Is there ever a need to verbally correct or critique? Well…actually, yes. The bigger question: is it possible to do so in such a way that not only will the person accept your correction, but truly embrace and utilize it?
Yes, so long as you keep the human ego in mind and realize the key is tact.
People often ask why others have such a difficult time accepting their constructive criticism. One reader asked:
“Whether I’m correcting my children or employees, I feel as though they always have a negative reaction to what I say. This disturbs me. When I correct, it’s only for their own good and to help them to become more effective. Is there something I’m missing here? Why are they so resistant to my helping them?”
Often, whether or not people buy into what we say depends less upon logic than it does on how their ego accepts what they hear.
And this is why they seem to resist your corrections, your critique, your help and your advice. Yes, even when it’s for their own good!
Wouldn’t you agree that, generally speaking, few people truly enjoy being corrected or criticized? I mean, I can’t think of the last time someone criticized me, and I responded by saying, “THANK YOU! THANK YOU for pointing out the error of my ways.” 🙂
Yet, in the real world, correcting and critiquing others is a part of life. Your kids didn’t clean their rooms, your employee overpaid on a negotiable product, your customer is not working with you productively, etc.
There is one concept above practically all else that makes the biggest difference in your ability to persuade others to your way of thinking and attain the results you desire. It is known by several different words: diplomacy, sensitivity, savior faire, and yes, “tact.”
“Tact is the language of strength.”
– Mike Burg, My Dad
Tact is the ability to say something or make a point in such a way that not only is the other person not offended; they are totally receptive. Learning what to say and how to say it will get results for you which will seem just like magic.
Whenever you must call someone’s attention to a particular way of acting, keep tact in mind. Tact will be the key to how they receive you and what you say, and whether they will ultimately take the action that will benefit all concerned.
How do we utilize tact? First, we consider what we are going to say…before we say it. We edit our speech, before we speak. We ask ourselves questions such as, “How will he or she ‘feel’ regarding what I’m about to say, and how I’m about to say it?”
For the next 21 days, take a pretend tape recorder with you and “play back” every conversation you have. Critique yourself; “Did I think before I spoke?”, “Was I considerate of their feelings?”, “Was I gentle in my manner?”, and “Was the expression on my face consistent with my words?”
Focus on this for the next 21 days. If you feel as though you don’t know the exact right words – no problem. Begin with the right intent; the words will usually take care of themselves. Not to mention, we’ll discuss many of the right words in future articles, as we have in many of the articles that are currently archived and which you can go through at your convenience.
Let’s check back in 21 days. Meanwhile, feel free to share your success stories with us.
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We could all benefit from reflecting on what we say and it’s effect on others when we critique someone. At minimum there should be a “5 second rule” from the time that the thought enters our mind before it leaves our lips! “A word once uttered can never be recalled.” ~Horace
Turning that laser-beam focus on ourselves for the 21-days you have recommended will be a wonderful excercise in awareness, which will hopefully translate into a continued way of thinking and being 🙂 “Self-Talk” will probably be the most challenging, since we tend to be our own harshest criics.
Bob this is very interesting and something we can all learn from. I find the ones we love the most are often the ones that we forget to pause and measure our tact. This is something that I am going to put into play with my closest relationships, those we tend to take liberties with. Thanks for passing this 21 day challenge along.
Bob,
I’m in! Looking forward to measuring my words, and tact, over the next 21 days. Sometimes my brain is faster than it should be. By slowing down and considering the impact of my words, I may be in a position to become a better communicator.
Thanks for offering the challenge!
Alex
I accept your challenge, Mr. Burg!
Diplomacy is key in handling others. Speaking to people in their language is paramount to getting the results that you want. Often though we can see that as giving in to them, and then the mental tug of war begins.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year is that when I’m annoyed at someone or feel the need to correct someone, typically it’s not because they’ve ‘done something wrong’ but they are not acting in a way *that I would like them to*. Let’s face it, if we criticize, we’re trying to get someone to behave according to our standards. And we can’t always have it that way.
If you are an employer or in a position where the correction boils down to a fact or a policy, then I think the typical good – bad – good wrapper works beautifully. And paying attention to how they receive messages is key to delivering yours in a ways that you know they will hear it.
These days when I get annoyed at someone, I try to stop and think, am I mad because they’ve truly wronged me, or mad because they aren’t acting the way I think they should? When I realize that it’s MY standards that I’m holding them to, most of my need to criticize or correct dissipates.
Here’s an example: my MIL asked me the other day ‘when I was going to eat my pie.’ I know her enough by now to know what she’s *really* saying is, “I want a slice of that pie, and when you break into it, I’ll break into it, too.” Initially, this made me livid. “Don’t manipulate me,” I thought. “Just ask for the pie!” And I wouldn’t share it because I felt manipulated into it. I felt that by giving her what she wanted, I was enabling manipulation and telling her it was okay to be shady about requesting things.
It was a week before I figured out – this IS her way of asking for a slice of pie. She doesn’t know any other way – isn’t comfortable asking straight out for that sort of thing. It’s not manipulation so much as it’s just her language. So now, instead of being annoyed and trying to tell her to just ask me straight up for something, I meet her halfway. “Are you saying you’d like a slice of pie?” “Yes, I am.” “You got it. Here you go.” And the world is a much happier place! 🙂
As far as the kids go, I’ve always found it useful to communicate the behavior or outcome you desire. For example, “Please chew with your mouth closed.” As opposed to “Stop smacking.”
The same should apply to business situations. Describe the desired outcome and resist the urge to criticize the methods of getting there or the undesirable collateral occurrences. It’s why the “visionary” is a much more pleasurable boss/client than the negative-naggy-perfection critic.
Thank you, everyone, for your great feedback. Very appreciated!
Alex: I think with *most* of us (myself especially), our brains are faster than they should be. Unfortunately, there are slower than our mouths. That’s what causes trouble. LOL
Tele: Yep, waiting a bit is always a great idea. It’s often the difference between “responding” and “reacting” (taught so well by Zig Ziglar).
Chuck: Thank you, and I agree. You might enjoy this brief article I wrote on that very thing. https://www.burg.com/2010/07/treat-them-how/
Michelle: Great lessons you shared, my friend.
Phil: Very cool!
I always love a good challenge, especially one which helps to make me a better person, and makes life less stressful for the people I interact with.
One of the companies I worked for included this subject as part or their training for everyone in a supervisory position. Not only did this training help in my professional life, it made a tremendous difference in my personal life.
The clock starts now for the 21 day refresher course …thanks for the reminder Bob 🙂
Hi Mike, thank you. That is very cool about the company you worked for; that they understood the power of this concept to the point that they made it part of their culture and training. Love hearing those kinds of things.
Hi Bob!
Excellent advice! We’ve featured this at Life As A Human …
http://lifeasahuman.com/2010/mind-spirit/inspirational/life-as-a-human-likes-5/
You’ll see a few of your friends there as well! Keep up the good works Bob. You make a difference!
Cheers,
Gil
Thank you, Gil. What a great honor to have the story featured in your excellent publication. Much appreciated!