Emotional “posture” is that great “state” where, while you might prefer a certain result, you are not “emotionally attached” to it. You care…but not that much. Sure, you’d prefer your desired result to take place and — if it does — that’s terrific! However, your personal happiness, joy and peace of mind is in no way dependent upon it.
What’s awesome is that — when this is the case — not only are you less bothered when you don’t get what you want…the chances are better that you will get what you want. No, not due to some far out, mystical or magical reasons, but for very practical reasons.
Without the “attachment” you are able to focus more clearly on your goal without the distraction of fear getting in the way (attachment is always accompanied by fear). Others, seeing your calm and confident manner, are more attracted to you and to your desired outcome, as well.
This takes practice. Saying, “don’t be attached, don’t be attached, don’t be attached” doesn’t do it. What does is constant, consistent and thoughtful practice. It’s an understanding that all that happens is for the good. It’s understanding that, if for some reason, a desire is not fulfilled, then it wasn’t supposed to be. And, most likely because something even better is on the way.
Important: Please don’t misinterpret this to mean that you should be lackadaisical in your efforts or not give your best because, “if it’s supposed to be — it will just happen.” Uh-uh, that’s magical thinking. You do your very best, with all the effort you can muster. Then, regardless of the result, you have peace. Either because your desire was realized or, even if it wasn’t, you know you did your very best. And, something even better is coming.
How are you doing in the “emotional posture” department? Have you found a good way to help develop this state of mind that I might have missed?
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This is such a great topic Bob and one that I often wonder about. Frequently, I hear from people who decided to “let go” of their attachment to their goal and BAM, it shows up! There’s seems to be (at least in MY mind) such a fine line between giving up and letting go. Although they are, in some ways, completely different and perhaps unrelated, I get confused in understanding the difference and even wonder if there is a difference.
Really looking forward to understanding as I follow the comments and your thoughts on this today. Just what I need right now~ thanks Bob!
As a long time fan of your posts, I find each and every one to be very thoughtful and very thought provoking. But, this posts ranks in Top 10 in terms of importance.
Learning to go after our dreams full bore, while still being at peace with whatever the results of our efforts is soooooo important.
Thanks for serving up this important message.
Dave, thank YOU! Your second paragraph said it all, and with a lot less words than I took. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us!
Bob,
I agree with Dave, this is way up there for me too.
The point you and Dave make, is key to success AND happiness. My personal happiness is based in the very effort I put forth. Any other way, would make ‘them’ (the ones I serve) responsible for my happiness. (And that ain’t gonna happen) When they walk out of my door, I can usually say, “Well done Amy.” When they call back to purchase, I do a cartwheel. 🙂
Oh my gosh! Bob I have been searching the Internet for a practical explanation to passionate detachment! This post has provided me with an instant and powerful shift. Thank you for sharing!
WOW, Maureen. Thank you!!!!!
Wow, Linda, I love what you said regarding “the fine line between giving up and letting go.” While, yes, they are far from the same, there is some similar energy involved. Or, is there? I’d love to know what others think about that, as well. Thank you for an excellent discussion point!
Thank you, Amy. Great point in that you are taking responsibility for your happiness and determining how you value it (through your efforts) rather than making someone else responsible for it. And, knowing you as I do, I’ll bet you do a lot of cartwheels!
Bob this sounds so much like Andrea Waltz @GorForNo, we discuss this on Breakthrough Business Strategies in our series on Breakthrough Sales. How funny is it when our brains find the consistent message when we are looking for establishing those breakthrough moments in our businesses?
Part of me wonders how much of that “posture” or “letting go” has to do with having “faith” it will happen? No faith, then you hold on to your affirmations to keep you strong.
Hi Michele, I love Andrea and Richard. Their “Go For No” work (www.GoForNo.com) is an excellent embodiment of this principle for salespeople. They even take it a step further in that – rather than just be unattached to a “yes” and accept a “no”…they suggest that salespeople “embrace” the “no’s” with the understanding that every “no” gets you closer to a “yes.” I recommend their work constantly. And, I agree with you that having faith that it will happen (or, that what is supposed to happen will happen) is key to having that posture. Thank you for sharing with us!
