A friend of mine wrote to me about a trait she has. Without mentioning the trait here, I’ll just tell you that it’s a trait counterproductive to her happiness and peace of mind (which she knows).
In her note, she concluded with: “I can’t help it.”
I responded with the following:
Actually, you CAN help it. Here’s how…
- Become aware that this is a problem.
- Truly desire to change it.
- Take the appropriate action to make it happen.
- Build on your small successes and take pleasure with each step forward.
What I hoped to communicate to her was that much of life is really just a decision. Of course, some things we can’t control. However, as the saying goes, we can control how we respond.
The above four steps is the difference between happiness/peace of mind and it’s opposite.
Note: Unless the appropriate, corrective action is intuitive, part of step three is often to seek out the information on how to do it. This might include reading a book on the topic. Or, perhaps, having a coach, mentor or friend for accountability and support. Not necessary in my friend’s case, but often is.
Have you found the above steps to be true? If so, how have you utilized them in your life in order to make the shift from negative to positive?
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Hi Bob,
Doesn’t this have to do with Gestalt psychology and how we perceive things? If we perceive things as a problem then they will be as we then make it so. But if we perceive them as not being a problem we just get on with life.
Michael
Michael: Indeed, how we perceive a “thing” has so much to do with it. The cool thing is that we can then also take the steps to make the necessary changes. Thank you, Michael!
Hi Bob!
Those steps are really wise to follow, for sure!
The key, for me, was in her last sentence: “I can’t help it”.
The interesting thing is how easy it is for us to (un)consciously say these things to ourselves with total emotional intensity. That mix of words + emotion + body are captured by our mind and a belief is formed. As we repeat this process our initial belief becomes stronger and it will either increase or decrease your ability to take action. By influencing the type and amount of action you’ll take, it will also influence the type and amount of results you’ll get.
And it doesn’t matter if the belief is true or not! It becomes a Self-fulfilling Prophecy!
Now, the first step is perhaps the toughest: “become aware that this is a problem”.
For me? It was biting my nails! You couldn’t believe how much damage I would inflict on my fingers in moments of great stress.
The hardest thing for me was to catch myself before I started doing it!!! Most of the times, I was biting my fingers without even remembering when I started!
But because of your step 2, I decided that I really wanted to change this!
The challenge was changing from an intellectual state where you *know* (in your mind) that this is a dis-empowering habit and move to a state where you both know and *feel* that there’s another way. Not just another way – a better more fulfilling way!
How did I developed a true desire to change this?
I first asked a great question to myself (thanks Anthony Robbins!): why is it a MUST for me to stop biting my nails?
Why this isn’t just something I know and feel that I should do? Why is a MUST? Answering this question gives you (as it did to me) a GREAT opportunity for you to create a compelling and worthwhile reason to follow through!
For me, this reason did it: “I MUST and I WILL master and conquer my self-limiting habits because I want to become the Leader of my own Life! This way I can also inspire others to do the same. But first I have to prove it myself!”
The second thing I did was to create a Vision, in my mind, of who I want to become. Someone who bites nails and fingers wasn’t on the list of traits!
This is important because now, for me biting my nails isn’t just something I don’t do. It just ins’t who I am!
Like when you stop being a smoker… If someone asked you – “do you want a cigar?”, would you ask “what brand is it?!” Or would you tell them: “sorry! I’m not a smoker. That’s not who I am!”.
The third thing I did was to attach an immediate and massive feeling of pain to my habit. For me, I experienced more pain by catching myself performing at a lower standard that I know I can be, than the physical pain of biting my nails.
The fourth thing was to be face to face to the core trigger of my habit. For me it was fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of what others would do. Fear of what I could do to others!
So as soon as I decided to be a person of courage, I decided to acknowledge my fears and say: “I’m more afraid of what my Life would look like if I don’t do this, than all of my fears combined!”.
It’s about honoring and embracing my power as a leader of my life!
The fifth thing is related to your last step: linking pleasure and a feeling of becoming stronger every time I conquered my dis-empowering habit!
