Last post looked at one aspect of being criticized by others. While we can learn from everyone, there are some from whom we will pay more attention than from others. Here’s another form of critique and correction we hear less about, but doing this pays huge dividends.
Self-correction is a key strategy of one who leads, sells and lives successfully. It also tends to be a trait of one who is of high character.
Does this conflict with the fact that those of high character tend to stand very firm on their guiding principles? Not one bit.
As Zig Ziglar says, “Be firm on principle but flexible on method.”
There is also no natural dichotomy on being principle-based and admitting one is wrong. Successful people are not only open to hearing about their mistakes via both solicited and unsolicited feedback, but find ways to provide themselves with needed feedback?
But, aren’t we simply “too close to the situation” to see things objectively?
Indeed, that’s a challenge. And, it can be overcome through the use of reverse visualization, or instant-replay.
You may recall a post suggesting we can prepare for potential interpersonal conflicts by simulating them first in our mind. This is much the same way an astronaut simulates future missions? This so that – when eventually in-flight – they have already experienced the situation. 100 percent effective? No, but pretty close.
Now, let’s do just the opposite. How did you handle that difficult interpersonal situation? Or, the objections during your one-on-one sales presentation? Or, the challenging question from the committee-member during your group presentation? Were you able to make the person feel comfortable by being tactful and kind, while still effectively and persuasively communicating your point? Or, did you kind of fumble that one?
Not sure? Then do what they do in football (U.S.); go to the replay. See if it was a fumble or if you handled it cleanly? Did you have both feet in-bounds when you made the catch? Or did your big toe hit the chalk?
Check it out; study it; dissect it. The trick is to do so with as much honestly and as little emotion as possible; focusing on not letting your ego take over. Yes, it can be difficult. Make that…very difficult. And, it’s well worth it.
The next step is to take your findings to your coach or mentor, or whomever you trust to provide you with the helpful and honest feedback you need. Even better is if they were actually there, but it’s not totally necessary.
Final step: Once you’ve determined that you did handle the situation improperly, and if the context is such that you can offer an apology, do so. It goes without saying to not make any excuses; simply apologize.
Actually, there is one final step after that: regardless of whether an actionable item such as an apology was feasible, make the decision to learn from your mistake and – hopefully – not repeat it. If you’re like I am, you most likely will repeat it until you have the lesson learned. Then again, that’s part of what being human is all about.
Fortunately, we can always go back to the replay.
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Well said!
-RG
GREAT POST! One of my (new) favorite words is “deconstruct.” There is so much power in deconstructing our successes, setbacks and experiences to find what is effective and what is not. You’ve also struck a strong chord by recommending that we bring our situations or “cases” to our mentors and coaches. Such a profound exercise! That’s a bit like “doctor’s rounds.” We bring our situation (aka patient) to the table and talk through the symptoms and approaches. That is mentoring in action – real, relevant and reflective. Thank you Bob for another outstanding post. Always enjoy the way you launch these great discussions. Grateful for your authenticity and wisdom.
Randy, thank you!
Dondi, thank you. I love your term, “deconstruct.” There is indeed so much power in doing exactly what you described. And, your comparison with mentors/coaches and “doctor’s rounds” really brings it on home. Thank you for being part of this discussion and sharing your wisdom with us!
Bob:
You set the bar high. I appreciate that. I aim for many of the qualities you have fully realized in your communications – brevity (your blogposts are sterling examples demonstrating with graceful mastery that the combination of big content and brevity of expression can be achieved. You do it with such seeming ease. Yesterday I was doing an intimate hour of Bach for a small audience at the National Headquarters of Choral Directors – a moment of potential interpersonal strain early on came with a challenge from one gentleman (he profiled out as “professorial” shall we say) who corrected me thus: “You said you were going to change just one tiny thing in that musical example showing the difference between happy and sad- actually you changed two things…” I reflected immediately that he was right- he had done the instant playback but I had to “run it” in my mind before responding- the re-run in the theatre of my own brainbox allowed me to respond with some good humor and resulted in his, my, and everyone else present having a good laugh- I picked up the ball and ran with it and he was part of the process – It was altogether unifying and harmonious. Bach won the game.
Thanks Bob.
