A reader asks, “Bob, how do you know if someone is trying to hurt your feelings or you’re just taking something the wrong way?”
Thank you for your question. It’s one I’m sure most of us have struggled with at some time in our lives. And, depending upon the situation, it can actually be quite debilitating. As human beings, we certainly don’t want to feel anyone – whether stranger or close friend or family member – would ever want to intentionally hurt us.
However, in terms of your question, I’m not sure there is any one correct answer.
Why?
We need to consider that much of what we take personally simply isn’t personal at all. It’s much more the result of our transferring our belief system unto others. In other words, since we think a certain way, we assume they do, as well (i.e., their saying this could only mean that). And, that is usually far from true.
An excellent explanation of this phenomenon is found in the classic, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Two of his four “agreements” are, “Don’t Make Assumptions” and “Don’t Take Things Personally.” These are two things we as human being do on a constant and continual basis. We make major decisions based on very limited information. And, it all goes back to our “belief systems” (Agreements).
Yes, there are questions you can ask yourself that – using logic – will indeed help you to better determine that person’s intent. But, be careful; be very careful to make sure you don’t assume your logic/beliefs/agreements are their logic/beliefs/agreements.
So, what’s the best way to determine their intent? Ask them. Of course, depending upon the person and situational context, this might not be feasible. For example, the stranger who walks past you with a scowl on their face. He or she might not have even noticed you because they are deep in thought, having just heard their kid got suspended from school. But, probably best not to ask. 🙂
With your co-worker, friend, family member, etc., asking is most likely totally appropriate. However, it’s important that this be done with tact, and using an “I-Message.”
During my many years of living in anger, I often took things personally that, looking back on it were, much more than likely, not personal at all. And, when I think of the vast amount of time I wasted and energy I spent by letting this control much of my life, it still brings a sadness to me (which is why I don’t think of it too often).
So, is someone trying to hurt your feelings? Are you simply taking what they’re saying the wrong way?
I don’t know for sure, but the chances are great it was nothing personal. After all, most people are far too busy thinking of themselves to be thinking about hurting you. And, maybe that’s not such a bad thing to keep in mind.
Friends, what say you?
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I find it helpful to remember that other people’s behaviour says way more about THEM than it does about me. I can’t control other people’s actions, so I might as well take it easy on myself and stop trying. Besides, sometimes it’s SO hard to separate our own projection from objective reality. If someone seems to have done or said something hurtful, I’m getting better at remembering that their behaviour is their issue, and my issue is to stay compassionate and happy. I’m no expert, but I’m intentional about it, so I’m getting better.
Love this article about not taking it personal because ..it’s so very true that we may be over thinking it all or being sensitive. I do think if by chance someone may be trying to be hurtful..then that belongs to them..instead of being hurt, and mystified ….
I try to change the thought to “what is going on in their lives that they aim to be hurtful”…. It really changes the dynamic…. when … examined that way…my hope is to have compassion for the person…I don’t always reach that level of thinking.. …… but I do try.
Hello Bob,
Excellent post as usual 🙂
We think that you are right, when things hurt, we always ask ourselves is it really personal or are they coming from a different angle to the situation…
Like you say more often than not it’s not personal and even if it is… if we can look to see if they are speaking any truths and adjust to that… otherwise it’s best just to let it go and float away and thus keep your mind free of clutter 🙂
Bye bye
The English Sisters
Great reminder, Bob! My current (and apparently lifelong) lesson from the universe is “Never ascribe malice to that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” My friends and I often replace stupidity with ignorance or incompetence, as the situation changes. What it means in this context is, generally speaking, people are not out to hurt you, so do what Bob recommends and ask for clarity! Too often we let it go, and then stew on it when a simple question would clear it up immediately.
Now if I can only remember to do this… 🙂
I live my life by the Four Agreements. Once I read that book, it really changed the way that I show up in the world. I never really worry about someone hurting my feelings or not, it is my choice to have the hurt feelings. If a person says something to me that I think might be intentionally hurtful, I just start asking them questions. Usually I will find out that person has some type of pain or disappointment in their own life and they are simply directing their anger at me. If I have done something to upset someone I can ask questions, and then I have the opportunity to make it right.
Thanks Bob for a great post.
I spent many years wondering what I said or did that made someone want to hurt me. I became defensive and withdrawn because I was afraid of hurting others. Then one day someone accused me of trying to be malicious with them in a passive aggressive fashion. I was hurt and stunned since I had tried so hard NOT to be hurtful to others. In fact I had been having some bad things going on in my world and didn’t realize that my facial expressions, body language and tone of voice had been reflecting my attitude about the things that were happening. It was then I realized how important giving someone the benefit of the doubt is. Now instead of wondering if they are trying to be hurtful I ask, what is happening in their life and try to be compassionate. A bit of genuine kindness often softens the person and their whole demeanor changes
The way I look at this is, the perceived damage is done. 1. The other person wasn’t even trying to “hurt you,” it was totally misinterpreted by you; 2. The other person did have a gripe, and you can show your integrity by addressing the concern and asking for constructive feedback, or, 3. The other person is a complete loser and you probably don’t even want to dignify the accusation with a response.
Why do you choose a question to answer on your Blog when you have no idea WTF a good answer may be? BXL
Hi Gang, thank you. There is so much wisdom you are sharing in your comments that – once again – you have taken the original article to a much higher and deeper level than it was by itself. I love reading about how in some cases you have reframed, in some you have learned specific lessons and, overall, have utilized both your heads and hearts to make the world a better place. As always…thank you for sharing. Please know I appreciate y’all greatly!!