Now, because this is a personal story, I also did one last thing: when I felt the trigger to start biting my nails, I prayed to God asking for his help in conquering this. I realized that I wasn’t using ALL strength if I didn’t summon ALL my power. Why should I ask for the help, like Ken Blanchard says, of the three consultant team? I have the Father who started it, the Son who lived it and the Holy Spirit that is the day-to-day operational manager! 🙂
So this is my story. Doesn’t mean that it’s right or wrong. It just reflects who I am and what worked for me. Hope it helps others too!
Bruno: Thank you. You continue to grow in wisdom, my young but brilliant friend. Thank you for sharing with us, both the how-to’s of overcoming a trait that wasn’t serving you, as well as the tie-in with your individual religious beliefs. It’s all part of who you are and, as a result, what you do!
Bob,
Some traits are almost like a ‘bad habit’. We want to get rid of them, but then we kind of like it that way and I feel we get into the routine of living with it rather than exploring ways to get rid of it.
Step 1 and 2 from your recommendation is the key. ‘Truly’ becoming aware that it is a problem, is the first step. However, ‘Truly’ wanting to get rid of that habit/trait is the key behind all other things. Sometimes, the desire to get rid of the habit is not strong enough and that is the main problem.
Thank you for sharing an incredible topic with simple yet powerful insights. You are awesome!
Regards,
Kumar
Kumar: Thank you, my friend. 100 percent, right on! And, I think the biggest thing with my friend has been the “routine and acceptance” of this being the way she’s supposed to be. Slowly but surely I see her changing. Very cool!
Good Morning Bob,
What’s cool is that your friend knows you deeply care and therefore I’m sure was very open to your input!
Sometimes we behave like the spider monkeys who are trapped and taken into captivity just because they are unwilling to let go of the peanuts…I’m sure you know the story. I’ve got a bowl of peanuts (still in the shell) on my desk that I’ve written certain negative habits/responses on to remind me to LET GO of the thoughts, attitudes, actions that do not bring peace, joy, and happiness to myself and others. Makes me laugh when I see it and is a great reminder to RELEASE what could potentially “trap” me. 🙂
Abundant Blessings,
Sarah
Sarah: Great wisdom, indeed. Thank you so much for sharing that!
As you know, Mr…Burg…these conversations are right up my alley. I would say most people struggle with this. It’s human nature to go to the “I can’t help it” when we are addicted to a behavior, substance, etc. And often Awareness + Effort does not equal change because of our conditioning/programming. The extent to which we’re not experiencing what we want is the extent to which we are resisting it. Thank you, as always, for giving me the opportunity to comment.
Susan: Great points. We certainly need to be sure we are not letting the *unconscious* (as you’ve explained, the 99 percent of the iceberg that is beneath the surface) conditioning and programming keep us from ridding ourselves of that behavior or trait. The work you do with Energy Psychology is extremely helpful in getting past that. {TapIntoYourLife.com)
Bob, I love reading your stuff. Before I tweet this post out, I wanted to comment. One of the things I’ve recognized that keeps people in that “I can’t help it” place is secondary gain. Secondary gain is the conscious or unconscious rewards of choosing to stay miserable and it keeps us stuck. There are four types of secondary gain I’ve seen in my decades working with addicts and in the ministry: reward one-suffering makes you interesting and always gives you something to talk about; reward two-talking about suffering gives you energy; reward three-suffering helps you avoid responsibility; and reward four-suffering brings attention. If we can help people see how they are benefiting from whatever behavior they are engaged in and show them how to receive that benefit in a healthy way that usually leads them to freedom; it’s a long process, though!
Curtis: Absolutely, there is generally a “payoff” of some type (conscious or unconscious, and I suggest it’s usually unconscious) that keeps a person stuck where they are. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with us!
Sometimes that unwanted trait is actually something that keeps people in a perceived safe and comfortable place too. If they remove it without becoming really aware of wanting to change it and without replacing it with a new habit/trait it can be like pulling a rug out from under their feet and leave a gaping space that is very uncomfortable.
Several of my client’s have had very negative “habits/traits” that they were aware of and said they wanted to change, when they first started working with me, but then continuously held onto very tightly to them because it was so comfortable to be in that uncomfortable place and living with that negative/counterproductive trait.(even though they said they wanted to stop/release whatever it was)
It was only when they realised that it was actually a safety net for them to hold onto it tightly and that if they created a new way of thinking and behaving they could release it and embrace the positive replacement trait for the one that had been holding them back for so long, that they were able to move forward.
