Often, what we ask is not nearly as important as the way we ask. Ask the customer service rep if they’ll take back the widget you bought without the receipt you lost, and you’ll probably hear, “It’s against our policy.”
Ask, however, that “Understanding it’s against normal policy to return an item without the receipt, which I (said with a genuinely humble smile) somehow managed to lose, what’s the best way to go about doing this?” and you’ll most likely have that person on your side and seeking a solution, perhaps asking his or her supervisor for help.
The key is the frame you consciously set.
Reminds me of a clever “joke with a lesson” I heard several years ago:
Steve and Marty are talking, and Steve wonders whether it is okay to smoke while praying. Marty replies, “Why don’t you ask Clergy Smith?”
So Steve approaches his clergyman and asks, “May I smoke while praying?”
Clergyman Smith replies, “No, you absolutely may not. That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Steve goes back to his friend and repeats the answer.
Marty says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so, Marty approaches his spiritual leader and asks, “May I pray while smoking?”
To which the clergyman eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. You may pray anytime!”
Now, first, for the politically correct amongst us, no, I’m not endorsing smoking, either while praying or anytime else. However, the example illustrates the power of asking a question within a context or frame that is more likely to get you the result you want.
Do you think it would more effective to tell your team they “have to” follow a new procedure…or that they “get to” follow a new procedure that will make the system more effective?
Children are often excellent natural frame-masters. Johnny asks his dad if he can stay out an extra hour later tonight. Dad says, “Ask your mother.” (Hmm, Johnny’s dad and mine sound very similar.) 🙂 Johnny says to Mom, “Mom, I asked Dad if I can stay out an extra hour later tonight; he just wants your ‘okay’ first.”
Isn’t that a much more effective frame than simply asking, “Is it alright if I stay out an extra hour later tonight?”
In L. Michael Hall’s excellent book, Frame Games he tells us that “It’s all in the frame.” Wow, is he ever right! Especially when it comes to framing requests for persuasion success.
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I believe it was Anthony Jay that said, “the uncreative mind can spot wrong answers, but it takes a creative mind to spot the wrong questions.” With your insight Bob, we can now add it takes a creative mind to frame the right question.
If I’ve learned anything, it is that if you can get someone to ask the wrong question, the answer doesn’t matter. And as you so aptly point out here, if you ask the right question, the right things will happen.
-RG
Hey Bob, I especially enjoyed this article. Thanks!
In sales, I’ve found that mediocre salespeople often have the mentality of “It’s me and my persuasive skills against you and your wallet…while top-notch salespeople think like, “It’s me and you against this problem you’re having, so let’s put our heads together and see if my product/service can fix it.”
It really is all in the frame.
That is a hilarious story! Bob, you’re spot on when you say that children are natural frame-masters (my 8 year old daughter certainly is). As usual, a great reminder and tip of how we can have more impact in our communications and relationships. Thanks!
Hi Bob,
It is interesting how kids do this naturally, yet we lose it later?
“Have to or get to”, another of my common sayings to myself and my team this year.
I’m not letting my kids read this one yet though! Smiles!
Jennifer
Bob,
Thanks for reminding us of the power of the frame. So often, we are presented with ideas where the presenter leaves it up to us to discover our own frame. When this happens, we are listening with our prejudices and preexisting expectations. By taking just a few seconds to set the expectations through proper framing, we will eliminate much of the need to overcome objections. When we help people see our perspective up front, our ability to find alignment and effectively persuade is optimized.
Hmmm…interesting article. You did a great job of framing the message so we’d get it! Great job Mr. Bob!
Loved all of your comments. Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to participate and contribute!
As usual Bob your articles make me think. I have been practicing this technique for a while and have noticed that I am getting better at it, thank goodness. I agree with Mike Cassidy that it really does take a creative mind to frame the right question. Today so many people do not tap into their creativity and simply do things by rote because that is what they were taught to do. Thanks for reminding me to keep going, because we can all get a little better every day!