On the most recent episode of my favorite online business show, Kitchen Table Talks with Chris Brogan and Joe Sorge (Tuesdays 2:00-2:30 ET on The Pulse Network), their weekly viewer discussion question was…
“Are you ‘too nice’?”
It was an excellent discussion point which brought many insightful responses. The question itself, however, contains a bit of a challenge. And – as long-time readers of this blog who know my rather predictable thought-processes have most likely already figured out – it is…”the premise” of the question itself.
In other words, what is meant by the word “nice?” Without a stated definition, everyone who answers the above question, will do so based on their personal belief system and internal definition. And, that’s exactly what happened.
Dictionary.com had 12 basic definitions of “nice” (Thesaurus.com had more than that number of synonyms).
Within the first two definitions were: pleasing; agreeable; delightful: a nice visit. Amiably pleasant; kind: They are always nice to strangers.
When answering the question about being “too nice” many wrote about “giving in” or being “taken advantage of.” These answer make sense in terms of the framing of the question. I mean, obviously, if a person is “too much” of something then it must be counter-productive.
Yet, nothing in the definitions above regarding the word “nice” would indicate that even a high degree of “nice” should have that result.
So, my response was the following:
“If you are nice AND being taken advantage of, it’s not because you are nice. It’s because you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.”
I’ve blogged in the past on topics such as how to be nice…while saying “no” to those things you should (or desire to) say no to. Also, one can be extraordinarily and authentically nice while involved in a disagreement and yet, not give an inch if that would be improper. And certainly, being nice while not compromising one’s principles is a hallmark of a person both confident and competent.
So, in my opinion, you cannot be “too” (i.e., “too much”) nice and have negative results. However, you can choose to be taken advantage of partake in other counter-productive behavior. But the two do not have any natural relationship.
Your thoughts?
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Bob,
It is so nice of you to take the time to post such a nice topic on your nice blog. I am also looking forward to all of the nice comments that will come, which are always a nice addition to any nice day!
Seriously though, “nice” when referring to an authentic character trait of someone is impossible to be done too much! Adding to that, being taken advantage of only happens when one allows it to happen to them, while being “wronged” is completely different. It seems the two sometime get confused and I believe that is where the rubber meets the road.
When a person is “wronged” by someone, their response usually will be the closest definition of their authenticity. Extending grace to a person doesn’t equal “nice” but instead understanding and/or maturity. Moreover, holding the “wrong-doer” accountable for their actions is often the “nicest” thing you can do for someone who has done something inappropriate to you as well.
I hope you have a nice day!
I agree~ being nice and being taken advantage of do not have any inherent relationship. I know people who are very nice AND tend to get taken advantage of, but like you mention, it’s not because they’re nice (although they and others will say that about them), it’s because they let themselves be taken advantage of. I tend to not be very supportive when that happens, because I see it as a choice (albeit a poor one) they’ve made. Similar to someone hitting themselves in the head with a hammer and whining about their headache. Quit doing that!!! Maybe I’m not as nice as I thought I was?
Steve, difficult not to have a “nice” day after a nice letter like that. Thank you! 🙂
Linda, yes you are! 🙂
Seriously, excellent thoughts and commentary, Steve and Linda!
I don’t think you can be to nice. Being “to nice” or more accurately as you say “allowing others to take advantage” is a co-dependent trait. Some common behavior characteristics of codependents- loyal even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved, giving into others instead of taking care of ourselves, difficulty with boundaries. There isnt anything wrong with being nice- its knowing how to balance self care and loving and caring for others. IMHO 🙂
Great points, Kimberly. Thank you for sharing!
Being nice and being taken advantage of are two different things. Being nice subjects you to the being taken advantage of but it’s your call. You van say No in a nice manner.
Hi Gloria, I totally agree with your first statement. Actually, I agree with everything you wrote except that being nice “subjects” you to anything. Of course, this is just my opinion; I don’t believe it actually does subject you to being taken advantage of because, as you said, it’s your call. Then again, you and I might being defining the terms “subjects you too” differently. Thank you for sharing!