I absolutely love this Bob! This is so very true. I have been able to create a positive spin on everything that I don’t feel goes my way. That is probably the most important street sign no the road to success. I can’t imagine how negative my thoughts would be if I harbored ill feelings because something did not turn out the way that I expected.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you, Alisa. Sounds as though you’ve also done a terrific job of mastering the art of “Reframing” as well as “Emotional Posture.” Awesome. And, thank you for sharing with us!
I send this out with great intentions and no expectations. Bob you touch so many with your intentions and really have no expectations, that is the sign of a great man. For to give for the sake of giving gives us the greatest most beautiful fruits. Peace Love Joy Happiness to you my friend.
Thank you, Lori. You’re very kind. I think you give me too much credit though. I have many expectations (why wouldn’t I expect to obtain what I desire?). I just make it a point not to be “attached” to them. 😉
Linda and Bob, there is a remarkable difference between “giving up and letting go,” that can be felt at a core level.
Coming from a girl, who on March 28, 2012, found, stuck in my subconscious, the day I “gave up.” I can tell you, the energy is NOT the same. For me, “Giving up” came from a place of hopelessness and fear, while “letting go” comes from a place of security and love.
After this shift, I’ve found myself enthusiastic about doing the work towards my future. Whereas before, I did a little, put it off a little, did a little, put it off a little. Deep down I knew I would give up, so I was assuring my failure. NO MO’ THO. (that means no more)
Awesome, Amy. Yes, two different “things” and two different results!! Thank you, MY friend! 🙂
I love this post and it simply made my day!
I read an article (in Spanish) last year about the difference between letting go and giving up and because of Linda’s comment I went back to it and read it again; Soltar no es abandonar (letting go is not giving up) and I agree with Linda, even there is a fine line, they are not the same. I have seen the difference when liberating, but not ignoring or forgetting. Acting without attachement, not to imposed, with confidence in what we have and doing our best, so if I didn get the result I wanted at least remain the good feeling that I did my best without forcing.
I think if we act without attachement in whatever it is that we want or desire to get we will always be successful whatever the result is, so that emotional posture is a very important point.
Abrazos!
Brilliant, Maria! That was terrific teaching. Great wisdom. Thank you so much (muchas gracias!!) for sharing with us!!
WOW! Awesome post today, Bob! I always talk about this! A late mentor of mines, always use to say, “You know when you master life is when you learn to treat both victory and defeat the same because they are both apart of life.”
So many need hear this message, if they are in place to receive it is another!
Blessings!
Mikhail, thank you very much. So glad you enjoyed the post. And, sounds like you had a very, very wise mentor. Thank you for sharing with us!
This makes me think of your advice on how to ask for help on something difficult (or that you waited until the last minute to do!):
“I completely understand if you can’t help me with this, just tell me no and there’s no problem, it’s okay. Could you possibly …”
Right? Same idea? You really need or want their help, but there’s no emotional baggage on them… I feel like the emotional stance is very similar.
Hi Beth: “If you can’t do it, I’ll definitely understand………if you could, I’d certainly appreciate it.” You got it, my friend. Set up with patience and kindness, and asked with emotional posture/non-attachment, it works almost every time! 🙂
Wow, am I learning a LOT today from your awesome readers Bob. What I’m thinking, based on what Amy said about when she “gave up” is that when we give up, we also let go, AND we can let go, without giving up. And Pili’s point about “acting without attachment” reiterates the message of this post on emotional posture. And reminds me of one of my absolute favorite truths…It’s ALL good (even when it doesn’t appear to be). When I remind myself of that, it nudges me to look for the good. And when I look for the good, guess what?! I can find it 🙂
With maturity and experience from getting what you want and sometimes not getting what you want, you discover that the joy is more in the journey than the destination. Believe me, I am committed to my goals, I visualize them constantly AND I know that when they don’t materialize exactly the way I had originally envisioned, I always manifest something much greater. The key is to have a beautiful burning desire but not cling to the outcome so tight that you can’t embrace the many other ways that greater dreams can come to you. I never talk about attachment. I embrace the flow of life and I’m flexible enough to accept that there are many different roads that lead to greater joy and fulfillment. Historically, the unpredictable, unexpected surprises I got while en route to my goals were waaay greater than anything I had originally envisioned when I first set the goal. The goal started me in the right direction and I simply stayed connected to my bliss. Just keep building upon each experience while you develop your potential in life. You will find so much meaning, it will all make sense.
