Years ago, at a National Speakers Association conference, I was in the audience while Mark Sanborn, CSP, CPAE, author of bestselling business classics including The Fred Factor, and You Don’t Need A TITLE To Be A Leader, was presenting. He related the time that a man seated next to him on a recent flight asked him his profession. Mark replied that he’s a speaker.
The man suddenly exclaimed, “Oh, motivational speaking doesn’t work!” (Note: very few speakers, with rare exception, refer to themselves/ourselves as “motivational speakers.” That’s a title/description we’ve been given by the general public — sort of like the late Chris Farley’s hysterical portrayal on Saturday Night Live. 🙂
Instead of answering defensively, Mark just smiled. Over the next couple of minutes, the neighbor, while at first continuing his thoughts, started relating times when something a speaker said had, in fact, got him thinking or made a difference; or where a book or audio had inspired him. Finally, he came to his own conclusion that “motivational speaking” does have its positive place in his world.
In my opinion, what persuaded this man to adjust his way of thinking was not the facts…but Mark himself. Had Mark reacted to his statement, argued with him and recited examples and stories regarding lives he’s touched (and Mark could…he’s that good!) the man would, most likely, never have listened for even a second.
Instead, Mark responded with silence, kindness and a sincere, non-judgmental smile. This allowed his neighbor to dig himself out of the hole he’d dug with his reactive statement, and eventually come to a conclusion that resulted in a smooth ride and pleasant conversation.
So, when a similar situation happened with me, I was prepared. Reading a book while sitting alone at a restaurant eating dinner (one of my favorite activities), the waiter eyed the book closely and said, “Oh, is that one of those ‘motivational-type’ books? I don’t believe in those.”
With silence, I simply smiled in acknowledgment. Well, five minutes later he was back and, this time he asked me a question about the book. After briefly explaining what it was about, we discussed the benefits of reading all types of books. I told him I admired his “open-mindedness” and, of course, he was more than happy to agree with my assessment of him.
A person whose mind was already made up was now more open to other possibilities. And not because of anything I said. It was more, as Mark did, just being momentarily silent and smiling non-judgmentally. This allowed him to work his way out of his own ordeal.
Next time you find yourself in a situation where someone expresses an opinion based more on preconceived notions than on logic, remember: Sometimes silence and a smile is the most persuasive thing you can ever do.
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So simple, yet so often (at least by me!) forgotten or overlooked. Be still, be silent, smile 😀 Works like a charm as long as I remember it. Thanks for this reminder, Bob
Linda: And remembering it is always the difficult part, isn’t it? I hear ya’, my friend! 🙂
Haha! Never mind how RUDE it is for people to blurt out things like that! Engage brain before putting mouth in gear! Years ago we had friends over for dinner, and showed them my husband’s latest painting. It was lovely. But our friends’ twenty-something son said disdainfully, “I don’t like representational art.” My husband did exactly what you advise – he just smiled. It just shows we mustn’t take things personally. I saw this on the back of a business card: QTIP – Quit Taking It Personally.
Great post, Bob!
Would you rather be “right” -or- be kind? Thanks for sharing Bob.
That has got me thinking about my own preconceptions about matters and remembering to be more open minded and less opinionated. What I’m saying is… in reverse maybe my opinion is the truth and blabbing on about won’t help anyone. Simply engaging in conversation and interviewing people with an open mind could help all parties learn something new.
Besides…
“You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him discover it within himself.” (Galileo Galilei)
Steve: Very well said, my friend. Right on. All sorts of things for us to consider; including when we ourselves think and/or communicate ideas that are based on our own unconsciously-held belief systems. I know that’s something I continually do battle with on a personal level.
What a great education in this post. For both the person who learns to keep silent and the person who is willing to come back and be open about changing, a possibly, ill informed comment. Thank you Bob!
Thank you Bob. It reminds me of a saying that I “think” I heard from Zig Ziglar (maybe you can help remind me who said it).
“Nothing is more annoying than for someone to keep right on talking while I’m trying to interrupt.”
