After the recent article on options regarding apologies that are not accepted, I received the following excellent question from Jodi:
“Bob, my question is on the other side of the coin. After you forgive the person who genuinely apologized, how do you get your friendship back to the way it was when the person who asked for forgiveness acts a little distant. {This}, even though they know and agreed to get our friendship back to the way it was (or close to it)?”
Jodi, thank you for asking. One interesting aspect of this is that it would seem that the person who “agreed” to the apology would be the person still acting distant. In other words, while they may have forgiven, they are still working out resentment. But, in this case, it’s the person who asked for forgiveness.
Perhaps your friend is still feeling a bit uncomfortable over what they did to cause the rift, and need assurance from you that all is completely forgiven.
Regardless, my quick answer (again, based on the very limited knowledge of the situation I have) is still the same. Basically, this is where communication comes in, being able to ask questions (perhaps using an “I Message”) that help her define her current feelings. If something is unresolved, then for the relationship to get back to where it once was or can be, it must be communicated by her, and understood and resolved by both of you.
I hope this helps. Please feel free to write back and let us know.
And, as always, I ask you, our awesome community of readers…do you agree? Disagree? Any suggestions you’d like to share that have worked for you in similar situations?
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Good post, Bob. Jodi’s question definitely raises a few questions on my end. Trust is hard to build especially, in this case, to build it back again. It seems that the relationship may not be the same as it was before…but whose to say that it can not be even better : ) Keep up the terrific work!
Great point, Chi Chi. It might be difficult to build back. If it’s worth it though, the effort will be made. And, as you said, the relationship/friendship might be even better.
Bob, this happened with a very dear friend. It was what I thought a “silly misunderstanding” and I did everything to try and correct the situation. I called, I wrote, I even sent FLOWERS! Because I know that some people take longer to get over a hurt even when they say the apology is accepted. However, in my case the person to this day has never been the same. I have talked to many people about what happened and EVERYONE agreed that she was/is just one of those people who “likes” to hold a grudge. We are talking and even now socializing again, but after a while I decided to leave it alone and see if it was true that “time heals all wounds.” I’m still waiting :)!
BTW, she was going through a divorce at the time and my husband and hers were and still are best friends. She thought we took his side, but I tried to remain neutral and it backfired.
Thank you for being you and for always having such compelling topics for conversation.
Have a super day… and then some,
Heidi
Heidi, thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. Sounds like you did all you could and it is up to her to decide whether or not your friendship ever fully repairs. Knowing you as I do, all I can say is, just keep being you. You Rock, my friend!
I agree with you Bob. This sort of thing can take time to heal, but if both parties are invested and stay the course of honesty and communication, it will happen. I have personally found, that the relationship on the other side of this situation is more rich and fulfilling, based on trust and a broader understanding of one another…Have a great day, my friend and thanks, for sharing 🙂
Wow, great wisdom, Lauren, on both parts; that both parties must involve themselves in the process, and that the relationship can become even stronger. Thank you for taking time to share that with us!
Thank you for addressing my problem, Bob! I appreciate you doing that.
I’m going to follow your advice that makes perfect common sense–Communicate with my friend to find out directly (without any assumptions) where we stand & why.
I’ll let you know what the end result is later.
Thanks again, Bob!
Great, Jodi. And, good luck. Remember to use the “I-message.” 🙂
Time heals all wounds. Many believe forgiveness is based on feelings, but it is sincerely a step of faith. Love has a sappy, butterfly-in-motion, can’t eat, anxious, blah-blah-blah feelings associated with it. Forgiveness often leaves us in a suspended state of nothingness! Like, I should hear some audible sound or something right? There is, of course, peace!
When there are unresolved issues regarding conflict, trust is in jeopardy. Someone could have accepted an apology, but the trust factor is compromised.
I used to say, “I forgive you, but I will never forget it.” This was totally because I prepared myself in advance for them to fail again. Knowing that God forgets East to West & throws our apologies or requests for forgiveness in His “Sea of Forgetfulness” never to be remembered against us anymore, helped me realize I had to do the same. The book, Anatomy of Peace, enlightened me in that I had to stop expecting them to fail….again!
That is why for me, forgiveness is a step of faith. Faith in that I choose to believe the best of them & trust them again regardless of the situation that just occurred.
You are an awesome counselor my friend!
Blessings,
g
Geneva, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. You always provide us with great food for thought!
I agree with what you advised Bob and if I could say something to Jodi, I would say,” Jodi, search your heart and be sure there isn’t something, you too, need to apologize for. If you can’t remember anything, it wouldn’t hurt to ask your friend if there is anything you have done to offend her.”
Thank you, Amy!
UPDATE:
I took your advice Bob–I communicated with my friend to find out just where we stand with each other. She told me that her distance was in no way related to our friendship, she was going through a lot of difficulties & challenges so she “shut down” WITH EVERYONE.
She called me and invited me to get together with her. I did this and I’m so glad I did. Our friendship is back to the way it used to be, no–I’m happy to say, our friendship is now actually BETTER than it ever was!
Thank you for your very good and well-needed advice, Bob!
Jodi, thank you so much for updating us. I’m very glad it worked out exactly as it did. Also, reminds us all of a lesson that we (especially, I) need to continually keep conscious of, and that is…we simply don’t know what is going on in another persons mind. Jodi, thank you again!!
how do i know if my apology was accepted truthfully. I’ve read your articles and they were quite resourceful
Hannah: Thank you for writing. Since we can never know exactly what another person is thinking, I’m not sure we can ever know for certain. However, we can look for subtle clues in terms of what the person says and how they say it. We can also ask them (again, utilizing an “I-message” and pay close attention to the what and how of their response. I’m sorry I’m not able to provide a “one size fits all” type of answer. Thank you for your kind comment about the articles. I’m glad you’re finding them to be helpful.
I love how you assumed the other party was female through there was no indication of that whatsoever. Very classy.
Dorothy: Thank you for writing. I’m sorry you feel that way about me. I didn’t at all “assume” that the other party was female. I *knew* she was because Jodi had told me so. We emailed back and forth before I posted as it was important for me to better clarify my understanding of the situation (I often do that when posting responses to reader questions) and to receive permission from Jodi before posting. Thank you again.