In a post from last year entitled, Belief Systems, I included what I call the Four Clarifying Questions. These are questions you can ask yourself whenever you are involved in an interpersonal conflict.
When I recently posted them on my Facebook page, we received a lot of response. And, it’s not necessary to read the entire article in order to be able to utilize these questions. Asking these of yourself can help you take an uncomfortable situation and turn it into a win for all concerned.
The four questions are:
- How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?
- How is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truth of the situation?
- What questions can I ask this person that will clarify my understanding of their version of the truth (their Belief System)?
- What information can I give that will help them clarify their understanding of my version of the truth (my Belief System)?
As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people, there are generally three truths; their truth, the other person’s truth, and the actual truth (those first two truths are actually beliefs).
These self-questions, which then lead to an exchange of information, allows us to better understand one another. This understanding generates respect and ultimately peace.
I received this photo from Amy Wells. It’s a laminated wallet size card with the 4 clarifying questions.
Amy wrote: “I recently removed it from my wallet because the questions pop into my head naturally now.”
Suggestion: Do as Amy did. Put these questions to memory, even rehearse potential situations and “see” how you would handle them. I’ll bet you you experience a huge (and much more effective) difference the next time.
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Bob:
O.K. On a ‘time framework’ here, but just this for now:
This is excellent ‘teaching’ – I have been in several situations lately in which a firmer grasp of these four questions would have assisted greatly. Having them so clearly stated, and taking up with your suggestion to write them down, will reduce the amount of (always) self-induced stress involved in these ‘situations’ –
Simplicity is rare. And always of great (favorite word coming up) USEFUL.
Thanks.
Wayne
A thought provoking article. Now to remember to ask these questions before I react or answer!
Carol, thank you. And, I have no doubt at all that you can (and will) do that!
Bob,
Great ideas about the 4 questions. It’s not all about us changing their perspective, sometimes we need to question and change our own as well. I just wish I had these questions yesterday when I was on a coaching call with a client – given our discussion at the time, these would have helped.
I will print them out and have them posted above my phone. Thanks,
Bill
Another thought provoking post, Bob. Your readers may possess the genuine interest to resolve the conflict between opposing belief systems; however, I am uncertain if the 2011 pace of daily business encourages this exchange (may be seen as a time-wasting impediment) with triple workloads shouldered by many folks today.
Bill, thank you. That’s really a great compliment!
Hi DB, thank you for your thoughts. My suggestion is that if we don’t take time to clarify and establish the correct premise and belief systems, we are going to waste a lot more time heading in the wrong direction. Just my opinion, of course.
Wayne, thank you. Means a lot to me that you found it to be useful!
Many sad power struggles over who is right or wrong would be instantly averted. It is my desire to listen with an intent to learn. That has been my most powerful tool in productive communication. I appreciate you so much, Bob. You model respect, opening, authenticity and so much more!
Jerilyn, thank you. Your very kind words are very appreciated. And, I agree that the “right or wrong” power struggle could be greatly reduced if people would take the attitude you discuss. Knowing you personally for a long time, I KNOW this is how you communicate, and one reason you are such a terrific leader!
Thanks for this EXCELLENT post Bob!! I love this process of conflict resolution by answering the 4 questions and I will definitely keep them in mind!
Thank you, Melissa. Please keep us up to date and let us know how it works for you. I’m sure you already do much of it intuitively!
Great post, Bob! It is an excellent idea to ask questions to gain more understanding. Especially when building quality relationships is a priority. It is so easy to see only one side of the story and take your own truth as actual truth. You made a superb comment in your post, “This understanding generates respect and ultimately peace.” I will definitely keep that in mind! Keep up the sensational work!
Thank you, Chi Chi. I always appreciate your kind and thoughtful feedback!
To learn these 4 questions, has certainly been worth the investment. You are an amazing teacher My Bob!
Aww, thank you, My Amy! 🙂 I appreciate your sending in that photo. Yeah, Amy!
Thanks Bob. Some more great ideas, suggestions and reminders.
Reminds me ; “Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be right”
And always “Pause when agitated”, Ask great questions and LISTEN.
Always glad to read your stuff Bob. U R da Man !!
Al