How often does an argument ensue and hurt feelings result from an exchange of well-intentioned, or even neutral (i.e., information-type) words when, with a little bit of thought, clarification and definition, such misunderstandings, unhappiness and even resentment could easily be avoided?
Example: Pat tells you the party tonight begins at 7:30, “dressy-casual” and it won’t be that crowded. Good thing, especially that last part, because you don’t like crowds.
You arrive at 7:30 on the dot. Pat hasn’t arrived yet, most of the people there are dressed much more formally than you are, and there are a lot more people than you expected. When Pat finally arrives at 7:45, you voice your displeasure.
“Pat, you’re 15 minutes late and I don’t know anyone here, which makes me very uncomfortable. I feel way underdressed. I thought you said ‘dressy-casual.’ And, I would definitely call this a crowd.”
Genuinely surprised and confused, Pat responds, “What are you talking about? I meant ‘around’ 7:30. What’s the big deal? And dressy-casual means more dressy than casual – just not formal. ‘Everyone’ knows that. And you think this is a crowd?”
An exaggerated example, to be sure, but still somewhat typical, right? Both of you are correct and, then again, incorrect…that is, depending upon your viewpoints and belief systems regarding the terms, “7:30”, “dressy-casual” and “crowd.”
Both of you have different meanings for each of those three terms. You know what you mean. And, you naturally assume Pat’s concept/definition of those terms are the same as yours. The same holds true for Pat. In other words, you both believe you are “speaking the same language” but you’re not. And, neither of you knows you are not. You “don’t know that you don’t know.”
Now imagine you need to converse with someone who speaks an entirely different language (not metaphorically such as “Mars and Venus” or “personality profiles” but, again, literally another language). How difficult it would be to get your point across! Universally recognized smiles aside, after that, you’ve still got to be able to communicate the words that will result in the appropriate understanding.
The one advantage here over the previous conversation is that AT LEAST YOU BOTH KNOW you’re not speaking the same language. You “know that you don’t know.”
When you think about it, the first conversation we looked at is actually more dangerous and fraught with more potential confusion. Why? Because we all walk around believing that we’re communicating when, in actuality, we often are not.
The solution, and the way to avoid misunderstanding, is to make sure you “define your terms.” And, make sure the other person does so as well.
Why? Two reasons: first, because when we define our terms, we have clarity – we know what we are saying. Secondly, the other person knows what we are saying. When we insist (politely, of course) that they do the same, we have extra clarity and understanding. And, so do they.
Example: “Pat, just for my own clarification, when you say it won’t be that crowded, about how many people are expected to attend?” or, “I’m just thinking, in case our concepts of dressy-casual are different, what do you see as being appropriate attire?”
(By the way, the phrases “for my own clarification” and “I’m just thinking” are known as “softeners” – polite lead-ins to your question which soften any type of perceived coarseness.)
So, make sure of two things: One, that you define your terms (what do you yourself mean by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”?) and two, know exactly what “Pat” means by “7:30, crowded, and dressy-casual”. When you remember to do this, misunderstandings, which can result in negative feelings, will be much less likely to occur.
We’ll explore this concept further in future articles.
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Wow, so true! Thanks for the information. It’s so easy to get caught in an argument simply because of a slight misunderstanding. The advice is very helpful, great job!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Bob…..This totally cracked me up. You have to know that my personality is Choleric/Sanguine. I am somehow a magnet for Melancholy/Phlegmatic biz partners. I think prior to my divorce 16 yrs. ago I was an extreme Mel/Pleg so I can relate to them!
As I read this, it so resonates in at least one, if not more, of my conversations daily. I LOVE CROWDS….I LOVE TO DRESS UP….. I SAY 730ish. all the time! Dressy casual to me is dressy. To some it is jeans. There is totally a disconnect! I have learned time management b/c of this!
This however is not the way my melancholy friends are wired. They want the time, location, break schedules, speakers, hotels, dress code, menu, rental cars, etc. Crowds freak them out, as your example above clearly describes. AND…they hate pictures….I have a camera phone glued to my hands at all times…..
THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY….. Although…I am very organized and because I know people respond this way…I go over and above to have the facts, whether I have to use them or not. I also do this to relieve my mentor from petty tasks!
This practice spills over in every area of my life. My son needs details….I have learned this and respect that. My co-workers are diverse. I feel like a chameleon sometimes, but…I love people enough to wade through my “feelings” & help them. Not in the sense to become weak, but to communicate with clarity.
In my attempt to be the greatest servant leader I can possibly become, reflect the quality of leaders I represent with excellence, I would rather say it the way they need to hear it than to continually repeat it. This is a time stealer & often causes frustration on all sides. Understanding personality types has saved my life in this area. I understand the difference, and try very hard to make things clear. Sometimes this is painful & I believe there should be give & take on all sides.
I do not however, enable them to look to me for all their answers. This is a self-development learning process. This will handicap them in building their team! There is balance! As much as I strive for balance…..I attempt daily to lead by example so they can do the same thing.
Thank God for a magnificent training system we are privy to. I am comforted in knowing they are listening to the same thing I am. This holds them accountable to make the necessary changes!
You wisdom is priceless! Thanks so much!
Absolutely required. Especially in conversations with potential clients. I’ve seen so many instances of salespeople desperately trying to “overcome an objection” that wasn’t. If they had only asked a question first to uncover what the prospect was really asking for.
Thank you! I have found myself in the “language trap” more times than I care to mention. Great advise, not everyone thinks like me (actually most don’t -lol), so clarification, on my part will help me avoid the negativity feelings. This advise, when applied, should also help others to be more comfortable with the information I am trying to relay.
Impressive and informative, great article!
Bob, Thanks for the post. It reminds me of a great quote by Socrates ~ “The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms.” There was also some research done in linguistics, (I can’t recall who did it), that found the more common the word, the less meaning it actually has. Examples of this might be conservative, progressive, Christian. Whenever someone speaks in such terms, I am always inspired to ask, “Many people use that term with different intentions. When you say __________, what do YOU mean by that?” It sure helps avoid a lot of confusion later on.
Great advice! I really like your “Softeners”. Do you have any suggested reading that focuses solely on “Softeners?”
Leticia: You really nailed it. Much of it comes down to the fact that people don’t think like we do…but we assume they do. Once have that figured out, where just about to the finish line of people skills. :- Thank you for your kind feedback.
Gary: Thank you. I agree; it is easy to get caught up in that, isn’t it? And, so often we do. Thank you for sharing.
Geneva: That’s terrific. You’ve really tapped into how personality types can lead to misunderstandings, until you discover the power of understanding personality types. Way to go!
John: That quote by Socrates says so much, doesn’t it? It’s really the premise around which everything else revolves in terms of understanding. And, how very true; the research done in linguistics. That really makes sense; the more common the word the less specific meaning. WOW!
Julie: Thank you. I agree with you completely. I recall that happening to me a time or three. 🙂