In order to effectively persuade a person to your point of view, you must first be able to understand *their* point of view.
Key Point: That doesn’t mean you agree with it. But you understand it. And that’s where the process begins.
Only when you understand their position — to the point that you can actually explain it from their point of view — are you in a position to be able to gently and diplomatically work with the main ideas in a productive and persuasive manner.
Warning: This degree of understanding can be so difficult to accomplish because…well, we really don’t wanna’ do it. 🙂
However, the difference in your effectiveness and the eventual results you attain will be astonishing and absolutely worth the effort.
Why This Is So Important: Please know that this is not simply about debating for the sake of debate.
Rather, it might be a disagreement with a member of your leadership team regarding how to proceed on a certain project, a misunderstanding with your spouse regarding child-rearing, a customer who does not agree with your proposed solution, or a close friend you love but whose political views just seem so amazingly irrational to you that it’s affecting your relationship.
Remember: Not all issues need to be debated. There’s no rule that says you ever have to try to persuade anyone of anything.
IF you believe it’s important enough, however, working *first* to more fully understand their point of view will help you to debate and discuss much more successfully.
One More Thing: While these suggestions have helped me become a much more effective and persuasive communicator, they have also helped me to discover (much more often than I’d like to admit) that I didn’t know nearly as much as I thought I knew about a topic and was actually wrong. (Ouch!)
The paradox is that the less attached you are to being right (and the more open you are to the truth), the more often you’ll be right.
And because the other person will sense that you’re seeking the truth rather than simply trying to prove you’re right — or worse, to prove they’re wrong — the more open they’ll be…and the more persuasive you’ll find yourself to be.
Exercise: Think of an issue or philosophy that you absolutely oppose.
Now, dig deep. Ask yourself questions regarding why the other side might think the way they currently do. If appropriate, ask them questions that will help you discover why they think that way.
Let’s say it’s about politics. One powerful idea is to watch the TV station you “don’t agree with” ;-). Be careful as you watch or listen to not just reflexively disagree, but rather try and understand — to really “get” that side of the issue.
Okay, do you truly understand it? Can you actually make the argument from their viewpoint? (Again, you don’t have to agree with it to be able to do that. All you’re doing is understanding it.)
Now you are ready to politely engage the person with whom you disagree.