You are a brilliant go-giver. (Hey, but you already know that! LOL 🙂
Wayne
WOW – Wayne, thank you for sharing with us that magnificent learning AND teaching. YOU are a terrific teacher, my friend, and you somehow manage to do that consistently in your comments. Thank you. And, what happened, really says a lot about you that you were able to – on the spot – respond to his remark rather than react to it, and turn the situation into one in which everyone felt great about it. And, you came out of showing exactly how classy you are, my friend. Thanks again!
Bob, I love your idea of the simulation when on the brink of a potential interpersonal conflict. It seems our default is to assume we know how the other person is going to respond and to strategize our game plan accordingly. So silly. When I assume someone is going to have a contrary opinion or idea… they usually do! And while it is helpful to be prepared for that conversation, it would probably be even more helpful to simulate the conversation going in a positive direction. I’ve had situations where I was SO sure someone was going to respond negatively, that I was really caught off guard when the discussion did NOT go down that road. I might try visualizing the replay I’d LIKE to see, the next time I’m faced with a conflict that needs discussion. Thanks Bob!
Being speechless is NOT one of my traits, but Wayne’s response is priceless….and so is yours, Bob. You guys LOVE from the CENTER and it shows.
Great thought, Linda. Yes, if there is one thing that now seems to be self-evident is that visualizing something in advance in its positive form is certainly more productive than the opposite. Physically (as an athlete would) because we can actually train the brain/body in the way we desire. And, even inter-personally, because the way we see it happening is the way we will act. And when we act in a way that we expect good from the other person, it is WE who will act in that way that elicits the benevolent response. For example, when we expect the other person to be helpful, we act with gratitude. When they see us act with gratitude, they are more likely to feel good about us; thus they will act more helpfully. Taking this into the replay aspect, while we review what we might have done incorrectly, we can then replay it again…and insert the correct action. That will help us for next time. The mind (attitude) is a powerful thing, isn’t it?
Thank you so much Ali, I agree with you all the way (well, at least about Wayne’s) 😉
Zig Ziglar is timeless. Great refreshing post in a climate of lack of accountability, I appreciate this piece, and yes, ultimately mistakes are made to learn from!
Thanks Bob!!!
Thank you, Lori. I agree; Zig is timeless, indeed!! Thank you for your kind words about the post!
Another great post from Bob Burg!
Two things in this post really are very very powerful:
1. “Take your findings to your coach or mentor, or whomever you trust to provide you with the helpful and honest feedback you need”
2.”Regardless of whether an actionable item such as an apology was feasible, make the decision to learn from your mistake and – hopefully – not repeat it”
And I don’t know how long before it becomes natural to do these two things naturally. Thank you for this great post and an awesome reminder. Very timely for me and I learnt what I need to do now. Thank again.
Regards,
Snigdha
Great post, Bob. You tackle seemingly difficult, challenging topics with ease, grace and poise. Thank you for your clear and incisive insight and teachings.
Bob! Great post as always! And I have to say, your reply to Linda is such an amazingly powerful concept, and is such juicy good stuff, I would love for you to delve more deeply into that at some point on it’s own. (it sounds familiar, so you may have already!). But the idea of choosing to expect goodness/benevolence/kindness from others, and thus creating the atmosphere for that to transpire (Through our own behavior) is flippin’ magnificent. So many people expect negativity from others and then manage to perfectly create that interaction/dynamic through the vibe of expecting nastiness. How do we behave when we expect nastiness? Defensively, coldly, aloof, standoffish, and well, nasty ourselves….and what do people do when confronted with all this? They happily hand it right back to us. The idea that we can flip this around, and actually create a world that mirrors are highest selves is awe inspiring, and beautifully empowering.
Big thanks for this!
-Sean
Snigdha, much gratitude to you for your kind comments. Thank you so much. And, I think for most of us it takes a while for it to become natural. And, it remains an ongoing process rather than a completed one. At least it does in my case. Thank you so much again!
Heather, thank means a lot to me. Thank you very much!
Sean, thank you, Yes, I’ve blogged about that previously {https://www.burg.com/2009/06/does-positive-expectation-really-work/}. However, I thought your interpretation/writing about it above in your comments was terrific teaching in and of itself. Thank you for sharing with us!
WOW! I am wallowing in the smörgåsbord of learning that is available in your blog posts and the very insightful comments, Bob. Thank you!
