We’ve discussed “softeners” or Lead-in phrases that help lower the potential defenses of a person you are attempting to persuade to your side of an issue.
Related to this is the idea that anything we say can be communicated more effectively and persuasively by not coming across in a dogmatic, know-it-all fashion but instead, with the humility of one who honors the feelings and opinions of others.
This reminds me of the teaching of inventor, philosopher, and statesman, Benjamin Franklin, from his book, The Autobiography And Other Writings.
Although, through logic, he could practically always outmaneuver his opponent, he soon realized that doing so did not necessarily result in their having good feelings toward him. And, while he might convince them, he would often not persuade them. After all, they felt put down and insulted; their ego would often not allow them to admit defeat and a change of opinion.
According to Dr. Franklin:
“I gradually left {this method}, retaining only the habit of expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence. I never used, when I advanced, anything that may possibly be disputed – the words, ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ or any others that give the air of positiveness to an opinion. Rather, I’d say, ‘I conceive or apprehend a thing to be so or so,’ ‘It appears to me,’ or ‘I should think it so or so, for such and such reasons,’ or ‘I imagine it to be so,’ or ‘It is so if I am not mistaken.’
“This habit, I believe, has been of great advantage to me when I have had occasion to inculcate my opinions and persuade men into measures that I have been from time to time engaged in promoting.”
So, let’s take a great lesson from Ben and express ourselves with humility and tact.
In fact…whoops, I mean, as a possible thought, 🙂 let’s utilize the information we learned in a previous article from Napoleon Hill and the wisdom in this article from Dr. Franklin, practice it, and perchance improve ourselves in these areas.
How do you find yourself doing in this regard presently? Do you see any room for improvement…or am I the only one?
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Ouch!!! I need to work on “expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence.” Thank you for this post!
LOL. You express yourself terrifically, my friend!
Ben Franklin was certainly progressive for his time. On its face, this particular point of view seems acceptable. After all, you can present your position without making your “opponent” feel belittled.
But I have to say, in 2011, his approach would be construed as noncommittal and barely convincing. “It appears to me” is akin to saying, “I’m guessing this is true but I haven’t verified it, so take it with a grain of salt.” It is a weak handshake, a tentative smile, an apology for not doing one’s homework.
In the age of Wikis and self-proclaimed experts around every corner, nook and cranny, I find it’s better to know your stuff and prove it. Cite indisputable sources with conviction. “According to the latest Pew research… As published in the NY Times…” etc. Sure, just like Franklin fretted, some people might take offense. But most are compelled to agree with experts, so you will persuade the majority to come around to your side. That’s much better than proving nothing.
Hi Mike, I’m so appreciative of your joining our discussion and sharing your thoughts. With all respect, and from personal experience (and the many I’ve taught to do similar), this is a methodology that actually works quite well. I think you might possibly be interpreting tact with weakness. Lead-in phrases — as you correctly pointed out — are an excellent way to establish your position without belittling another or, as I might say, causing them to go into a defensive, reactionary mind-set where they are predisposed to disagree.
However, that should never be confused with not presenting factual evidence that – in no uncertain terms – demonstrates and communicates that you have the correct facts. In a sense, it comes down to, “are you pushing or pulling?” And, seldom to we persuade by pushing.
What a re-affirming post. I tend to understate things when it comes to expressing my opinion for the exact reasons you mention~not to alienate or set up a defensive nature for the conversation, whether business or personal. I am interested in others’ opinions, even and especially when they differ with mine. I think some people with vast knowledge on a particular subject lose the audience (or at least me!) when THEY proclaim themselves the expert. Let me do that!
Thank you, Linda. I’m glad you enjoyed that. And, knowing you as I do, you are an extremely powerful communicator and persuader!
Great post, as always, Bob.
I have contact with a person that begins many sentences with, “The one thing is…..”.
I know it is just a habit on her part but it dismisses my opinion because mine isn’t “the one thing”.
I have learned over time from you, and Ben, to think much more carefully about my phrasing. It matters.
Have a great Monday my online friend.
Frank
Frank, thank you. Very appreciated, my friend!
Very nice Bob – great tie into Franklin for a memorable lesson!
Great topic…and very important in leadership & sales, which I contend often go hand in hand. People won’t remember what you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. It’s not about winning the argument or conversation…it’s about making a positive impact on PEOPLE, in meaningful ways.
Kayan, thank you for your kind feedback!
Thank you, Taylor; I appreciate your sharing your thoughts!
