A reader asked:
“I just got a new job and my former boss called me a few days ago to ask for a favor. Problem is, he did something unfair to me. Last year I did a four-month internship at his company. It all went well. At least that’s what I thought since they seemed to love my work so much they even gave me a very nice gift at the end. He also personally asked me to come back this year for another internship, and the last time he called even proposed to me the idea of a full time job.
“But when I received my evaluation, filed by this same former boss, I realized he wasn’t as happy with my work as I had thought. The professor responsible for my internship even had to take additional steps so that it wouldn’t cause me problems with the school.
“Now this person doesn’t stop calling me and asking me for help, but I don’t know what to tell him. Should I tell him that I’m not happy with the way things went since I think he could have told me in person if he didn’t like the way I did the job? Or, should I help him anyway?
“I’m asking because you give such great advice on how to deal with people on your blog.”
—–
First, thank you for your kind words about my blog.
Please know how sorry I am that you had the disappointing experience in terms of the report your internship professor received. I’m sure that was upsetting to you.
As to your question about helping him despite what he did, that decision is ultimately up to you. You have no obligation either way. Remember not to confuse being a “Go-Giver” with being a doormat.
However, before you make that decision, my suggestion (based only on what you wrote above) is to find out what actually happened that caused the negative evaluation.
The best course of action is to tactfully ask him what the issue was that caused him to write the less-than-complimentary report.
This needs to be done in a way that does not cause defensiveness on his part but allows him to logically understand your question and empathize.
For example: you might write (or say)…
“While I appreciate you asking for my help, based on the evaluation you gave me last year that seemed to indicate that my work was very poor, I’m a bit confused as to why you would feel confident enough in my abilities to ask me to help you? As you’ll recall, while verbally you indicated to me that you were pleased with my work, and were kind enough to provide me with a gift when I left, the evaluation you gave my professor responsible for my internship communicated in no uncertain terms that you were not at all happy with my work. Please feel free to let me know if there is something I should be aware of that perhaps I did not consider.”
Something like the above should cause him to get the picture very clearly that he needs to justify to you both why he wrote the letter he did as well as why you should feel motivated to help him. Of course, I only know the situation based on your description; thus I don’t know all the facts. So please take what I wrote with that in mind.
I hope this helps.
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Bob that is wonderful advise. It allows for clarification without being confrontational. Your reader has the right to know what areas could use improvement and any reasonably good leader would wish to help someone rise to the next level. That can only be done with open communication and feedback. If the reader doesn’t receive a reply, they can move on (without guilt) and avoid the “doormat trap”.
Heather: Thank you. I love what you wrote!
One of your best blog posts Bob.
Wow! Very relevant and to the point Bob. “Being the doormat” is very important to keep a check on – many times we may get confused that with being a “Go-Giver” which is not so good for our self-image.
But asking to discover the truth was a very good advise that is very reasonable too. This is a brilliant post. Enjoyed it very much.
Thank you for always writing such insightful articles.
Regards,
Kumar
Kumar: Thank you, my friend. I always appreciate your very kind and encouraging feedback!
Love this Bob! Go-giver does not equal door mat. That’s perfect! Hopefully the intern has learned the value of being honest with employees as they make their own career. Nothing like being on the receiving end of a bad boss to make you a stronger, more compassionate boss:-)
Bob,
You are right on with your suggsted ACTION for the reader. Sometimes these situations can cause us to REACT with emotion instead of ACT with TACT. I would also coach the reader that this likely won’t be the last time something like this happens in his/her career. The reader is considering reaching out to the former boss to understand what happened because of the former boss’s new behavior. My advice is not to wait when you receive conflicting information in the future, but tactfully inquire as you suggested as soon as you can to learn and grow from every experience.
Tracey: Thank you. You are…Tremendous!
{Note from Bob: Check out the huge selection of books at Tracey’s online bookstore, Tremendous Life Books http://www.TremendousLifeBooks.com}
Denis: Thank you for your kind feedback and great suggestions. Indeed, the more proactive, the better. I totally missed that very important piece!
Joel: Wow, thank you!!
Great subject & advice Bob! I’m just curious about those kinds of evals & I’m thinking out loud here!
I wonder if the zeal, passion & hunger shown by an intern intimidates bosses or reflects the person they used to be. In this reflection, is it possible for them to become offended by said intern because it reveals the person they have now become? Are the negative comments during evaluations a way of expressing disappointment in self? An attempt in salvaging some good traits? A way of holding the title of a manager over them? Later when intern becomes an employee, boss sees it as an asset to produce fresh, innovative ideas making the department look good as a whole & himself smart for hiring the intern?
I could be way off base, but our flesh reacts funny or threatened when someone shining appears! Sounds like said boss needs to read, It’s Not About You!
g
Geneva: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. The thing is, we don’t know anything about the situation other than what the reader wrote to me. As I’ve heard Mark Sanborn say, we can “intuit” based on what was written, that’s the extent of it. That’s why I mentioned a couple of times within my response that my answer was based only on the information I had. Thanks again, my friend.
Bob, this is truly a stellar post that addresses a very common predicament that many people have found themselves in at one point or another.
Your suggested response is brilliant. It’s all there.
It’s honest and direct without injecting the natural feelings of hurt and/or anger the person more then likely experienced. The questions sliced right to the heart of the matter, leaving the ball in the other persons court. Full of clarity and left no room for the other to dance in the land of ambiguity.
Would love to see more posts like this, Bob! This is great!
Sincerely,
Samantha
Samantha: Thank you. What kind and encouraging words. Thank you so much for your feedback. Your third paragraph especially brings a huge smile to my face, as that was the very point I was trying to make with the post. Very complimented!
I’m blown away with your answer Bob. Such simplicity, elegance, and yet, goes tot he heart of the matter that has left this person bewildered and hurt. You’re giving him all the tools to have all areas covered and still get answers that will help him heal the wounds, as well as make an informed decision whether to help or not, and it is still all his own doing, not anyone else’s. I just love your brilliance and greatness, but more importantly, how effectively you helped this person move forward and have this situation taken care of, once and for all. Kudos to him too for having the good sense to bring it to this forum.
Ali: You’re very kind words and feedback blew ME away. Thank you so much. Please know how grateful I am for your always kind words of encouragement!
Great example. Wonderful advice.
Charles: Thank you so much!