After reading one of my past articles, Belief Systems, a Twitter friend wrote:
“That means we are responsible for everything in our lives!
Also, our belief systems can change.”
Regarding the first part: responsible for everything?? Well, yes…and perhaps, no. If we were to define “responsible” as “being the cause of something” (paraphrasing one dictionary definition) then I would respectfully take issue in certain very specific areas. Nitpicky? I don’t think so. I believe the distinctions are important.
I certainly believe* that we are responsible for how we respond to everything that happens in our lives. And, that our ultimate success and happiness is 100 percent up to us, based on our responses!
However, I don’t believe we are literally 100 percent responsible for everything that happens to us. There are some things in our physical life experience over which we truly do not have control. That’s not to say there aren’t things we might do to unconsciously put ourselves in undesirable situations. Huge difference.
The second part of his tweet though, I agree with 100 percent. Once we are “consciously aware” that it’s our belief systems that drive our reactions or responses, we are indeed in a position to change those belief systems in a way that will serve us much “more better-er.” 🙂
And, that’s great to know, isn’t it? It means we genuinely do have control over ourselves and our lives. And, even if that rare, distressing, even life-altering event occurs – through absolutely no fault of our own – we still have the ability, within our new and developed belief system, to respond in a more beneficial and productive manner.
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* Notice how many times throughout this article I qualify my statements by saying that something is my belief. Please know that I’m not trying to tell you what the truth is. These are only my…beliefs.
And, of course…I could be wrong.
This is really a great topic for discussion, isn’t it? I certainly welcome your thoughts…and beliefs! 🙂
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Being responsible “for how we respond” is something I learned in a Dale Carnegie class a long time ago. I try to live that every day and always appreciate reminders, like this post!
Great points Bob.
I totally agree with you. Someone I know hit a deer with their car last year. The deer jumped out from behind a tree and they didn’t even see it until it was literally tripping over the car, which was totalled. Were they *responsible* for that? No, but they were responsible for how they reacted to it. If there was any way at all they could have prevented it, then they would have had some responsibility.
“…I could be wrong?” I think not Bob. The key words in your article are “consciously aware.” Two words that compliment each other and point to the same reality – “awareness.” I think I went through the greater part of my life “unaware” or “unconscious.” That is to say, for the most part, I was lost in thoughts–thoughts that typically move in one of two directions – toward the past, the memories, the experiences, conversations, successes and failures, and so forth. Or, my thoughts moved in a forward direction, toward the future and, whenever it did–and that was most of the time–such thoughts were anticipatory as I imagined, and played out, situations, conversations, things I would do, things I would avoid, conversations I would have, might have, how they would likely unfold–what I would say to him, what he would say to me, and so forth.
Here’s what I discovered, when I was lost in thoughts about yesterday, they tended to be mostly things I regretted. They carried with them a baggage of guilt, sometimes shame, and a lot of negativity. Whenever I was lost in thoughts about tomorrow, they tended to be mostly things I worried about; thoughts filled with anticipatory anxiety. I learned that I could do nothing about the past, but learn from it, forgive it, and move on. I learned also that, no matter how I imagined things turning out in the future–how conversations would unfold, how situations would transpire–things almost never turned out as I imagined them. So, what was the point in worrying?
When I became “consciously aware,” I found myself more fully grounded in this present moment. As a consequence, infinitely more complete, happy, and awake. The present is the only place where real responsibility can be assumed and life can be enjoyed. Thanks for the opportunity to learn from you Bob. Your teaching in the Maxwell program has been some of the most informative and inspiring. I appreciate your work, as do we all. Many blessings in your journey.
Great post Bob, I am a huge believer in this and I know it has made a tremendous difference in my life. The acceptance and belief that I control my reaction to any situation and I “choose” how to interrupt it with my questions and thoughts. Powerful questions like “how can I learn from this?” or “what is good about it?”, etc… as opposed to weak and destructive questions like “why do things like this happen to me?”…
Thanks for sharing.
Stuart
How liberating when we fully realize our responsibility is within our control. This belief applies to the results we want (and need) to achieve.