Live Your Dreams,
Jill Koenig
Author, Goals Coach
Jill, thank you for sharing. Terrific wisdom and a wonderful way to approach…everything! 🙂
It makes me think of the preface to a wonderful book by a friend of ours… Remember the river creatures in Illusions? And the one who decided to let go and trust the river? When we release our attachment (the other creatures were clinging to the river bottom) and trust the flow (which doesn’t mean do NOTHING, in fact, you’ll get there even faster if you let go, trust the flow, and swim like…) we rise above the obstacles and gain momentum. All our energy can go toward progress rather than creating the illusion of safety. It SEEMS magical (remember the colony of creatures who, seeing him “flying” above them cried out “a creature like us, yet he FLIES”) and it IS magical – it’s a magic we ALL have within us that we cannot invoke while clinging to the river bottom.
Exactly Dixie! 🙂
Great point, Bob. The stress we subject ourselves to through anxiety over achieving…. or failing to achieve…can be destructive. Pressuring ourselves to “stretch” or “go the extra mile” are well worn cliche’s that many “coaches” swear by. What many of them fail to take into account is that there is an optimal amount of pressure that can facilitate growth and achievement. When the optimum is exceeded, people push themselves into panic – where they actually become disfunctional. Dan Pink conveys it well in his classic TED talk http://youtu.be/rrkrvAUbU9Y
Hi Linda, great points. Love what you said about it being “all good” even when it doesn’t appear to be. In our limited human perspective, we simply cannot know for sure. When something doesn’t turn out as I’d like at the moment, I try and remember the Hebrew saying, “Gum zu le tova” which means, “all that happens is for the good.” I used the word “try” above, rather than “do or do not” because, I don’t always remember it. 😉
Wow, Dixie, beautifully, beautifully said. It’s as though you know the author!
Hi Bob. Actually, I fully agree with you. The distinction I tried to make may be splitting hairs, but I think it’s an important one.
Maybe I’ll restate my thoughts.
Attachment results in stress.
But, what is the object of attachment? Results, of course.
If we detach the focus of our actions from results, and focus rather on actions that we consider right for the job, and do our best at that… then we are detached from the result, over which we usually have little or no control – due to extraneous circumstances.
All we have control over is what we do.
That is the only thing we can hold ourselves responsible for.
So, if we do our best, which we usually do, attachment can be avoided. It’s just a question of focus.
Forget the result, and do the thing….w2hich is basically what you wrote, to begin with…;-))
This is indeed wise advice. It is far too easy to set a goal (specific and time boxed) and then treat every step as if it must happen exactly like planned according to a schedule.
Most times the best laid plans get off track, often right after you finish making them.
Not every step is mandatory and most are not. What matters is not the exact path, there may be many, but that you keep working on it. If one thing does not work you can try another. You can even adjust your goal in many cases.
Like you said, another path will open. Enjoy the journey and keep learning and growing, that is the real goal.
Bob, you always seem to pick topics that I need to be reminded about. Excellent and thanks.
Hey Doug, thank you. So glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you for sharing with us!
Hi Jack, actually, I’m all for stretching and going the extra mile. I don’t think that not doing so is what I’m trying to convey in the article as much as a lack of attachment to the results after doing your very best. Though, sure, as you say, when it’s not the optimal amount or has diminishing returns, that’s another story. And, putting oneself in panic and becoming dysfunctional is very much a sign OF attachment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Always great to hear from you!
I LOVE it, Jack! Thank you for the clarification!
Bob, not only do I know the author, I also know that the author thinks highly of The Go-Giver. He said so, and not just to me. http://richardbach.com/famous-quotes-i-didnt-write/#comments.
O-M-G 🙂 Not only has the post caused me to think, but the amazing contributions posted have as well. So much of how I am posturing depends on my mood at the time and my confidence level in what I am doing. I am getting better at limiting those 2 factors, but still practicing. Good question Linda about when is it letting go and when is it quitting. I have never really figured out how I know which is which. I think for me if I feel like I am stopping out of frustration, I am quitting. If I feel like I am going down the wrong path, or I found a better way to get to my goal, I am letting go. Thank you for making us think Bob! You da Bob-m (get it?? :))
Dixie: I’ll never forget when I first saw that. It remains one of the highlights of my life! You KNOW that one got printed out and put into the family scrapbook!
