As the light turned green, a car heading in my direction caused me to wait before making my left turn. Suddenly, before he reached me, he turned left and was on his way. Never signaled. Had he done so, as would have been appropriate, I could have taken my left a bit quicker.
No big deal. So, why do I bring this up?
Because, I caught myself thinking the worst of him. “Why didn’t he signal!?” “What an inconsiderate jerk!?” “Rude!” “Did he do that just to tick me off or was he just so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t care to signal!?”
Then, I caught myself. I realized I was assuming the worst without knowing anything for sure.
How could I possibly know that his non-signal had anything whatsoever to do with any mal-intent? And, who does it serve to assume it did? Certainly, not I. As for him, if it was, he didn’t care. And, if it wasn’t, he wouldn’t know it bothered me anyway.
The point: Why not judge favorably? Most people, at least most of the time, are pretty decent and don’t mean any harm. Not to mention it’s healthier for us to think the best of others.
It’s also more practical!
I mean, think about it. The other driver could have been thoughtless or inconsiderate.
Or…
He could have been in deep thought about a family challenge.
He could have been on the way to the hospital (which is around the corner) and thinking about the sick relative he was on the way to visit.
He’s about to be foreclosed upon and was in deep thought about his options.
He was on the phone and couldn’t reach his turn signal.
Or a huge variety of additional reasons.
Most of these possible reasons are in no way justifiable excuses for not signaling. However, any of them would certainly depersonalize what he did as well as show that it was due to human error rather than any type of negative intent.
Have you ever misjudged someone’s intent and later found out you were wrong? Has someone ever done that to you?
And, even if we really never do find out what the person’s intent truly was, why not just judge favorably? It hurts no one, helps everyone, and simply makes a lot more sense.
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Such a great point you make, Bob ~assume the best, instead of the worst about someone. Goes along with what a mentor told me years ago:
When dealing with a difficult person remember these 2 things:
1. You don’t know the whole story, which is exactly what you mentioned above. We have no way of knowing why someone might do what we judge as jerky or rude. And
2. They’re doing the best they can. When I consider that even the jerkiest, rudest person’s behavior might be “their best”, I can’t help but feel compassion for them and my energy and attitude shift pretty quickly.
For me, the trick is to remind myself of this when I might be inclined to judge. Great post, as always! 🙂
Ohhhhh I can relate to this blog from BOTH sidess of this scenario. I am the “thoughtless rude” driver, and my husband is the guy who judges, and condems “thoughtless rude” drivers without knowing the whole story and then I am ticked off at him.
I don’t mean to be thoughtless and rude when I am driving, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour when I am in the car by myself, and the next thing I know, I cut someone off, I didn’t turn fast enough, or I sat through a green light or most of one….now that I think about it, I really shouldn’t be driving. So when that happens to me I don’t judge, I get it, but nothing ticks me off more when my husband is driving, and he acts like that “thoughtless rude” drive is an idiot. We have had this conversation about 1000 times on why he judges them as idiots, because I’m not an idiot, and I do the same thing.
Note to self: Get driving lessons and marriage counseling. 🙂
Thanks, Bob for the reminder today, on judging.
And bring so much peace to ourselves. Love it Bob, I will work on this attitude!!
Gracias. Ub beso.
Maria (Pili) ;))
Bob,
Great post! The answer-we should. However, it isn’t our typical response, so posts like this are valuable for reminding us of what we don’t know, and how assumptions are often wrong. Thanks for taking the time to share what could easily be missed.
Where is the LIKE button for this. Great post Bob. Thanks for sharing!
Maria: Gracias, mi querida! I suspect that is an attitude you already have!
Steve: I appreciate that a lot. I find it’s something I have to continually stay conscious of. Working at making it more natural. As you can see though, not there yet. 🙂
Helen: Thank you so much for sharing your very kind feedback!
Great post Bob!
I struggled with this SO much! I used to be a super toxic thinker of others…which was one of the biggest reasons my life was stuck! After doing much work I came across the same concept you’re presenting here. These are the the things that really stuck out for me:
Does this thought/feeling serve me? What energy or emotional reaction does this thought/feeling envelop me in? Does it feel good/bad? If the thought/feeling doesn’t serve me, AND it feels bad, I know that regardless of what the other person’s intent was (whether noble, selfish or nasty) I am the only one who is going to be suffering from the effects of my thought/feeling about that individual’s actions. And most importantly, I ALWAYS have the choice of how I choose to respond/react to the situation – if a thought/feeling/reaction feels bad, why on earth would I choose to engage in it? If you choose to take the responsibility of having a choice and not being an angry/annoyed victim, you get the option of choosing a thought/feeling that feels good, empowers you, and possibly most importantly, keeps you in a positive flow (and positive expectation!) with other people and the universe. The worst thing we could ever do is to allow our healthy/positive mind-set, and what that creates for us, to be randomly affected by the actions of others. We gotta guard that sucker with our life! 🙂
Thanks as always for all the good stuff Bob!