Bob, timely post for me. I just had someone post on my fb page (in response to a dog training method I and many experienced trainers use) something to the effect of: “You should NEVER use that tool with a dog in that situation. This _____ is a much better choice.” Now, this person has never posted on my page before, and we have no relationship with each other. Nothing like dogmatic absolutes to get a relationship off on the right foot! And what a way to introduce yourself to someone and their community! Lol.
Thank you Bob and Ben!
-Sean
Hi Sean, what a powerful example that was. Can’t think of anything that more perfectly makes the case. Thank you for sharing with us, my friend!
Hi Mike,
Your use of “I find…” is exactly akin to Franklin’s point. You’re not taking a hard position here, but merely expressing knowledge found in your own experience, leaving others to their own opinions. 🙂
One of Franklin’s greatest talents seems to have been that he influenced others to convince themselves, while moving on and making a greater impact in the meantime.
Bob, great blog, I’ve been following you for the past few weeks.
Sean
Sean, thank you. I really enjoy how you phrased that. And, yes, I believe you are correct in that that was exactly what Ben was doing. And, thank you for your kind words about the blog post. I’m glad you’re enjoying that. Thank you for joining our community and discussion!
Firstly, I think I was born 200 years late. I would love to begin sentences with “I should think it so…” or “It is so if I am not mistaken…” — but I think I would get some strange looks if I did that.
I see Mike Spanjar’s point above and I think there is some merit to his argument but I have to respectfully disagree.
I think the critical point that you make so well in the post Bob is that there is a difference between convincing and persuading. You may convince someone of something but if you don’t do it with tact, they would sooner die than admit it.
As a result, I should think it so for such and such reasons that you have hit the nail on the head with this one Bob! 🙂
Thanks for writing these posts! I find myself putting them to use every day of my life.
Great post, Bob. Yes, there is always room for improvement. Dr. Franklin did an excellent joy of re-wording his speech to properly accommodate others. My favorite is, “I imagine it to be so..”. I will use that today! Keep up the terrific work!
Chi Chi, thank you for sharing with us!
It appears to me that these are effective communication tools. I have found them to be effective in sharing with others your point of view, or even in teaching. Another good phrase I use is, “In my experience I have discovered/found……….”
In my humble opinion, Bob Burg can teach you effective communication skills that will change your life!
To Your Success,
Tom
Hi Pastor Tom, that is so kind of you to say. Thank you. And, yes, I love your lead-in phrase that you shared. Excellence. Thank you so much again!
Russ, I should think it so for such and such reasons that I thanketh thee very much for thy words of kindness! 🙂
Very nice Bob, as I have introduced myself to your information and now exposing myself to your blog and whatever else I can get my hand, eyes, and mind on to further my personal development and in turn share it with those closes in my life (my children and wife, and my team mates at Peterson Plumbing) and soon to be others as I dive into the opportunity you have so kindly shared. To me the word persuade means that through effective communication you had with one or others we obtained an agreement on the topic, situation, or matters that we all feel good about. This is a positive thing. Convincing to me represents alot of work had to be done and there may still not be an agreement, without someone giving in. Others have their thougths and I am allowed to have mine. Not good, bad, right or wrong, from a position of regard for all involved.
John, terrific to hear from you. Thank you for sharing with us your interpretation regarding convincing and persuading. Great thoughts!
Hi Bob,
I’ve been a fan of persuasion for some time, and I’ve learned that if you’re running your own business, you had better practice this crucial sales skill. Of course, you should utilize persuasion in all your relationships, both professional and personal.
The first book I ever read on this subject was How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie, whose principles still hold true today. A more modern take that I enjoy is It’s Not Just Who You Know by Tommy Spaulding.
Hi John, thank you for joining our discussion. And, yes, (positive) persuasion – the ability to move someone to action in a way that benefits all concerned – is a cornerstone of success. I loved Dale Carnegie’s book and still refer to it often. I have not yet read Mr. Spaulding’s book. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with us!
While a little late to the party, Bob, I have a perspective.
I’ve noticed when we soften (or cushion) a disputed assertion and respond first with the evidence and second by describing how it led us to a different conclusion, we can remove egos – OURS and theirs – from the interaction.
It is now easier for either party to alter their position. For instance, if the other person has evidence of which I was not aware, or vice versa, it not the opinion that is wrong, it’s merely the evidence was flawed. After all, it wasn’t MY OPINION, it was just a conclusion based upon the evidence I possessed at the time. With new evidence, I can draw a new conclusion. As a reasonable person, isn’t that what I should do?
Hi Jeff, you are ALWAYS welcome to the party, whether late or on-time. (Early would be a bit difficult for responding to a blog post, I guess) LOL. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and wisdom with us!