For many, meeting someone new can be nerve-wracking enough without that dreaded feeling of “What if I can’t think of anything to say?” Fortunately, there’s a powerful and effective method for getting very comfortable with social small talk; making it work for both you and the other person.
Janine from Oregon writes:
“Bob, I understand your concept of Feel-Good Questions® in order to comfortably engage a new prospect in conversation But I just want to be more comfortable with those first few seconds of small talk? I know some people who are so good at it, but I feel completely inept — like I just don’t know what to say and neither does the other person. I hate that uncomfortable silence. What do I do?”
Janine, I believe more people than you realize have that same challenge. Silence — as the saying goes — may be golden, but not when you’re trying to begin a conversation with a new acquaintance. For advice, I turned to Leil Lowndes, a woman I consider to be the foremost authority in this area.
In her book, Talking the Winner’s Way, she suggests “not letting your conversation be exposed defenseless against the two inevitable ‘assaults’ — ‘Where are you from?’ and ‘What do you do?'”
Leil cites the example, “You’re at a convention. Everyone you meet will, of course, ask, ‘And where are you from?’ If you answer, ‘Muscatine, Iowa’ or ‘Denver, Colorado’ what can you expect except a blank stare? You’ll receive a panicked look. They’re racking their brains thinking, ‘What do I say next?'”
Instead, Leil suggests making it easy for them to respond cleverly. You ensure this by “adding an extra sentence or two about your city — some interesting fact or witty observation — to bring the asker into the conversation.” (Example: I might say, “I’m from Jupiter, Florida, hometown of Burt Reynolds.” That really opens the door for conversation.)
Leil goes a step further and says you can specifically gear your extra sentence to the person with whom you’re conversing. She urges us to have an interesting fact about our city or town that would be of interest to a business person, a politician, a sports enthusiast, etc. You can also craft your extra sentence for answering the question, “And what do you do for a living?”
I heartily recommend Leil’s book. Actually, all her books! All it takes is a little practice, Janine, and you’ll become (and be perceived by others as) a master conversationalist.
Meanwhile, friends; along these lines, is there something similar you have found to be effective that you can share with us?
Enjoy this post? Receive an update when our next post is published by entering your best email address below and clicking Get Updates.
All this is true – & at the same time I believe there is a universal umbrella which can be carried about with the utmost nonchalance – Be aware that the person you are facing is fascinating – know that deeply – listen intently – you will require not a jot of “technique” or conscious thought in order to proceed – This is my belief, and my experience. Thank you. I get a lot out of your books, believe me…Wayne
Hi Bob,
I love your daily messages. I have found it best to focus 100% of your attention on the person you are meeting by showing an interest in them and the things that are important to them. I never have these moments of silence and it isn’t because I am talking. It is because the other person is answering my questions, which are all based on things they have said.
As an example, if someone says they are in the restaurant business. I could think of 100 questions to ask ranging from how did you get in that line of work to how is the economy effecting you.
To me this is simple. It’s all about showing an interest in the other person by listening and asking questions.
Have a great weekend.
Tdod
Hi Bob,
This is great information. Thank you! One thing I would like is your advice on how to politely bow out of a conversation. Sometimes it is hard to find the correct words if you need to move on, any suggestions?
Great questions & answers,
I have to agree with Todd. When small talk is presented, such as, “where are you from?” I answer, “Dallas, TX” and you? Then my conversation is directly diverted to them. You can ask a zillion questions from there. What brought you there? Business? Family? What is your favorite activities to do there? If I travel there, what would you suggest I do in my down time? If you know anything about that particular town –such as sports teams, industry, famous people from there, etc.,–you can talk freely about that. You could also tie in your suggestions on how to refer people to them.
Chances are they are struggling too! Bowing out could be as simple as thanking them for their time, realizing there must be other people they need to talk to. If you say there are others you want to talk to, would make them feel their time was invaluable.
Thanks Bob, I can’t wait for your answers! This advice could apply in many situations / conversations!
g
Great advice Bob. Personally, I just find something to say – comment on the food, the weather, anything. If at a conference with name badges that indicate city and state, I’ll say “Omaha! I used to go there every year when I was a kid” (which by the way is true). Or “Seattle. That is one place I still haven’t gotten to.”
Anything can start a conversation. I just try to be curious and see where it takes me. And sometimes I crack myself up in the process.
This is all so great, Bob. Since it almost always comes around to, “What do you do?” here’s my twist on that: “Can you share a story about a client you’ve helped?” It has always worked to bring the person away from their prepared script, onto new conversational ground and help me learn so much about them and their work. It transforms your new acquaintance from robot to human and inspires “large talk.”
Best!
Steve
BTW: I echo Christie’s question…
I think that all of the feedback and advice you all have offered in terrific, fantastic, and invaluable. And, I agree with those of you who said the key is genuine focus on and caring about the other person. Absolutely! What I’d like to suggest though, is that – with many people – until their confidence in this area is a bit more developed, it’s helpful to have some words, phrases and questions they can have at top of mind just to help along the process.
Christie, regarding your question, I’ve always found it works to allow them to finish their current thought, then when it’s my turn to speak, I say a few words…then I interrupt myself in order to segue into ending the conversation. It could be something as simple as, “well, it was terrific meeting you and getting to chat. Thank you so much.” (while I might want to add, “excuse me, it’s time for my lobotomy”, I tend not to do that.) 🙂 Geneva’s suggestion was very helpful, as well. In fact, I think hers was better than mine.
Thank you all for your great advice, and of course the twist of humor 🙂
We seem to think we should automatically be good at this type of conversation, but it really does take some practice and thinking ahead about how to make it flow. Especially when the the other person is probably less comfortable and more uncertain that we are. It’s a leadership position that we should take – the responsibility to help the conversation flow.
As for ending a conversation gracefully, I agree with Geneva, but would add that we should say it to the other person. “It’s been a pleasure, but I really should let you mingle and meet more people.” It can also serve as a gentle reminder to them to not monopolize any one person 🙂
Hi Beth, yes, I think you hit it right on the head; for many of us, it’s not something that comes naturally so being prepared provides us with confidence. And, when we feel prepared and have that feeling of confidence, that is what allows us to focus on the other person and not on ourselves.
I also like your tip for ending the conversation gracefully, as well.
This blog conversation proves anyone can have a pleasant, intellectual, meaningful conversation that would leave the other person feeling like their time spent with US was valuable! That is the key!
Kudos to everyone and I am ready to put into practice what you guys suggested!
Bob, you are such a terrific conduit & catalyst!
Thanks!
g
Thank YOU, Geneva. Your kind words are always uplifting. I appreciate ya’!