I have this ongoing discussion with my friend, Andrea. She says I’m too nice. I think I understand better now what she means, though.
If you’re too nice…people step over the line and impose on you. If you keep you boundaries, and still do as much as you can…you hold your own and don’t feel “put upon”. O always put myself out and then felt a bit of a pity party…for me.
So I’ll continue to be nice, and do the right thing…but don’t insist I come to a meeting tonight, because I’m watching my favorite television show. I can meet with you tomorrow instead.
Lois, I believe I understand what your friend means, as well, because of the very premise discussed in the article. However, let me suggest – if I may – that they do not step over the line and impose on you *because* you are “too nice” but because you have not set/kept your boundaries. You nailed it perfectly in your third paragraph; be nice, do the right thing, stay true to your values and don’t be anyone’s door mat.
“It’s nice to be nice to the nice.” – is a favorite quote of mine from Major Frank Burns in an episode of the 1970’s hit television series M*A*S*H. Originally, it was meant to be nothing more than a rather silly and shallow statement, which was consistent with the overall banal and vapid personality of this particular character in the show, wonderfully portrayed by the late actor Larry Linville. Although I have used it many times to elicit a chuckle or two myself, I have always thought the words, taken literally, to contain a lot more value and, therefore, be worthy of much more scrutiny. Your blog post today triggered my memory of that throw-away line and requires me to agree with you and your commentators. I believe that being nice not only to the nice is nice, but that kindness, compassion, empathy and understanding, especially in the face of adversity, resistance or any form of bad behavior, whether in one’s business or personal life, while at the same time standing your ground and holding fast to your own principles, is a difficult, but admirable trait that often ends up winning the argument, closing the business deal and otherwise carrying the day. Bob, thank you once again for an excellent discussion topic and for being such a great mentor to me and countless others!
Allan, thank you for your wise and insightful comments, my friend. Excellent! And, yes, Larry Linville was an excellent actor – by all accounts a very kind and gracious man. More to his acting credit that he could so convincingly play Frank Burns.
“If you are nice AND being taken advantage of, it’s not because you are nice. It’s because you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.”
Thank you for that! So simple and sheer genius!
WOW, Susan…thank you for that very kind compliment. Very appreciated!
Bob,
Thanks so much for the discussion around our question of the week at Kitchen Table Talks on The Pulse Network. I agree that were many way that the question could have been interpreted. I used to work to not let this happen, but I’ve found that allowing for personal definitions within the question itself produces more thoughtful responses. You’ll see it again in this weeks question: How do you manage for creativity? It’s doubly loaded 🙂
I can also appreciate your point when trying to ask a serious question and not one that’s built to elicit many different styles of responses. I’d almost call it dangerous.
Thanks so much for your support of our little show over there Bob. We really appreciate you as a regular participant.
Hi Joe, my pleasure! And,m yes, I hear what you’re saying…there is certainly something to be said for simply putting the question out there and allowing people to answer based on their own personal definitions. And, there were some really terrific responses!
{Note: Joe is the co-host, with Chris Brogan, of Kitchen Table Talks. Tune in at 2PM eastern time for today’s episode http://www.ThePulseNetwork.com}
Nice always seemed like such a vague word to me. It is like when someone asks how you are doing and the reply is ‘fine’. What does that mean to be nice or that you are fine? They always seemed to be the quick ‘non-answer’ answers that people give in passing. I prefer to be kind over being nice. Kindness, to me, requires some action as in sharing a kind word or doing a kind deed.
As for being taken advantage of- it depends upon whether you put out the welcome mat or the door mat. You can be welcoming without becoming the door mat. It is all about setting limits. Often the greatest kindness you can give is to hold to your limits even when doing so may not seem so nice.
Great points, Debbi, throughout your comments. Regarding the first point, yes, that’s exactly why I believe in defining terms.
