In Part One we looked at a basic principle in the persuasion process. As the great Dale Carnegie taught us in his classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, “People do things for their reasons, not ours. So make your reason, their reason.”
I ended by saying that all actions taken by we human-type beings are in fact based on self-interest. But, what about charity work and financial donations, as well as other totally, so-called selfless acts? When someone does any of that, does that also fall under Mr. Carnegie’s admonition?
Actually, their actions are indeed based on their own self-interest. Remember, even when giving charity or, in an extreme example, deciding to donate a kidney to save another’s life, they do this because it is in alignment with their value system; they believe it is the right thing to do, and would make them feel better about themselves than would the alternative choice.
I love what Esther and Jerry Hicks write: “There isn’t anything anybody wants {does} that is for any other reason than that they think they would feel better in having {by doing} it.”*
Really think on this one and see if you determine that it applies to you, as well.
Please understand I’m not saying that every choice one makes is the easiest, most comfortable or most convenient — only that one does it for their own reasons — either consciously or unconsciously — based on their own personal value system.
This, by the way, is what Ayn Rand was referring to when she wrote of the “virtue” of selfishness (obviously, defining the word “selfish” differently than its common usage). She was simply referring to living a life of congruency. However, I’m sure you can also see why most people — not being willing to explore a contrarian idea past its surface — reacted with scathing anger to her suggestion (not that she was the most tactful and considerate in her responses). 🙂
I stress this point regarding self-interest because its understanding is perhaps the very key to mastering the art of positive persuasion; that the other person will do what they are going to do for their reasons; not ours.
Let’s pick this discussion back up in Part Three and tie it directly into upping your ability to persuade in a way that serve everyone involved.
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* Words in brackets were my additions
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Gee wiz golly….guilty as charged: I LOVE THE WAY I FEEL TO HELP PEOPLE SUCCEED. WATCHING THINGS UNFOLD AS A RESULT OF WHAT I HAD TO OFFER FUELS ME TO DO MORE. Am I boasting? Ugggg work in progress.
As you know, Bob, this is in complete alignment with my belief system – we all do what we do because it makes us feel better. Does it make me feel better to help others? Yes. Taken to the extreme, look at the example Greg Mortensen (Three Cups of Tea) has set for us all. Do I contribute? Yes. But his story caused me to want to play bigger. In his ‘wanting’ to help others he created opportunity for himself and many more. The cycle is endless.
Absolutely right on. Ultimately, everything we do is for ourselves. And I believe, to the degree we feel we’re a part of the larger whole, we do it for “us.” Truly “selfish” people will seek benefits for themselves at the expense of others. Go-givers, on the other hand, seek benefits for everyone involved–including themselves.
Feeling somewhat disconnected to the thought presented here. This is thought provoking for sure, but at this point (and for the first time) I don’t agree with your premise as I understand it.However, I am thinking I need to dig deeper and make sure I get the right understanding. By the way, just shared your book with a women on a flight – she’s buying it today!
Susan: I love it. Great!!
Amy: Exact-a-mundo!!
Jo: Great. The key is that doing what is congruent with our beliefs and interests does not mean it is (or ever should be) at anyone else’s expense.
Steve: Not a problem. This is a tough one to get one’s mind around. The reason is that we’ve had so many (as Randy Gage would say) “meme’s” or mind viruses regarding certain words, that terms such as “selfish” or even “self-interest” can elicit a very emotion-laden and negative reaction. I’d ask you to read through the article again, and maybe even another time, perhaps standing back from it just a bit and see if it begins to make a bit more sense. Here’s one thing you might do: ask yourself, “is there anything that one would ever do that is contrary to their own self interest?” Again, that question can even cause anger because one might want to say, “But what about Mother Teresa; she ‘sacrificed’ her life, living in poverty to help the poorest of the poor.” And, I’d say that she – the very saintly woman that she was (truly one of my greatest heroes) – didn’t “sacrifice”…she did what she did because it aligned with HER belief systems and, ultimately…yes, self-interest; the feeling she received by knowing she lived her life according to her values. Also, ask yourself, is there anything you do that ultimately isn’t because you believe it is right and in accordance with your beliefs. Let me also refer you back to where I said that doesn’t mean the decision is the most comfortable or convenient for you. Only that you’re doing it because you believe it is in your best self-interest to do so; even if that self-interest in only the feeling you’ll receive from knowing you lived according to your principles. I don’t know if this helps or not.
Great article Bob,
I like the angle from the perspective of self. How does it measure up with our biz mantra?
1.Make a friend—-get over myself enough to welcome people in my world. Now I’m a sanguine, so I never meet a stranger, but…..there is are levels of “friends.” The scarlet thread is knowing, it isn’t about me. It is, however, in my best interest to make a friend with them.
2.Find a need—-engage them in enough conversations to find their self interest, what dream stirs their soul, or their passion. Of course…..it serves me to know these things.
3. Transfer a feeling—-Deposit feelings of how they can know, like & trust what I am offering & how it can add value to THEIR interests. While I am making their interests mine, this continues to serve me!
When I was a “follower” and negated affirmation, I took pride in knowing I didn’t need it! I was a martyr. This fed my think tank that I was a good person. This also caused people to take advantage of me. Needless to say….I am not that person anymore.
You have presented a deep subject, but then…..Albert says…”The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”
I appreciate you!
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This topic can be very controversial…mostly based on the guilt some of us feel by admitting that our decisions are based on self-interest. Is it not in our own best interest to create a loving atmosphere where those around us feel respected and nurtured? Is it not selfish to live healthy lives so that we can become the highest expression of ourselves and therefore express our gifts in a big way? In this light it is easier to see that the idea of being selfish is a lofty goal. It is only when we approach a situation with a lack mentality or poverty consciousness that we show up as a “selfish” individual…and in this sense we show up as less than the amazing, empowered, fearless and loving beings that we know we can be.
Lucia: Very well said!!
Still going to need some time on this – but thanks for commenting back
Steve: Thank YOU for giving it such thought. The good news is, if you find you simply don’t agree with me, that’s okay, as well. And, hey; who’s to say I’m even right? 🙂 I appreciate you, my friend.