Wayne’s response especially is awesome!
Geetha, thank you. What a nice compliment! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the information. And, I agree; Wayne’s response was awesome, wasn’t it?
Thanks Bob! I’ll have a peek at the othe post!
-Sean
My pleasure, Sean!
Another great post Bob and this series is coming just at the right time.
I actually find it easier at this point in my personal development to do instant replays than dealing with criticism; even after considering the source.
I think it has to do with frame of mind. When I am replaying something and trying to learn I have usually made a conscious decision to do so and I am more open to the lessons.
When you get unsolicited feedback, one can have a tendency still to clench even before they start talking (or reading)… it is more likely you will react in this situation and not be open.
Practice, learn and improve. It is definitely and journey.
Bob,
Great, great post. I loved all the comments. Very thought-provoking.
I find myself between two thoughts: 1. To have no opinions brings peace. 2. To have a made up mind brings success.
Knowing when to choose which frame of mind is the answer…maybe?
One is self-less> (maybe you know what you’re talking about, so I will listen). The other is of ego…sort of>(I know what I mean, I know what I stand for, I know what I want and I know what I intend).
And that all works well when our thoughts are mighty and pure; steadfast and flexible; authenic with a sense of humor.
Wayne’s story was wonderful and all of the above!
“What we lack are not scientists but poets and people to reveal to the heart what the heart is ready to receive.” Joseph Campbell
Thank you for this, Bob,
Pamela
Thank you, Frank. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us! Indeed, it is *easier* to do instant replays than to consider criticism/feedback from outside sources. My personal opinion, however, is that both are important and, by not learning from that outside criticism, we won’t improve and grow as fast. And, just the act of learning how to deal with outside criticism helps the growth process. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you personally do anything different than what you are doing; it’s just my personal opinion.
Hi Pamela, thank you so much for sharing. Haven’t seen you around here in a while. We miss you! Regarding your point 2; that to have a made up mind brings success. I might be misunderstanding your statement. What if one makes up their mind about something but they are incorrect? I know that people have done that…and rumor has it that *I’ve* done that a time or two myself LOL! Again, though, I might have misunderstood the point. I’m also not sure that (referring to your point 1) I can be opinion-less. Then again, there might be peace with that in sort of an “ignorance is bliss” type of way. Let me repeat though; again, I may have misunderstood the point. Either way, great to see you here again!
As always, such thought-provoking conversations get started here. Thank you all for sharing!
Thank YOU, Laura!
Hi Bob, I’m glad I was missed. I miss all of you. I love to think! (Isn’t that a weird statement?). Thank you for responding to me. I’m truly honored to try to explain what I meant. Here we go:
In number one: It’s not that I have no opinions, but I’m willing to set mine aside for greater knowledge, a second opinion. Sometimes, my “replay” shows me that my opinion wasn’t correct. I’m open to discussion.
In number two: To obtain my dreams, I must know what they are, but more importantly, I must know who I am, or at least, have a pretty good idea who I want to be and go about trying to be the best me I can be. Does success come to those who don’t know what they want or who they want to be?
See? I fluctuate between those two thoughts. But I believe, or I’m beginning to believe, that
I can change my opinions, I can change my beliefs, I can even change my dreams, but still be who I am.
Somewhere along the line, though, I must establish, firmly, who I want to be. And begin the process of becoming the best me I can be.
I must be steadfast in some things, but flexible in others.
“Happiness is the greatest paradox in Nature. It can grow in any soil, live under any conditions. It defies environment. It comes from within. It is the revelation of the depths of the inner life as light and heat proclaim the sun from which they radiate. Happiness consists not of having, but of being; not of possessing, but of enjoying. It is the warm glow of a heart at peace with itself…
It is the aroma of life lived in harmony with high ideas. For what a man has, he may be dependent on others; what he is, rests with him alone. What he obtains in life is but acquisition; what he attains is growth. Happiness is the soul’s joy in the possession of the intangible…It is the gladness of the heart, rising superior to all conditions…Man might possess everything tangible in the world and yet not be happy, for happiness is the satisfying of the soul, not of the mind or body.”
William George Jordan
(And even while reading the above quote, I question some of it, but not all it).
Terrific thoughts, Pamela. Just one reason why I continue to encourage you to write your book! 🙂