Bob, this a great post! I absolutely love the distiction you’ve made here. So many seem to associate being nice with being taken advantage of…which is so unfair to “nice”…because he (nice) didn’t have anything to do with your being taken advantage of, he was just being nice…YOU were simply being boundary-less. They’ve got nothing to do with each other! It’s amazing, we have heard this repeated so many times that its easy to buy into it if you’re not super tuned in (or have Bob to remind you!). So thanks Bob for rescuing nice and giving him back his self respect and honor in all this! 🙂
LOL Thank you, Sean. I love it!! (Very…errr, “nice” of you to say} 🙂
Also, I love Steve’s comment: “when a person is wronged by someone, their response will usually be the closest definition of their authenticity”. Thanks Steve!
That was indeed a very wisdom-filled comment by Steve. Thank you for acknowledging that.
Hmm…good post, Bob. This question definitely comes up in my line of business and communication. As a consultant, I do find myself being agreeable and pleasing to enhance client relations or customer service. As you stated in the blog, it is important to define the term, “too nice”. There are different levels of kindness and certain behaviors which may be considered, “too nice” for some industries in regards to others. From my experiences, when I am relating with a customer or client, I treat others the exact way I want to be treated. Hopefully that is not seen in a negative view or being, “too nice”… Keep up the super work!
Hi Chi Chi, I think it again goes back to how you are defining nice. Once you know the premise upon which you are basing that, the rest if rather easy to determine. Again, by the definition of the term, “nice” that I’m using, it would be impossible to be “too nice.” However, it is very possible to allow yourself to be taken advantage of. But…in my opinion, the two are not related. That’s just my opinion, of course. By the way, where you say you treat others the exact way you want to be treated…Tony Alessandra and Jim Cathcart suggest that you can take that a step further via their “Platinum Rule” of treating others the way THEY want to be treated. That, since the way they would want to be treated and the way you want to be treated might differ. Just a thought. 😉
Thanks, Bob. This was a real eye opener =)
Kimberly, thank you. So glad you found it to be helpful!
My experience has been that life will keep teaching this lesson until you “get it”…
All people, including nice people, thrive with boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t about rigidity or being less nice.
They’re about clarity – and being more of everything you value most.
Great discussion, my Nice friend 😉 Thank you!
Great teaching, Dr. Mollie. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
Bob:
I was taught by my parents (you knew) that if you do “nice” thing for a stranger everyday that you will be a better person for it! I personally abide by this principle. However, I can separate doing the “nice” thing from everyday life and being responsible both personally and professionally. I hope this makes sense. My Best,
Neil
Great to hear from you Neil. Thank you for sharing with us!
I wonder what would be a nice way of saying, when meeting someone on a first date, that you don’t believe that you and the other person “click” or that just a nice way of saying “I don’t believe we are a match” that will be recieved well.
Hi Lilyana, that’s always a tough one, isn’t it? I seem to recall one date told me she had to stay home and wash her hair…every night…for the next five years! Hmm, I wasn’t really sure what she was trying to tell me. LOLOL
Truly, that is difficult if you feel the other person likes you and would like to purse the relationship. I think the only thing you can do is tactfully and honestly tell them exactly what you suggested above; that while they are very nice and you had a nice time, you don’t feel there’s a connection; or match. Anyone else want to weigh in on this? I’m certainly no expert in this particular question.
That really is a tough one Lilyana! I’m sitting here thinking about it, and the only thing that seems “nice” is a lie, so that can’t be right. Although honesty is always the best choice, ouch! How DO you say that in a nice way? Look forward to hearing others thoughts on this one.
A beautiful woman once told me the way she handles the above-described inevitable first date/no chemistry finale is by simply telling the gentleman toward the end of the date that she very much appreciated him taking the time out of his busy schedule to meet with her and to have a nice day or night, as the case may be. She claims that most men get the message 99% of the time. Just for the record, this same lovely lady confided this insight to me on our 9th or 10th date, so either she really likes me…or I’m in the top 1%!
Good article Bob, I am one of those nice guys but rarely am I taken advantage of because well I guess I am not that “nice” or should I say willing to be taken advantage of….I typically don’t spend time with people who are not good people. I always treat others the way I would want to be treated, create as much value as possible like a Go-Giver!
Excellent, Dan. Exactly…it’s not that you are not “that nice”…it’s that you’re not willing to be taken advantage of. Good for you!