In Vernon Howard’s book, Esoteric Mind Power, he writes:
“If a mechanical robot made a rude remark to you, you would not feel offended, for your ego would not feel threatened by a mere machine. But because you fail to see that most people are equally mechanical, you attribute an ego to them, which causes your ego to think they can harm you. When you deeply see the man-machine behind human personality, you cannot be offended.”
Now, whether you and I choose to see our fellow human beings as mere machines or not, what the author presented was a wonderful example of what is known as a “reframe.”
A frame is a premise; the foundation from which everything else emanates. Basically, when we reframe, we make a “decision” to see an event differently than from that of our usual belief system. We choose a way conducive to our happiness and personal growth instead of misery. Yes, it’s the same event, but since we view it from a totally different point of view, it’s effect on us is…well, totally different.
For example, let’s take the event (someone makes a rude remark to you) cited by Vernon Howard. Perhaps we usually see that as something to take personally. As a result, it can cause harm to our self-image and self-esteem, elicit a rude reply to that person, try our patience (“I don’t have time to deal with jerks like this!”) and generally ruin our day.
How could we instead take that event and reframe it so that it “serves us” and our happiness instead of the opposite? Understanding that, in the real world, different circumstances certainly call for different possible courses of action, here are a few thoughts:
- “What a great opportunity to practice my patience with people!”
- “What an excellent opportunity to practice ‘responding‘ (which means you are in control of yourself and the situation) instead of ‘reacting’ (which means another human being is controlling you)!”
- “How fortunate I am that I don’t have the same problems and feeling of unhappiness that this jerk…er, uh, I mean, poor guy, obviously has.”
- If appropriate to engage in a conversation with this person as a result of their rude remark, your reframe can be, “What a tremendous opportunity to practice my influence skills and persuade this person to my point of view!”
For the next week, focus on reframing every apparently negative situation (both “people-wise” and “event-wise”) in a positive light. You might want to imagine various situations in advance and come up with a reframe you can utilize in the event it actually happens. Difficulty with your boss, spouse, child, friend, customer, etc.? What would be a positive reframe for you? Or, your car runs out of gas, you spill milk, slip on a banana peel (does anyone ever actually do that? :-)) or anything else you can imagine.
Reframe, anyone?
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I was taught reframing many years ago when I was the offending party. I called a meeting with an editor who was ‘doing everything wrong’ in my opinion. After rather brutally attacking everything he’d done in great detail I was shocked at his response. He listened attentively, asked questions to clarify, and then thanked me for helping him! I realized then that I’d forgotten we were all working together on the same team and that he hadn’t deserved my bad attitude. I’ve used him as a role model for reframing ever since.
ERO= event + reation/responce = outcome. Change the reaction, change the outcome.
This is sooo Great Bob! I remember long ago when I learned to reframe a Sales Rejection! It took me some time to realize to “Reframe” it as you put it and understand it wasn’t at all about me! Once I changed my thoughts to the fact that I was offering an opportunity and then at that point the decision was up to them to take or not take that opportunity. Then I understood that it had nothing to do with me and it made my life and my career much more satisfying AND successful. This is such a fantastic way to put it…
Thank you, Lori. Great formula to always keep in mind!
Thank you, Barbara…I love the way you put it, as well!
Kim, that’s awesome. What a great lesson! And, HUGE shout-out of gratitude to you for sharing that very personal story with us!
Thank you for the reminder. 🙂 I needed to read this.
Thank YOU. I need to read it from time-to-time, myself!
One of my favorite phrases is “It’s ALL Good”. It’s amazing how adopting that mantra many years ago has helped me. When things don’t seem good, and especially when they seem downright bad, remembering to remember that phrase forces me to LOOK for the good. And you know what? You can always find something good about even the worst situation. It also shifts the focus to gratitude, a powerful reframe, which opens my mind, shifts my thinking and helps me realize it could always be worse. One flat tire IS good…compared to two flat tires 🙂 GREAT post, Bob!