Carol: Thank you, Carol. Yep, indeed the mind can be a strange player of tricks, at times, can’t it? Goes right back the the unconscious being such a driving force. And, of course, most of us aren’t even conscious of the fact that we are being driven by our unconscious. Thank you for joining the conversation!
Bob, I love your straightforward and honest advice to this person. She’s being self-defeating by mentally reinforcing the idea. This is another post to toss into the Personal Responsibility folder.
Joseph: Thank you. Greatly appreciate your kind feedback!
Hi Bob,
One of the hardest parts of breaking out any cycle is when you ask “why?”. Some of our reactions and triggers were there ‘pre-word’. We don’t know why we start to do something or why we stop doing something a lot of the time. We just get that feeling or grunt and that’s enough to change direction. I suffer a lot with procrastination. I get to a point when I get that feeling and then I’m pulled on course. Light a fire underneath me and I can deliver, but not without it. At the moment I am trying to write 4x 2000 word papers for a masters degree. How many words written so far? Zero.
That to me is very frustrating because I have nothing to reason against, just a feeling, no words, just silence. When the pressure is applied, a stronger feeling kicks the other one out of the boat and off we go.
Ross: You make some great points. Indeed, as Susan Somerset Webb (see her comments) teaches us, so much of it is unconscious; below the surface that we really don’t even know why. I’ve used her services to help me get past some blocks that were not happening on my own. The human mind is a fascinating things, isn’t it? I wish you the best of success in overcoming your procrastination. That is a natural inclination of mine, as well, and one I need to continue to work on and change. One thing I do find helps is to commit to writing just a little bit; for example, for five minutes. What often happens is that at the end of the five minutes I’ll continue on. Sometimes, the flow will hit and I’m on a roll. Other times, it’s just that five. But, if you’ll do that, I think you’ll see that, indeed, you can “eat the elephant one bite at a time.” Commit to just five minutes right now!
Procrastination?! Oh yes…my favorite topic! It is the subconscious maintaining the status quo. Pretty simple when you understand how we operate…5% conscious/95% subconscious.
Ms. Somerset-Webb,
#1-I just tweeted out part of your first comment (I even gave you credit for it!). #2-I dig the way you think and would like to know more; you’re speaking my language! Have a blog, website, etc.?
Ross, I feel your pain brother. Took me a long time to get free of procrastination, and that joker still rears his head up from time to time. I want to encourage you that you can get past it; i did and there’s no way you’re as bad as I was.
Bob Burg, see this is what I’m talking about in that last tweet I sent you. Life change, man. Have you considered expanding your market outside of business seminars, etc. into churches and the like? You’d be crazy good at it.
Curtis: Thank you for your above comments. First, yes, Susan’s website is http://www.TapIntoYourLife.com. She also has an excellent book on the topic.
Thank you for your very kind compliment. I appreciate that very much. While my focus in on a business audience, I’m often asked by many non-business organizations to speak, as well, and always honored to be asked. Thank you again, my friend. I appreciate you!
Thank you Bob and Curtis for your lovely comments. Always fun to talk about conscious, subconscious, fear, change, procrastination…all that ‘stuff’ 🙂
Laughing about friends like us 😉
I talk clients…and friends…through a similar process of Awareness – Intention – Attention – Action.
Really like your step of building on small successes and take pleasure with each step forward. When we focus on and celebrate what is going right, we release energy to change behavior.
Well said, Bob. Thanks for this post!
WOW – What a GREAT article!!!!!!!!!!!! I had just been thinking of the same thing – Sometimes it seams like you are going backwords because you cause SO MUCH to happen in your mind when you start to change. And YES it seams like you can’t help it because what you experience when you start scratching in the surface is “THE RIOT OF THE SUBCONCIOUS MIND” – and exactly there your just have to HOLD ON TO SOMEONE SOMETHING – BE STRONG and continue!!!!!!!!
I often experience this as I’m working with myself on limiting believes/thoughts – and I tell you THAT*S TOUGH WORK – but it’s worth it 🙂
Lots of hugs from Denmark
Lene: You nailed it. Great points. And, I agree, it IS tough work, and it IS worth it!
Dr. Mollie: Thank you. I love what you said about “releasing energy to change behavior” when we celebrate on the success! Thank you for sharing!