The following actually happened a couple of years ago. While something specifically like this may or may not ever happen to you, the general situation most like has, and will again. Take note of the various “principles” and “techniques” used to turn this situation around.
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9:45 pm at “customs” at the Toronto International Airport, and things were progressing nicely. I was about to be checked through by the last person, my ride was waiting to take me to the hotel, and I’d be set for a good night’s sleep and ready to present the following morning. But, there would be an unusual snag.
As usual, everyone at “immigration” had been exceedingly polite (I’ve found that Canadians, on the whole, tend to be extremely gracious people). Walking toward the officer at the final clearance checkpoint who’d need to check me through, I smiled at her, and received a smile in return.
She asked why I was coming into Canada and I told her I was here to speak at a national convention of Financial Services Consultants. That’s when her entire attitude and demeanor suddenly changed. “You are a seminar leader then?” she asked. When I answered in the affirmative, she seemed to become rather agitated.
“Exactly what are you speaking on?”
When I told her, she asked me to clarify. When I did so, she said she didn’t understand and asked me to “further” clarify. When I complied, she began asking questions about the company, their history, the numbers in attendance, and other matters I knew were not relevant to the situation (I’ve spoken in Canada enough times to have a working understanding of what they need to know in order to comply with immigration laws).
Now I’m thinking, hmm, something is wrong (could I be a brain surgeon or what?) :-). Why the sudden change in her demeanor?
One principle of Winning Without Intimidation tells us: “There are usually two reasons for a person’s negative actions — the real reason, and the reason they’ll provide” (and often, they themselves are not consciously aware of the difference). Something was bothering her that was “not” yet apparent to me, but I’d need to figure it out soon or I’d be spending hours at the immigration office.
She asked if I would specifically define myself as a “seminar leader, consultant, lecturer, or speaker.” Actually, I’d define myself as “a really nice guy” but was fairly sure that wasn’t the correct answer. I was pretty certain at this point that anything I said could and would he held against me. When I told her I could most accurately be defined as a speaker, she made the “tch tch tch” sound that told me that shouldn’t have been my — as Regis would say — “final ansuh.” (I just knew I should have used one of my lifelines!) 🙂
“Technique” of Winning Without Intimidation: “At this point, regardless of whether you feel angry, confused, bewildered, abused, etc., do your best to keep your wits about you.” Maintain a sincere, warm smile and display extreme patience and politeness in your responses. A person acts this way because they “want” you to become flustered and lose control. Now is not the time to raise your voice or insult them. Keep cool!
Me: “Waaaaa, I want my Mommmmmy!” (only kidding — I managed to stay cool).
Her next question dealt with whether I was receiving an “honorarium” or a “fee” for my engagement — honorarium denoting little money and fee implying lots of money. Now, despite the fact that it was likely she’d have been much happier had I said “honorarium”, I told her the truth and said I was receiving a fee.
“Principle” of Winning Without Intimidation: “Aside from the fact that lying is generally wrong (unless you or your loved ones are in danger) it also will often backfire.” For instance, had I said “honorarium” and she detained me in order to check, and found out the size of the fee I was receiving, I could truly have been in hot water and possibly sent back home without further discussion. My client would not have been happy. No, the truth is usually best.
IW (Immigration Woman): Mr. Burg, let me tell you the problem.
(Note from Bob: It sounded something like this: “Blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah. Blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah.)
Bob: Well, I completely understand what you’re saying. You have rules that must be followed. I’m a guest in your country and I respect that fact entirely and will do my best to comply. I don’t blame you a bit (hmm, about that “truth” thing a couple of paragraphs back, well, that “last” sentence there . . .).
Applying Winning Without Intimidation “strategies,” I let her speak — without interrupting her — and then agreed with her premise. It wasn’t her true reason, but that didn’t matter. Remember, there is no winning a debate in this situation, so don’t even try. Now, even though she still had not quite leveled with me regarding the actual problem, it had to come out soon, which it did …
IW: Do you know {name of a successful U.S. speaker/author}?
Bob: I know of him.
IW: He came through here several months ago, and he was the most obnoxious, arrogant person who has ever…………..
Ahhhh, there we have it. That was her problem and, of course, now mine. She had been insulted and hurt by an outwardly similar person and was — I believe, unconsciously; not with any mal-intent — taking it out on me, making me pay for it. After all, I was right there in front of her. This is what the whole incident had been about. It had nothing to do with anything other than that.
Two Principles of Winning Without Intimidation apply here:
#1 “People make major decisions based on limited information.” I’m an author/speaker. I’m from the U.S. Hence, I must be exactly like him.
#2 “The ego rules.” Her feelings had been hurt (and I don’t blame her). A person will actually act in a way not in accordance with their natural persona (I think she is actually a very nice person) if their ego is bruised.
Now it would be easy. She was able to get all of those bad feelings out her system and to let me know that she had the power to control my situation. That was fine with me. I feel badly that she had to go through that. Of course, I couldn’t agree with her and insult the other speaker, as that would be “gossiping” on my part. Instead, I poked fun at myself to set up a bridge into the following statement:
“I just appreciate your patience and helping me proceed through this.”
Technique of Winning Without Intimidation: What I just said is known as “Thanking the person in advance for what you want them to do.” Said correctly, this will elicit the person doing exactly what they’ve been thanked for.
Her response: “Well, I guess I shouldn’t be talking like that but he was really difficult. You’re obviously not like that. Anyway, Mr. Burg, I appreciate your patience and how honest you’ve been with me (isn’t that amazing?!). Have a great stay in Toronto.”
Reflecting on the incident, it is so clear that, in our world, people are ruled — they are driven — by their feelings, emotions and egos. I know I am, even though I try not to be. With that in mind, it’s completely understandable — though, still not acceptable — that this normally nice person could go out of her way to make another person’s life difficult … only because she perceived him as being like the one who previously offended her.
Mary Kay Ash said, “Everyone wears an invisible sign around their neck that says, ‘make me feel important.'” So, to solve this difficult challenge, my goal had to be to reinstate her feeling of importance.
Hey, glad I could be of help. 🙂
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Love it! But then since I know you, I would expect nothing less. 🙂 Gymbeaux
This is a wonderful example of WWI principle in practice. I know I would have got angry in your situation but now I realise I have an alternative. Well Done Bob.
This IS exactly the reason people contact you, Bob, when they desire to win an encounter without intimidation.
Thank you so much!
Thank you, Pamela. Much appreciated!!
LOL. Thank you, Gymbeaux; very kind of you.
Note from Bob: Check out Jim “Gymbeaux” Brown’s “Nuggets for the Noggin” http://www.nuggetsforthenoggin.com/
Hi Arrul, Thank you for your kind feedback. And, the fact that you are now aware that there is an alternative is the first step. Way to go!!
Wow, thanks!
Such a profound example & lesson. How many people actually take the time away from it being all about THEM to even notice a demeanor change?
Then…how many would not become defensive back because that person was interfering with THEIR schedule ¿?
I know a few like that & YOU are definitely one of them!!
You are a nice guy!! Finding the root problem brought some healing to her as well as favor to you. It may have paid it forward for the next seminar speaker too!!
Much appreciated!!
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Thank you, Jeannie
Geneva, thank you. I appreciate your points. It is a matter of finding out and understanding the principle “drama” that is taking place, knowing how to best respond and then applying it. It takes some practice but well worth it.
you sure did a better job there than I would have. That is why I need you so badly. Your good points are where I miss the ship.
Alice, like anything else, it comes from doing it over and over again. The good news is that just following the basics puts you nine steps ahead of the game…in a ten-step game. 🙂