Christie: I got it. And, you remain one of the funniest AND most insightful people I know! (Did I also mentions, sweet, kind, etc.?)
*Fired up about your new book for real estate salespeople that’s just been released. This will both save careers and help them to thrive, as well. This is the new book that will make its way through the world of real estate http://www.realestateagentcemetery.com/
LOL 🙂 Thank you!
I appreciate that! I am excited about it as well 🙂 I really want agents to be able to relate to the challenges we all face and know they can be super successful if they just do a few simple things.
Powerful. Thank you for sharing Bob! I’m passing it on!
Awesome, Michele. Thank you VERY much!
Excellent post & comments. I’ve often wondered if my “Non-Drama Queen” existence is because of emotional non-commitment, yet after reading this I am released to continue the behavior pattern. Yay!!!
Beginning with the end in mind & not getting caught up in the urgent-vs-important defined why showing anxiety or fretting over situations aren’t a part of my nature. Of course it wasn’t until I read a ton of books that I even realized these terms. In past posts I explained how my many years of critical care nursing requiring split second decisions which caused me to focus on the solution instead of the immediate problem at hand. That practice/ judgement carried over toward people & their situations often times making me feel “un-merciful,” but results proved beneficial to all at hand.
I’m not eluding to the fact that I don’t listen to problems or show empathy/sympathy when necessary. I just not as moved by emotional situations. In business or parenting, this has been my saving grace.
It is a continual & constant practice. I’m not at all immune to feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or wanting to have a “fit!” I’ve just learned to limit those moments by exhibiting emotional intelligence or emotional posture.
Bob, you are greatly appreciated & always know what to share with us!
Blessings,
g
Bob,
Once again I feel blessed for having the chance to get this wise advice from you and to learn from this community!
I’ve thought about this before but you’ve present it in such a simple AND powerful way that’s easy to remember. Great work!
For me, I believe that the reason people get “emotionally attached” to a certain outcome, specially if the outcome is Professional or Financial Success, is because they think that’s who they are.
When you think that *who you are* is directly related to how much money you make or the power and status of your position… you become directly attached to those things! And your EGO gets in the way. We just have to be careful with what we allow to fill our EGO.
I love the definition of Leadership by Ken Blanchard. He says that “Leadership is loving yourself enough to get out of the way so other people can become magnificent!”
One of the habits I practice is to constantly reminding myself about the meaning of Life. What’s the opposite of making money? I believe that’s making meaning in people’s lives! Everything else is not worth to be attached to because we don’t own those things! They’re on a loan!
John Ortberg wrote a book about this called “When the game is over, it all goes back in the box”. You can be a great monopoly player, you can win big money and own big hotels, but when the game is over… it all goes back in the box.
What a great lesson about Life!
And what a difference we can make, if we remember that the only thing we got to keep in the end is the Love we’ve shared with one another.
Bob I know you nailed it on this one. I don’t know how I missed it before when you posted it. In my industry which is Network Marketing I know this is the #1 reason so many people struggle or fail at it. The statement “Attachment is always accompanied by fear” hit me upside the head and that is something I will always remember when I’m talking to a prospect or helping my down line. I was aware of not being attached to the out come but man I never have had it hit me like that!
Thanks a whole lot for this post.
Everette: Thank you so much for your very kind feedback. I’m so glad you found it to be of value!
Incredible truth in the statement, “This takes practice. Saying, “don’t be attached, don’t be attached, don’t be attached” doesn’t do it. ”
Emotional detachment to the desired result of what we choose to do on daily basis is one of the toughest, yet most fulfilling achievement. There are many valuable comments by others that add so much value the post as well.
There comes a time in our lives when we got to choose between ‘What is right thing to do” and “What feels good to do” and we can only make a good choice if there is an emotional posture.
Thank you Bob, for sharing this on Twitter. I would have missed this otherwise.
Geneva, Bruno and Kumar: Thank you for your very wise, thoughtful and insightful comments.