thank you for kind feedback and insightful wisdom. And, yes, it’s a shame (criminal, really – that the pigs are kept imprisoned like that with so little room to move. What a horrible way to go through life. It would be so nice for their humans to have some compassion for them regardless of their destiny. (Okay, off my soapbox.) Your analogy to their imprisonment being similar to one’s own self-imprisonment is very wise and truly right on the mark. When we keep ourselves in a cage with little room to move our choices appear to be just as limited as that of the animal’s. Thus, we must emotionally and mentally reframe in order to obtain the perspective that comes only with freedom of choice. Thank you for sharing that great lesson with us, Ryan!
Love this post, this is absolutely so true. I tell my friends, family and clients this all of the time.. And MYSELF whenever I am in a spot of self doubt, negativity or just plain stuck – So what can I do ?
Thanks for writing this post Bob, just plain perfect. Shared all over Social Media as usual. Have a great weekend. Carly
Carly, thank you. You are definitely one of the most “solution-oriented” people I’ve ever known!
A simple but fantastic post. Applicable to any problem, anytime, anywhere! Thanks so much. Sunil
Sunil: Thank you for your very kind feedback on the post. I’m so glad you enjoyed it and found it to be useful!
Wow. Bob, you nailed it on the head. We can easily fall in the trap of asking the wrong questions. You have clearly highlighted how a small adjustment in thought and words can spearhead us in the right direction. I fall in the trap of faulty thinking at times, and so this is a great reminder for me to keep the main thing the main thing. Any other common things people say that should be said differently Bob?
Dus: Thank you. Grateful for your very kind feedback. You described the situation perfectly. And, I’m pretty sure we all fall into that trap from time-to-time. Personal growth is always a continuing work in progress.
♥…Wow! You had me @ “Pattern Interrupt” Bob, and then I saw the Hopkins S/O @ the Top of the page 😉
Growing up in Palo Alto (going to Hi School across the street from Stanford), I’ve been introduced to Excellence my entire Life (Whether being a ‘Higher Shade of Brown’ American of African-Ancestry, learning how to Ski, Skate, Swim & Horseback Ride by 4, being gifted with ‘Psycho-Cybernetics’ by my Father @ 8, Coach Wooden teaching me the Pyramid Of Success in person, having a locker next to Nolan Ryan’s on the President’s team, or learning how to use my Personal Power to Awaken The Giant Within and Get The Edge, courtesy of TRobb)!
Reading this was like a Synergy trip down Memory Lane, and I enjoyed every second 😉 “The quality of our lives, is the quality of our Q’s” ~TRobb (The Awesome thing bout digesting Personal Power, before immersing myself into ‘Non-Violent Communication’ is that I have the Philosophy to go with the Strategies, and the Perceptions to go with the Procedures, so I can employ “Empathy before Honesty, Honesty before Education”, and once the person is Seen & Heard, offer Gems like the One’s you offer here…Chi of Love, Thank You)
I feel deeply Grateful that our Journey’s have intersected (Thanks #MarieTV), & I look forward to a Wonderful #SynergisticEnergyExchange 😉
Love, SiMBa (#SpiritMindBody, with inspiration and abundance mixed in, aka Tony Scruggs)
Tony: Thank you. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, and thank you for sharing some of your experiences and story. What an honor that must have been to have a locker next to Nolan Ryan while playing for the Texas Rangers. And, after that, a career in personal development. Yes, very glad we connected through my interview on Marie Forleo’s #MarieTV, as well. Looking forward to years of friendship…and learning from you!
Thank you Bob for the simply yet profound wisdom you share. The more I interact with people the more I realize what I learned about personal relationships changed me and the way I interact with others. My desire is to help others who seek help and guidance. It has been a process of learning. Used to take me a few e-mails responses before I get the AHA moment of turning the table and asking them what one thing can they change to help their circumstances. Knowing the difference between those who really want the help and those who just want to vent or continue to complain is a skill and/or discerning heart I want more of. Sincerely Appreciate you Bob.
Brenda: Thank you. I greatly appreciate that. And, indeed, determining whether the person desires a solution or simply to stay in the problem is very important. Often, we want to help the person more than they want to help themselves, and we know how that usually works out.