{Quick note: In writing this post I’m featuring insights and wisdom learned from my Dad, Mike Burg whom, for years, I personally witnessed helping put broken families back together again.}
One surprising area that occurs from time to time within even the healthiest of family relationships is the “unexpected complaint.” In other words, Susie is offended by something her brother, Dan, has been doing of late…and Dan has absolutely no idea! In fact, when Susie finally explodes, Dan is taken completely by surprise. It’s almost as though he feels a “surprise attack” has just occurred. He had no idea his sister felt that way!
It’s important to realize that nobody knows what’s going on in another person’s mind. We can think we know, but we don’t. We might also believe that others can read our mind. They can’t. Susie feels that if her brother loved her, he’d “know” she was angry. After all, couldn’t he tell by the way she reacted every time he did or said whatever it was he was doing or saying that bothered her?
Actually, no, he couldn’t. He can’t read Susie’s mind anymore than Susie can read his.
This is something that every family member: spouses, children, siblings, as well as extended family, needs to keep in mind on a continuous, conscious basis. How often has a husband been angry with his wife, or vice versa, because one of them did or didn’t do something…and again, the offending person had no idea? In this case, communication obviously breaks down and, until one speaks up, it stays broken.
Remember this rule: “He or she loves you…AND he or she cannot read your mind.” You cannot read theirs, and they cannot read yours. It’s as simple as that. If there’s something bothering you, you must communicate it, or there’s a good chance it will not be recognized.
Also, if there’s something you specifically want from someone within the family, you must directly — with respect — ask for it. If you don’t ask and you don’t get it, please don’t blame them. The chances are, they didn’t know. The reason is, they cannot read your mind.
Effective communication comes with understanding. We can ensure understanding by sharing, by informing and by asking. We need to be willing to clarify our thoughts and ask others to clarify theirs.
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Thanks so much for this reminder Bob. I try very hard to open to criticism with my family and friends. Often, by being open to criticism, you will invite the offended person to air their grievances before they explode! 🙂 I am still working on it!
Thanks for the humbling reality check! How many times do we assume we know what someone is thinking? I think when we’re very familiar with someone, we can get carried away and presume we know what’s going on in their head. Ridiculous when you think about it. Thanks for reminding me I’m not The Amazing Kreskin. Hope my kids read this post :o)
Bob, I absolutely love this! It is so easy to get wrapped up in our own perspective we forget to really listen and ask questions.
Thank you, Columbia. The cool thing is that once we recognize this as a challenge we are then in a position to overcome it. Still easier said than done but, with focus, we can continually improve. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
LOL Thank you, Linda. As human beings, I think we all fall into that trap – at best from time-to-time and, at worst – on an ongoing basis. One of the greatest books I read on this topic was Don Miguel Ruiz’ “The Four Agreements.” Regarding Kreskin, exactly; we are not and neither is the other person. And, hey, even Kreskin probably isn’t even Kreskin! 🙂
Thanks Bob for the reminder. Often, we get into arguments and misunderstandings because of not sharing, informing or asking. This is a constant work in progress for us all. This is a post worth sharing : )
Russ, great point. And, I think it’s something we continually need to work on.
Mikhail, yes, very much so. And, I agree with you, as well; a work in progress.
Great post, Bob! I must admit I lack in the areas of communication which you soooo eloquently touched on in this blog. I have found myself (on several occasions) being offended by the actions of others and not properly communicating my feelings/thoughts. I focus on: “They should know how I feel.” or “Isn’t it obvious how I would react to that situation.” or even, “Do I need to explain myself?” LOL I can take it far : ) But it is definitely good to put things in perspective and realize that people (family, friends and enemies) can not read my mind. Keep up the extraordinary work and give my best to Pa Burg : )
Hi Bob, it’s been a while since I’ve dropped in on your blog. Glad to see that you are up to your usual brilliance : ) Your post reminded me of an interaction with my parents.
My mother left an empty bottle of perfume around the house as a hint for my father, for the next gift giving occasion. She put that bottle everywhere! On the kitchen counter. On the bathroom vanity, on the back of the toilet, even on his workbench. For months she moved that bottle around hoping he would get it. He never did. She was irked and let him have it…good. Fast forward a year, she started tearing out the perfume strips found in women’s magazines to scent their dresser drawers. My Dad, who figured these were “hints”, went out and bought every bottle of perfume that was represented. And then proud as a peacock presented them to her. She laughed so hard that she could barely speak. When she composed herself she said, “What were you thinking, you know this isn’t my brand.”
Yup, that’s my folks LOL
Deb, that is a funny story. I mean…it’s not a funny story. Err, I’m not sure what I mean. Whatever you say it is, it is. (That was me being a guy and not having a clue) 😉
Of course if I knew this (consciously) I’d have never met the wonderful person I’m with now!
Bob,
I am sure this is useful for most, but I always know what my family wants to tell me, that is until they actually tell me and I tell them how wrong they are – lol.
As was mentioned by an earlier commenter (is that a word?) it us so easy to fall into this trap, and the unfortunate consequence hurts the ones closest to us!
All my relationships (in hindsight) has as a feature, my non-awareness of people’s inability to mind read. Heading to disaster! With my current spouse, we talk and communicate and all is (relatively) well!
… and we’ve been together 17 years! A record for me!
Thank you, Chi Chi. Been there and done that, my friend. And, I’ll send along your regards to Pa Burg! 🙂
Steve, I knew you already knew! 😉
Great post as always Bob! It reminds me of an exercise that my friend Leslie does in her workshops. She draws an image on a piece of paper and holds it up in the air. She asks someone on one side of the room what they see, and they describe the image. She asks someone on the other side of the room and they say “nothing. It’s a blank sheet of paper”. The two are both convinced that they are right, because they are…from their own perspective.
Thanks for the reminder, and the wisdom 😉
Hello HeatherO, thank you for sharing Leslie’s wisdom-filled idea. How true!! Much appreciated!
This ties well to a “condition” of the go-giver the 3rd law “Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests firsts.” When you keep this in mind and ask yourself the question first, am I putting the interest of others first right now you reamin conscious, then asking questions to make sure clarity is achieved for everyone involved. Thank you again Bob.
Excellent point, John! Thank you for sharing!
How is that, Mike?
Got it. Awesome! Way to go, my friend!
It is amazing to know that there are articles like this on web.Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Poul, thank YOU for your very kind comment!
Absolutely true… and it takes both PARTIES willingness to have this conversation, I have had clients and personally witnessed where there is one party NOT willing to be involved in a honest open dialogue about past issues other person is willing and wanting to let go of and resolve on their end…
If everyone used the principles of open honest communication without an attachement or need to be the right one we would have a different society today… Always beautiful wisdom and from Father and son…
Carly: Thank you. Very well said! And, extra special thanks for that last phrase! 🙂