In Part One we saw that it’s important to take responsibility for things like making sure that the coffee you are pouring actually makes it into your cup as opposed to on your hand. And, we began to look at how the same holds true with conversation.
I’m thinking back to an online chatroom discussion regarding a controversial political issue in which I participated about six or seven months ago. Though I don’t participate in many online discussion groups anymore, in this one I learned an important lesson.
I made one particular point, the meaning of which was mistaken by one of the other participants. His reply to me, and not made in a very kind, tactful manner, brought agreement from several of the other participants. I then wrote an explanation, but could tell it was not readily accepted, as the damage had already been done.
I came away from the chat angry at them for not understanding what I originally said, which to me, was absolutely obvious. Being an analyzer of communication, however, I kept replaying the e-conversation in my mind. The more I thought about it, the more I could see that, though anyone who was carefully considering what I said would surely understand it, it was equally true that anyone who didn’t carefully consider my remark could misunderstand it. And, several of them did.
Now, we might ask ourselves, shouldn’t people try and figure out what we “really” mean? Perhaps they should, but usually they won’t. It isn’t human nature. It’s much easier to not think that hard and, instead, rely on our already-existing belief system to process it for us through an already-existing lense. Therefore, for us to be master persuaders, we must take responsibility for the communication.
So, am I willing to take responsibility for how that online communication (or, miscommunication) was perceived? Yes. Because, as I was taught years ago by a very wise man, “Burg, when the shooter misses the target, it ‘ain’t’ the target’s fault.” Advice well taken.
One might be tempted to say, “I say what I say the way I want to say it and if a person doesn’t get it, that’s their problem.”
And that’s fine, unless “one” really does care about successfully making the point they’re trying to make, persuading people to accept and embrace their views, and building and maintaining positive relationships with those important to them.
If that’s not an issue, then there’s not need to worry about it. If it is (as it is for most of us), then be prepared to accept the responsibility for your communication.
*Note: This was originally going to be a two-part series, Heather’s question below inspired both Part Three and Part Four.
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Great points as always! Reminds me of someone that I know that often says “why do you always take me wrong?” The challenge (IMO) is that most of the time people ‘receive’ the information through their own filter, based on their own point of view. It’s the old “you’ll always find what you’re looking for” adage. The same person mentioned above will often perceive what another says as “criticism’ or judgement even though many others wouldn’t. I am big on taking responsibility, but we cannot control the mindset of the listener can we? Not that blaming anyone is ever useful or productive!
Reminds me of what my very astute 12yo said in a letter to a life success consultant “thanks to your ability to teach AND my willingness to learn…”
You’re right on all counts, Heather. It is also the responsibility of the listener to listen with an eye (well, I guess that would be, an ear) 🙂 toward understanding. Now, the fact that they often won’t do that simply means that if we want to put the odds in our favor that we’ll be understood, we need to take responsibility not only to communicate properly but even ask the proper questions to make sure we are understood. Not always easy, convenient or realistic. So, when it comes right down to it, we do the best we can within the context of the situation. Thank you – I think you just gave me an idea for tomorrow’s post. 🙂