Thank you, Linda. Very well put, my friend. Yes, sometimes even just seeing that something is “not as bad as it could be” is a very helpful reframe. I seem to remember you once wrote an excellent blog post about that. Appreciate your sharing your wisdom with us, Coach Linda!
Hi Bob,
Did you write that comment about running out of gas for me? Everyone knows I am “Fuel challenged” Looking at the gas gage never enters my brain. I have learned to not get mad….at myself, and not have the 32 oz. iced tea before I get in the car.
Thanks for the lesson on reframing. I will be trying that with my “trying” son.
Jean
Spectacular write. *LOVE IT!* I will be sharing this article with very important people.
One example of Reframing, perhaps?
*In rush to get over a bridge before it closes in 30 minutes for the Blue Angel Show during Seattle’s SeaFair Air Show, we encounter our reframing lesson.
*In the parking lot on the way to the bridge, a little old man in a Walker juts in front of the car. Slowly he paces with his walker, one foot at a time; then one walker motion, and repeat.
*Incredible Patience Lesson. (Hence the Reframing… rather than getting incredibly impatient and frustrated, we laugh at the timing and enormity of such a lesson).
*We stop, we laugh together, we wait.
We’d either make it to the Air Show on time to see the Blue Angels, or they’d inevitably fly overhead. We could wait for the elderly man to walk with his walker across the parking lot and be thankful for reframing our frustration from anger to patience.
This was a very helpful article. Thanks!
VERY nice, Elena. A terrific reframe, indeed!
Your timing is impeccable Bob.
Thank you, Chris!!
Bob, i love with your creativity
Thank you, Tufail. Very kind of you, my friend!
Meanwhile, Jean…while reframing is good, it’s also good to train yourself to LOOK AT THE GAS GAUGE. Sorry, didn’t mean to shout. 😉
We’re all re-framing more than we realize. That’s the beauty of the mysterious subconscious. And re-framing is quite different than getting a mindset tune-up or an attitude adjustment.
The trick is to remember the three major “P’s”.
Is not Personal, Pervasive, Permanent. Then, RE-FRAME.
LOVE, love, love, this post and the reminder that we need to be kind….more often than not.
I like the word “reframe” I have this terrible habit of feeling compassion for the person who made that rude remark. It comes from seeing past whats in front of me and seeing it doesn’t have anything to do with me and really to do with them and why they are unhappy and feel a need to attack another. I hope they find peace. Life is too short. Thank you I needed to hear that to re-inforce what I believe.
Carol, I don’t think the habit of feeling compassion for the person who made the rude remark is “terrible” at all. And, based on the rest of your comment, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Feeling compassion for someone like that is – in and of itself – a reframe. The key is to find a reframe that serves and empowers you. Thank you for sharing with us!
I had a roommate years ago who always ran his car on empty. He somehow believed that he was saving money by doing so. One rainy snowy winter day we ran out of gas on the freeway. This predates cell phones. We had to climb an 8 foot chain link fence and walk a half mile down an unplowed side road to get to a gas station.
When we got to the gas station, I slipped on some hidden ice and fell on my back in a 3 inch deep puddle of ice cold water. We got a can of gas and I had a miserable walk back to the car and I think I snagged my pants on fence.
I didn’t know about reframing at that time. I did change myself though. I watched his gauge and made him get gas if got too low. I don’t allow mine to get low.
Reframing is a great tool but it is not a replacement for doing the same stupid things over and over. Reframing is for how you react to the outside world and situations.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, Doug. And, yes, reframing is a great tool; not a replacement for appropriate action.
Hey Bob, if stuff like that didn’t happen once in a while (not too often please) I wouldn’t have any funny stories to tell. The contrasts make the wins that much sweeter. I can appreciate that now that I am older and wiser. Still lots to learn and master though.
@DOUG, I love what you say that you still have a lot to learn and master, that’s the sign of a true entrepreneur with a high visionary spirit. Which is the kind of folks that Bob attracts!
@Ali. Thank you so much for saying that. Yes, Bob is magnetic.