So, on the phone recently and I hear the sound of the words, “The fact of the matter is” coming out of my mouth. I quickly realized three things…
1. It wasn’t necessarily a factual statement. It was just my opinion.
2. Even if what I said was correct, leading with those six words was most likely going to cause resistance in the listener rather than acceptance.
3. Most people (in my opinion only) who begin spouting their opinion by saying things such as, “The fact of the matter is,” typically follow those words with something that is incorrect.
So (again, the opinion thing), when desiring to communicate a point in such a way that it has the best chance of being embraced rather than rejected, we might want to begin with something less assertive than “The fact of the matter is” and instead say something like, “in my opinion.”
But, of course, that’s just … well, you know. 🙂
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Bob
Great post.
I once heard someone say “Everyone has an opinion – if you don’t believe me, just ask them.” We all seem to have our own thoughts on things. It’s how we vocalize that thought that makes all the difference.
We must ask ourselves: When we speak, are we pushing our opinion / agenda? Are we denying the listener the opportunity to make up their own mind? Are we soliciting a debate or argument?
Tone down – is my answer. Tone down your voice so you are not coming across too forceful. Tone down the way you present your thoughts. In other words……Bite your tongue before your tongue bites you.
How about this?
“From my perspective, it seems as though…..”
Great point as always Bob.
This reminded me of something else I often hear people saying: “No offense, but…” I’m guessing that about 99% of the time I do take offense.
“From what I’ve seen” is a much better way to put it, I think 🙂 That implies that a) you realize that your point of view may not be 100% correct, and b) you have a reason to have come to that pov in the first place.
Unfounded opinions are just as dangerous as ones that like to hide themselves as facts. But that’s just my opinion!
Awesome, Renee. I certainly agree with everything you wrote! Thanks for sharing!
Bob,
The fact of the matter is, I really enjoy your blog-thanks again for putting so much time into it! In my opinion-there is no doubt that your blog is “as good as it gets”.
Steve, thank you. You just “made my day”, my friend. And that IS a fact. 🙂
Hi Ron, I love everything you wrote and agree with it completely. Great advice, my friend! And your phrase, “From my perspective, it seems as though…” is something I’ll begin to use myself.
Thank you, Joel. And, yes, those are one of those lead-in “disclaimers” that seem to have the opposite effect. Sort, of like the phrase, “I’ll be honest with you.” 🙂
OMGosh! This is sooo true Bob. I have a friend who when trying to make her opinion sound more reasonable than it really is, says “It’s a matter of fact that…” So funny, that you see it as blowing smoke where the sun don’t shine too! She cured me of ever using that term again!
Have a fantastic day!
Celene Harrelson
Hi Celene. Thank you. As the late Jim Rohn often said, “from some people we learn what to do, and for others we learn what not to do.” 🙂
Had to come back in to comment on what Joel added. “The fact of the matter is” (sorry Bob, can’t fight the urge haha) I haven’t heard that line used often where the speaker didn’t mean to offend.
On the subject of offense though (or off to the subject of being offended), I have adopted a philosophy that says, anytime I feel offended, look inward first. The reason, too often we look for reasons to be offended, and the older I get, the more I realize two things on this subject;
1. Most of the time, it really isn’t a big deal and
2. Too often, I had something to do with the offender’s motives because I had said or done something that was the cause-even if hopefully by accident.
Steve, thank you for your comments and for sharing your wisdom. I totally agree with point one; most of the time it really isn’t a big deal (especially relative to how bad things can be in the world. That kind of reframe can really keep up grounded in a positive way). Regarding point two, yes often times, that’s true. Interesting thing (in my opinion only, of course – a prhase we might be hearing a lot during these discussions today) 🙂 sometime it really IS all about the other person and their personal paradigm; how they see the world and other people. I thought the book, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz really pointed this out in a brilliant way. Steve, thanks again, my friend.
Hi Bob, Excellant blog today! I had the priviledge of meeting Rhonda Britten (Life Coach) and got ‘lazer coached’ by her in a meeting. Wow Powerful! Well, as I ‘learned’ maybe to ask if a person may want to ‘know/learn’ about the info you may have? Asking permission is quite an interesting form of communication. The sticker is,,,they may say ‘no thanks’ 🙂 Have a great day and thanks for sharing such valuable information! Diane Ebert
Diane, thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Great that you had the chance to meet Rhonda. I’ve heard terrific things about her. And, yes, that question is a good idea. If they say yes, you now have buy-in, which can be so very important. Thanks again!
I’m going to coin your opinions as “Burgian theories or principles”, like Freud, only you are much more relateable!!! 🙂 Your opinions really do matter!
