People often ask if I was always a Winning Without Intimidation -type of guy. Unfortunately, I wasn’t, and certainly regret some of the ways I handled (or mishandled) situations that proved detrimental and/or hurtful to everyone involved. If I may, I’ll share one of those with you now, as I see similar incidents happen so often today. There’s a much better solution.
One day back in college, I was in a conversation with some friends and the name of a guy we’ll call “Dennis” was brought up. I mentioned that I thought very highly of him. One of the guys, obviously surprised, pointed out how strange that was, since Dennis truly disliked me, and often voiced that opinion. Another person quickly agreed with that assessment, which I later learned was correct.
Being heavily involved in school politics, it wasn’t totally surprising that someone would feel that way toward me, but this was different. Here’s a guy I respected, who I thought was a great guy, and now I’m being told that not only did he not feel the same way, but also was very vocal about it!
The next time I saw him, I really – let’s say – communicated my anger and disgust (even writing this now embarrasses me, and is actually painful to share). Did this change Dennis’ feelings about me? Of course not. It only gave him more justification to continue to feel the same way, if not more so. And I definitely came to think of him in a very negative light.
To this day, I don’t know what I did to have originally offended him. Maybe something. Maybe nothing. Sometimes people don’t like someone…just because they don’t. But that’s probably not so in this case. In those days, although generally a nice guy, I could be very outspoken and (ouch) even offensive.
When I look back on it now I once again think he was a good guy. And, based on what it was about him that I respected in the first place, I probably did do something – even indirectly – to have legitimately offended him.
But that’s beside the point. The question now is, “What would have been the best way to have handled the ‘Dennis Situation’ after originally finding out about his negative feelings toward me?” And how should we handle similar situations that might present themselves today?
We’ll look at that in the next article.
Meanwhile, your thoughts and suggestions?
<
Enjoy this post? Receive an update when our next post is published by entering your best email address below and clicking Get Updates.
I absolute concur with Randy’s assesment although I have to admit that I have and still sometimes do, fall into the easy way out trap: Attack!!!!! Not the right thing to do but hey….I happen to be human.
Bob, this is a very good question for effective leadership!
I was MS. Popular in high school. Being very high spirited & extremely opinionated, you knew exactly where I stood. I was transparent in every area & with every person of my life. I was then, & always have been, confrontational, not in a bad, “gonna bust your lid,” fight way. In fact…I was scared to death of fighting anyone other than my sister b/c girls are mean when they fight!! I like my hair in one place & ear lobes attached! LOL!
Upon hearing something that stirred or questioned emotions in me, I never feared talking to that person. I felt like this allowed the person an opportunity to vent or maybe we could resolve the conflict. I had no clue at that time about conflict resolution. I just knew…I wanted a clear conscious! I had high self esteem & confidence & this threatened a lot of people, but….they knew where I stood! Another selfish motive was to find out….why anyone in the world wouldn’t like me??
This is true especially if I feel I have hurt someone. Many times, those people have no clue I felt like I did anything to hurt them, but they immediately respected the fact that I cared enough to rectify the situation even if it was only in my mind!
This has been a huge factor being a mentor, servant leader to many. I have learned through amazing books (hint-hint) how to better vocalize that confrontation. The Japanese have a method they call “saving face”. You can communicate to a person, without putting them on the spot or blaming them for something they did, & still let them know a situation existed. It proves to be extremely effective.
If “Dennis” knew you the way we do….He would have respected you even then!
Thanks a million!
Covey’s advice, “seek first to understand” is always good in a situation like this. But like you I’m sure I would have jumped on him in my earlier days. Now I would genuinely tell him that he is someone I respect and that I’m being told by others that he is upset with me and I would like to know why.
Nothing beats the direct approach. This does scare threaten some people because they are used to gossip in the dark, but it’s the only way to really resolve anything.
-RG
Ultimately, As men tend to anger, women, or myself, specifically, tend to react personally to “rumors” of someone’s dislike/disfavor. Many times, I must step away from hurt in order to simply ask the person , “Have I done something to cause you to distrust me?” And yes, it does step out of the dark of the gossip cave where it is safe, but as Randy says “it’s the only way to really resolve anything.”
again, Bob great insight
ridgely
Being honest is my suggestion. Approach him and tell him your honest opinion about him, that you feel he is a great person and you respect him. Explain to him your discoveries and ask him if there was something you did to make him feel that way towards you. As RG stated: Seek 1st to understand.
As difficult as a moment like this is for anyone to confront, it is much less difficult than carrying that type of baggage around for any amount of time.
Joe
Hey everyone, loved your comments. Many of you nailed what will be included in Part Two, as I suspected you would. Please know how much your feedback and wisdom is appreciated!