Results and outcomes are important, but they really are the measurement of our responses. There is a lot of power in focusing on actions that produce results. Then I can freely admit, I don’t always control outcomes; I do control my actions. I control my focus, rituals, decisions, and disciplines. When I focus on those pieces, I am learning to let results take care of themselves.
Looking forward to this discussion Bob!
Oh yes, it’s a great discussion topic~absolutely DELICIOUS!
As you know, this is my favorite dish~ the art of thinking and our ability to choose our thoughts in any given situation. Our ability to use our mental muscle of perception and see the good in ALL things.
I agree, (to paraphrase) sometimes crap happens, through “no fault of our own.” But it’s our response to the crap that determines what happens next. ie. if we get a flat tire we can fuss and fume and fret (which, btw does NOT re-inflate the tire) OR we can be grateful we didn’t get 2 flat tires…or hit something or someone when the tire went flat, etc. etc. etc. The 2nd scenario doesn’t re-inflate the tire either, but it improves our chances of having a good rest of the day. The first scenario increases of chances of having more “flat tire-ish” things come into our day (like a spilled cup of Dunkin!)
Love this post and look forward to reading the comments from your Best-Commentors_On-The-Planet 🙂
Another post, Bob, that get the group in great conversation.
What if we said “We’re responsible TO everything in our lives”? Taking the same view of responsible meaning that we literally have the ability to respond. When we acknowledge this power to respond to everything we can begin to exercise it, instead of the alternative of unconsciously reacting to event and circumstances.
What a well spoken commentary on personal responsibility and how our choices create our lives.
Bob, there’s such power in keeping your reminder near: I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW I RESPOND TO EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO ME.
In the beautiful simplicity with which you frame this conversation, I just observed for the first time the overlap between the words responsible and respond — a connection that now has been fused in my brain. Thank you!
Hi Bob. Another great post. Like you said these are strictly “my beliefs. Not sure where i got this from, but I love it and have it in my presentation:
“We are not defined by what happens to us, but how we REACT to what happens; not by what life brings US, but the ATTITUDE we bring to life”
“I can only control two things; my attitude and my behavior”.
If i can’t control it, i have to let it go. Thanks again Bob. Love your posts
Whens the new book coming out ? September ? can’t wait.
Al
Great Morning Bob and All, It seems that Dr. McSwain and I have been on the same path of living in the past and mentally prepositioning our future. Both, to me, were extreem time and energy wasters. Words from the late great Napoleon Hill “You can do it if you BELIEVE you can”. And that our beliefs begin with our positive thoughts. Responsible actions are thought driven.
Love your posts Bob – keep up the great work. And to all who respond to this blog – you are reaching to someone who needs something else they themselves may not have thought of.
AJ
WOW – everyone. Thank you. While I had decided to just let the comments flow instead of responding as they came in, please know that I am reading each one with great interest. As always, I learn much more from your comments than you learn from my original posts. As Dondi says, “Bob, you have the best responders!” I agree, Dondi! 🙂
The wisdom and personal experiences you all have shared is making a huge difference, both to me and, as you can see, to others who are reading and benefiting from your comments.
Thank you all VERY much for sharing your wisdom, thoughts, experiences and beliefs with us!!!!!
Hi Bob. You are spot on with this post. I learned early in life that it’s not what happens to you or the hand you were dealt, it’s how you respond to it that matters. I’m pretty much a glass half full kinda girl!
Celene
Excellent post, Bob! I also believe that we are not always responsible for everything which happens in our lives…that is called life : ) But we do have the power to react (positively or negatively) to situations or experiences. Belief systems can change over a period of time. Whether taught or adapted, they can determine the direction, the purpose and the influence of our lives. Keep up the sensational work, my friend!
I like that Dr Mollie just saw the “response” in responsibility. I also see ability at the end of responsibility. We all have the God given ability to choose our responses.(if you can read this, you qualify under “all”:-))
Furthermore, as to avoid misunderstandings, it’s “my belief” (I like that Bob used that line..I will adapt it into my communications) that it is my responsibility to clarify in
communications. For example, at work, when a bridesmaid says, “I am here for a “fitting.” Before I act, I ask questions, “Has your dress been ordered yet and were you told it has arrived? Or are you here for me to measure you, so I can order?” The answer to each of those questions will determine my next step. So it’s important to clarify before I act. My
“response-ability.” 🙂
Bob, your simplicty is brilliant.