I catch myself trying to disrespectfully interrupt others and it is mostly because I’m opinionated about a belief (or their belief). If I know consciously that something is true I don’t need to defend it or say anything about it unless I’m asked. Then I would not be interrupting them because they asked hopefully with an open mind. And I could merely share thoughts and ask questions instead of spewing what I believe all over them.
Thanks again.
Christie: My pleasure. Thank YOU. And, yes, absolutely. Great point!
Steve: That sounds exactly like something brilliant and funny that the awesome Zig Ziglar would have said. I can even hear his great southern accent saying it. :-). On a serious note, yes, interrupting can be a real challenge. I did a three-part post on this topic beginning with https://www.burg.com/2010/12/dealing-with-an-interrupter/ and Part Three dealt with when *we* are the interrupter. This used to be a huge habit of mine which I was eventually able to correct. I hope you enjoy the posts. The cool thing is that being aware of the issue puts you on the path to overcoming it.
Wow!!! Absolutely incredible timing, Bob for this awesome post! Just a couple of days ago I was talking to a good friend and I was a similar situation where his opinion was exactly 180 degree opposite from that of mine.
Obviously, I didn’t follow these steps ( I now I am prepared to practice this next time it happens) and I tried to explain the logical explanation of why things are the way they are and we ended up in disagreements even after 20 minutes of discussion.
I can go back in time and visualize what would have happened if I just did what you shared in this post. But it’s never too late to learn and practice good things in life. Better luck next time to me 🙂
Regards,
Kumar
Dear Bob,
Thank you for sharing this ‘Encore Effect’ performance by Mr. Mark Sanborn. How I wish we could also learn from his nuanced, persuasive skills and yours too!
Regards,
Geetha
Kumar: Thank you for your always wise insights. And, hey, sometimes it’s appropriate to make your point and after you’ve initially responded with silence and a smile. Depends on the situation and context. Like anything else; a time and place for most everything. The cool thing is that – next time – you’ll be prepared for it and try a different way of doing this. As I mentioned earlier, it’s something I personally have to continually work on staying conscious of. Thanks again!
Geetha: My pleasure. Thank you. He “Encore Effect” was a terrific books, wasn’t it? And, yes, he seets a great example for us!
Come on, man, grab your sword and get back in the battle. LIFE IS WAR…!
Sam: As Sun Tzu taught us in his classic, “The Art of War” … “To win without fighting is best.”
Both your’s and Mark’s experience, are excellent examples for, “People can’t hear, until they feel they have been heard.”
Amy: What a great and fantastic point you make. Thank you for the excellent insight!
Heather: Very true. It is rude. And, people are…people, aren’t they? I think one reason they are put in front of us is to help us grow. LOL Sounds like your husband is both talented and wise. Thank you for your thoughts, Heather!
As a homeopath, I’m frequently confronted with, ‘That doesn’t work.’ It’s my passion so it’s hard to zip it! But I agree totally, best just to be silent and smile! Works for me.
Helena: Often best, and, again, a time and place for most everything. Often, that silence and a smile is just what’s needed to bring the other person to being more open. Thanks for your note!
This is a great post and very timely. I would love for this behavior to be used during this presidential campaign season. 🙂
Enjoy reading your posts.
Elizabeth: You can say that again. Where is the inspirational leadership?
Elizabeth: Thank you for your feedback. And, yes, that would be nice during the campaign season, wouldn’t it? Both with voters and candidates! 🙂
I always tell people in my art of communication- what are you saying course…
Sometimes you just have to know when to SHUT UP… LOL… there is a place and time where SILENCE truly is Golden… Love it… and Yup Mark is a great speaker as You … thanks again for another great post.
Carly: Thank YOU!
I always say you can’t convince someone that they are wrong. You’ll only waste your time and become frustrated. Instead, letting the person “dig” themselves out of the hole is in the end the best way to handle difficult people. There’s something “classy” about this type of response.
Suzanne: I agree with everything you said. Thank you for sharing with us!