This post is longer than usual. And, while this reader’s situation might not be one you’ll ever have to face, someone you know — including your child — might.
Regardless, the principle involved should still come in handy in your dealings with others.
A college student, “Patty” wrote:
“I finished Adversaries into Allies and found it to be incredibly useful. While I was reading the section about saying no I thought of a scenario that wasn’t directly addressed and now find myself actually in it. I’m wondering how your advice for saying no translates into personal relationships. I’m in college and a boy in my class last semester asked me to get coffee. Thinking it was casual (telling myself it was casual) I agreed and we have been in e-mail contact ever since. He’s now referred to our correspondence as dating which, in my mind, it definitely is not. Is there a way to politely say no while still maintaining this new friendship?
My reply:
Thank you for your nice note and kind words about the book. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
Regarding your question, yes, that is always a difficult situation, regardless of age. Obviously, you don’t want to unintentionally lead your friend on to thinking that what you have is more than friendship but you also don’t want to needlessly hurt his feelings, and you’d like to keep him as a friend.
Depending upon whether you feel as though you could more kindly but effectively let him know by email or by phone, you can choose one or the other.
You could say or write something along the lines of…
“I was a bit surprised when you mentioned in a recent email that we were “dating.” While I appreciate your compliment, it’s not how I understand it. I hope you are okay with our just being friends, which I’d enjoy.”
If you’ll notice in the above, Patty, just as in the chapter about saying no, I didn’t include any excuses. Also, not knowing him personally and if he is rational (and, thus, can simply accept his mistake without feeling victimized and blaming you), I didn’t include any apology or add anything about you being the cause of the misunderstanding. Sometimes, it is okay to put the “onus” of the misunderstanding onto oneself even when that’s not really the case (in order for the other person to not feel defensive or blamed — remember the “I-Message”). But in this case I felt it best not to go that route so as not to give him something to grab onto. Again, just in case he is too emotional about it.
Yes, these are always difficult situations at best. I hope thinks work out. Please let me know.
Patty responded:
“Thank you so much for your advice. I emailed him and wrote almost exactly what you suggested and it worked perfectly. We are on the same page now and it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable like I was imagining it would be. Thank you also for explaining why you didn’t include an excuse. My first instinct, even after reading your book, was to apologize for any misunderstanding because I wasn’t sure what other way to go but what you said made a lot of sense. Again, thank you for response.”
I wrote back:
My pleasure. I’m so glad it worked out! Indeed, it is very tempting (and certainly intuitive) to make an excuse or to blame oneself in that situation in order to let the other person down easily or take the pressure off. Very important in this case not to, again, only because in case he was irrational or had tendencies to be, I didn’t want to provide him with any emotional ammunition to blame you.
I remember many years ago reading a book about stalkers and one important piece of advice the author gave was that, with many of them, if you give them an excuse they’ll take that literally and believe that “if it weren’t for ________ she’d then want to be with me.”
In other words, if you say that it’s because you’re already involved with someone then they will think, “Well, if she wasn’t involved with him we could be together.” (Talk about dangerous.) If you say that you have a busy schedule then they’ll think, “When her schedule slows down we can be together.”
And, if you blame yourself for the misunderstanding, that can cause them to feel like, “oh, it’s all her fault, she deserves whatever happens.”
Of course, both are totally, totally illogical conclusions for the stalker to make but, by the very nature of what they are, logic doesn’t enter into the equation.
So, not that I’m thinking that your friend is a stalker, of course. Just not wanting to take any chances.
Sounds like you handled things perfectly.
———-
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Such a sage approach you offer us Bob, and one that applies to every element of life, as demonstrated here.
You rock, around the clock, and around the world.
Thanks!
Tara: Wow, what a kind compliment, my great friend. Just call me Bill Haley!
I think my favorite thing that you do is give great advice for real-life situations. I loved Patty’s question and really loved your response, especially the part about not apologizing or giving an excuse; brilliant, although, as Patty mentioned, not what she probably would have done.
Note to Self: Bob Burg is available for dating advice. Good to know!
Linda: Thank you. I appreciate your very kind compliment. Regarding dating advice, Bob Burg is not available. However, should the people running the Dear Abby column make an offer, I might consider. Then again, they probably are looking for someone who actually knows what they are talking about. 🙂
I love the part about not apologizing. I tend to talk too much and overly apologize when I attempt to not hurt someone’s feelings. It then comes off sounding very fake 🙂 The only thing I would add, if I may, specific to this situation with Patty, and I can be very wrong, but if this gentleman is interested in being more than just a friend now, being a friend may not be an option. He may say it is ok, but typically, from what I have experienced, they just say that because they figure they at least have another shot at it another time. Maybe later Patty’s feelings will change, but if it is a safety thing, I would leave out the part about being friends. Again, just my opinion and I can be very wrong 🙂
Christie: First, I doubt that, with you, anything would ever come off fake. 🙂 You are simply much too genuine. Regarding the part about friendship not being accepted by him but used as a ploy, indeed, I don’t know. I hope that isn’t the case. However, it’s something to always be careful about. You make a great point. Thank you for sharing with us!
Bob,
I have been having a very unusually busy day today. But when I saw your blog post, I couldn’t stop myself from appreciating you for handing a delicate situation with so much tact and integrity. Thank you very much for sharing this with us.
Not just Patty but many others (including myself), learnt from this practical example of how we can tactfully and sincerely solve some of the most awkward emotional situations in relationships. Wow! This is incredible!
Regards,
Kumar
I don’t think the concept of “letting someone down” is every going to be easy.
However as detailed, it seems like there is a right and wrong way to do it.
For those who might avoid this situation by continuing to lead others on because they don’t want to let them down, I think it’s important to recognize how harmful this can be for both people in the long run as opposed to being more assertive and addressing the situation immediately.
Blake: Right on, my friend. Well-stated!
Kumar: What a kind and terrific compliment. Thank you VERY much! Means a lot to me!
A great post, Bob! I have always said to my clients “Say what you want and then stop talking.” The more you talk, offer reasons, etc., the more ammunition the other person has to argue the point and you’ll just get into defending what you want.
Bob,
While your example is in reference to a personal relationship – the advice you offered is pertinent in countless scenarios from business to personal and beyond. No does not require an excuse. Simple.
thanks as always for your wise insights.
Bill
Teri: Thank you. Terrific insight!
Bill: I appreciate that. And, I was hoping that would also be understood; that the principle involved; saying no politely and tactfully, and without excuses, is the best way to communicate so that everyone comes away feeling the best possible…even in a difficult situation. Thank you for the feedback!
Hi Bob,
Your advice on not giving an apology and supplying emotional ammunition is right on.
“Adversaries into Allies” is a game-changer.
Joel: Thank you. Very appreciated!