Congrats Bob you again have put forth a way of thinking that most of us have not or could not articulate. Your post is excellent and the opportunity to read all of the comments are invaluable. Thank you
All of this conversation is important. As a victim of a violent rape I’d like to add more perspective. It’s one thing to understand that we are responsible for how we react to the random adversity that inevitably crosses our paths; it’s another thing entirely to believe in ourselves enough to want that responsibility. In order to really embrace the idea of responsibility, “it’s my belief” that we have to love who we are so much that we’re driven to make choices that help us become the best possible version of ourselves. Otherwise we become victims in life or passengers in life, just watching the scenery go by.
Thanks for your post Bob! Always a fan, Wendy
Bob, your post is quite interesting and very timely given the book I just wrapped up called Leadership and Self-Deception. One of the core premises is that people sense my internal view of them right away and react to that when I approach them. The more I have pondered that, the more I see I must take responsibility for the views I take into each encounter with people because I may have more influence over what I am getting back from them than I ever imagined. Bring a smile, leave with a smile. Bring a chip on my shoulder into an encounter and walk away wondering what was up with that person when I get some attitude back. Big surprise! Now that I see what is going on, it makes perfect sense.
My son and I have a rule when it looks like we are getting crossways. I will assume I did not take enough time to teach and he will assume he did not take enough time to listen. My response is my responsibility. Absolutes are always troublesome and that includes “everything” (it also includes “always” LOL). I think I will just try and focus on my part in this grand play – my guess is that humility there will take care of “just about” everything 😉 God will work the rest out as His scipt unfolds.
Best, MB
MB does “your rule” allow for you and your son to switch roles, listener to teacher, teacher to listener from time to time as needed? 🙂 I learn so much from those I teach.
I have been following your posts for sometime now after I read your book “Endless Referrals”.
This is a very interesting topic Bob and like you mentioned, it is about individual belief systems, you are right and therefore worth sharing.
Like you mentioned, it doesn’t appear that we are 100% responsible for everything that happens to us. But it is a very complicated subject and really it depends on how deep you want to go on this topic.
Neopleon Hill’s classics “Think and Grow Rich” and “You can work your own Miracles” say you can achieve everything you want. Now, if you can do everything you want, doesn’t it mean everything that is happening to you is what you deserve because of your current or your past actions? Now, this is my personal belief system 🙂 I am not sure about 100%, but the truth that we are responsible for everything that happens to us is pretty close it this number in my belief system. At times I do realize we don’t understand why something happens to us when we don’t deserve or expect it…. but later, when dots are connected, many times it starts to make sense.
Again, this is my “personal” belief. But this is a great post. Thank you for sharing!
Regards,
Snigdha
I’m continuing to really enjoy the wisdom you all are sharing, as well as the back-and-forth comments and suggestions you have with/for one another. Thank you so much again!!!!!
Amy, I am learning more and more from my son as he shares his insight with me. Two ears, one mouth… Key ratio. He has such a big heart, he sees the world in ways I don’t. Sometimes, his insight comes when he reminds me of our “deal” about the rule 😉
Thank you for the permission Bob.:-)
Michael, well said and what a blessing you are to each other!!! When can I read your new book?:-)
Interesting subject there is a very popular book (although not read thoroughly by most) that addresses issues like, time and unforeseen occurrence, knowing when to speak and when to be quiet, learning to control our thoughts to avoid temptations and MANY other gems.
Bob, I always love to read your musings! And this one is so timely. Later today, I’m giving a talk on Shift Happens, Holy Shift, and when the Shift Hits the Fan. Ultimately, it all boils down to how you SEE shift in your life (or whether you see it) AND how you respond to it. Thank you to all who have posted in this thread because I’ve gotten even more centered in my sense of our responsibility to how we pace ourselves on this journey called life through your comments, stories, and ideas. If there is one thing that Bob Burg excels at it is creating a network through community, trust, honesty, and support. Bob, thank you, as always for being such a humble thought leader!