All compliments aside…this is a part of honor, trust & honesty. When we stop trying to make it sound like our opinions are indeed facts & just remain open, people will gravitate to us. There is a time for facts….just not when you want to hyper-inflate the truth.
g
Great post Bob.
I have a couple of people in my life that constantly say, “The one thing is….” As if everything else said is secondary. It didn’t bother me too much at first but as it became a habit for them, part of their vernacular, and it started to drive me crazy.
It is easy to fall into these negative habits of saying, “To tell you the truth”and “To be honest”.
Good thing you caught yourself.
Frank
Hi Frank, terrific point you make, that I had not thought of. Often, these kinds of phrases become habit. We might as well replace the negative one with the more positive ones, utilizing some that a few commenters have suggested.Thank you, my friend. I appreciate your sharing!
Hmmm, “Burgian theories.” Had never thought of that (and, I have a feeling you might be the only one who has, my great friend) 🙂
I have not read that book-will put it in my list tonread – thanks Bob
Bob,
Great post, thanks for keeping us alert to these slips of the tongue.
“Well, ACT-ually” ranks right up there with “the fact of the matter” and “to be honest with you.”
I liked your “from by perspective” and Renee’s “from what I’ve seen.”
Occasionally, I may use “My experience has been…” or “I’ve come to understand that differently…”
“In my opinion, we’re simply sharing our perspective and experiences as just another way of looking at something, not the absolute final answer.
All the best
Dan Alcorn
Thanks, Dan. Funny how we’re reminded of all the different phrases that are used in these situations. Excellent reminders. I like your lead-in phrases, as well as the others that have been suggested. They all make the point that understanding is being sought.
Bob, most excellent blog today! It’s truly amazing how the choice of a few words sets up the entire dynamic for everything else that follows in an interaction…whether intentional or unintentional, and how easily these words can subsequently sink your battleship! . You’re truly highlighting the path of “divine interaction” for us! Thanks! 🙂
-Sean
Sean, thank you. Greatly appreciate your kind words and feedback! And, yes, you make an excellent point how the choice of those words set the dynamic; they “establish the frame” if you will and the rest of the conversation proceeds accordingly. Superb point! And, again, thank you for your very complimentary words.
Regarding Mari’s comment about “people don’t like to be wrong or corrected,” that reminds me of another six-word phrase that gets on my nerves during a conversation (although my brother is the only one I’ve heard use it): “That’s not what I asked you.” Grrrrr! Okay, I realize I may have misunderstood his question, but saying something like, “No, what I mean is…” and then clarifying the question (rather than implying I am an idiot) would be nicer, don’tcha think? Maybe next time he comes back with that, I’ll respond with “As a matter of fact, that IS what you asked me.” 🙂
Bonnie, LOL I hear you; there are definitely the “catch-phrases” that I allow to get under my skin, as well. I have a feeling many of us have one or more of those. Now, as a thought; could you – at a time in which there is not a conflict taking place – tactfully, perhaps with an “I-Message,” let your brother know your thoughts about this and see if he might be open to adjusting his phrasing.
Hi Bob,
Thanks for the post. It’s a good reminder for me. I want to add that it’s been my experience that people don’t like to be wrong or to be corrected. If we start our statement out with “It’s my opinion..” as you suggest, we aren’t acting like know-it-alls and people will accept our opinions more easily. Also, since it is our opinion, others don’t really HAVE to accept them and we must remember that it’s not a reflection on us. It’s okay. After all, we don’t accept every one else’s opinions as right for us.
Thanks again. Mari
Great points all the way around, Mari. Thank you for sharing!
Good post, Bob. I totally agree, these type of phrases can easily cause a rejection rather than acceptance from the other party(parties). I like the phrase, “In my opinion…”. I often use, “In regards to my experiences…”. Keep up the quality work!
Thank you, Chi Chi, I appreciate your kind feedback. And, I like your lead-in phrase, as well. Thank you!
IMHO……that’s all we really have, our opinion, isn’t it? All the media talking heads get paid for their ability to express their opinion, the facts are usually omitted. Your post is great because it reminds that we must listen first!
Phil, thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and kind words!
Great post, Bob – I love that you’re willing to use your own a (very innocent) blunder as an example to teach us to avoid doing the same. I came to offer the phrase “from what I’ve seen…”, but your fabulous reader Renee has already done that! It works for me. Thank you for this teachable moment!
Thank you, Barbara, I very much appreciate you very kind feedback!
Awesome, great point… I use the word “Let me Pre-frame this with, this is just my personal opinion” on a lot of my posts that are going to address sensitive issues… and also do that in personal dialogue a lot…
Carly: Thank you. What a great idea!