-Sean
Linda, those are great additions to the conversation! Especially (for me) number two. This shift for me occurred when I fully GOT that everyone is always doing the best they can in that moment, with the skills and experiences they have. So now when someone engages in nasty, selfish, pushy or rude behavior/choices, I honestly feel for them…I can imagine what it must feel like to be enveloped in that energy, and I work hard to send them love and understanding.
I know I sure feel an awful lot better (in a profound way) when I choose this higher response, rather than my old, lower judgement reaction.
Thanks for the great reminder to stay on my A game Linda!
-Sean
Linda: Absolutely. That’s terrific. Thank you for sharing that!
Sean: Same as above. WOW. Thank you both for sharing with us. Sean, when I read what you said about how you were a “super toxic thinker of others” it really hit home. I lived my life like that for about my first 35 years. Few people knew that but I certainly did. Life got better when I began to understand how counterproductive that was for me in every single area of my life and decided to change.
Bob 🙂
Hi Bob,
So true. How easy to use a judgement as a trigger to remind yourself to turn a negative into a positive with just one stroke of kindness.
Lori
Lori: Thank you for your very kind feedback. Appreciate ya’!
Bob,
Here’s how I learned this lesson: For a while in my life, a long time ago, I was very unhappy and grumpy. And so I was very impatient and sometimes not nice to other people. ZERO of it had anything at all to do with them.
So now I deeply understand how the vast majority of what people do is about them and not me. These days, I rarely take anything personally.
And if I slip up, I keep in mind these two quotes:
“Cut people some slack.” One of Gretchen Rubin’s Rules of Adulthood
and
“People do things THAT annoy you, not TO annoy you.”
My apologies, I can’t remember the source.
Thank you again for reminding us of one of the most important qualities we want to have.
Beth
Beth: Great points all around. And thank you for sharing that from your unique perspective, as well!
Ahhh, Jean: so many layers of wisdom within your comments. Thank you so much. I’m sure I’m that “rude driver” at times, as well. I can only imagine what they’re thinking of me IF they’re judging me. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this unique perception with us, Bob!
It certainly helped to reinforce the learning in ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ where Dr. Stephen R. Covey had written about the mini-paradigm shift experienced by him one Sunday morning on a subway in New York.
Geetha: Thank you! And, yes, that story by Dr. Covey was one of the great examples of a paradigm shift wasn’t it; knowing that we really don’t know what is going through the mind of a fellow human.
I am the person who judges the rude thoughtless driver because if you cannot use your appropriate driving courtesy then you should not be driving. You`re clearly not thinking of your driving but a milion other things so should you really be out there with all the other innocent drivers when your head is not in the game??? I think not! I think a turn signal is one of the least used things in a car. It is all about being courteous to other drivers by letting them know what you are doing. I say people that don`t use them are so wrapped up in themselves that they don`t care if the other person knows what they are doing. I understand we all have many other things going on in our lives but if you can`t show a little common courtesy to oher drivers then maybe you shouldn`t be on the road…just sayin!!!!!
Hi Linda: While I don’t disagree with you in terms of the importance of a driver paying attention, the intent of the post was really more of a look at how we might either take things personally or ascribe malevolent motivations to people that simply aren’t true. And, that there is great benefit (to ourselves!) in not doing so but rather in judging another’s intentions favorably. The example of the driver was used only because it so recently happened, but the principle could really pertain to practically anything. Thank you for joining the conversation.
Great post Bob! A good friend of mine says that assumption is the lowest form of knowledge. I had a situation a couple of years ago with a major account that I was calling on. I knew they were about ready to go out for RFP and I needed to get a meeting with the contact person in order for our company to respond. I couldn’t get her to respond and so I just assumed that she was not favorably impressed with our company.
About a year and a half later I finally connected with her and we had lunch. During lunch she referenced her husband had passed away a year and a half earlier. A major lesson about not forming negative assumptions in relationships.
Take care.
Jonathan
Jonathan: Thank you for sharing that. A difficult way to learn a valuable lesson, indeed. Again, much like the famous Covey story on the train from “7 Habits.” We simply don’t know what is going on in the mind of another. Thank you again!
Dear Bob,
A very interesting episode, which reminds me of and reinforces one of the biggest learning, that is the hardest to practice “Be non-value judgmental”. We most often judge people and situations from our shoes (based on our preconceived notions, values, beliefs et al). If only we attempt to desist from doing so!!
Apoorva: Yes, we do judge from our shoes (what I call our “Belief Systems” and what Don Miguel Ruiz calls “Agreements” in his terrific book, “The Four Agreements”). And, understand and staying conscious of this very human tendency is the beginning to overcoming it or at least improving ourselves in this regard. Thank you for sharing with us!
Another good one, Bob. I have done the same thing, many times. Wow.
Hope you are doing well. This reminded me of a great quote which helps me a lot. (When I remember it)
“To be happy, ALL I have to do is give up my judgements”
Thats all I have to do ? Ha.
Easier said, than done my friend. Thanks for the reminder.
Al
Al: Thank you. Yep, like practically all good things, easier said than done. Hey, enjoyed your blog post today a lot, and saw that it got some good play. Way to go!