In the past, we’ve discussed phrases that make it easier for people to be more receptive to our suggestions.
Leading with phrases such as, “It seems to me…”, “This is just my opinion…”, “I may be wrong about this…”, “I’m wondering if…” and others accomplishes two things:
Number 1: Opens Their Mind. Yes, it makes your opinion or suggestion more palatable to the other person. As you know, a person’s ego will often stand in the way of their being receptive to another’s idea. The above phrases act as softeners to the their ego. In other words, you are not saying, “I’m right and you are wrong.”
Instead, you are allowing for the definite possibility that you might not be correct. Quite opposite from causing the other person to doubt the truth of your statement, it will actually elicit his or her being a lot more open to it. Counter-intuitive? Yes. Effective? Absolutely!
Number 2: Opens Our Mind. Another benefit accomplished with these phrases is that it also makes us ask ourselves if we are, in fact, correct.This way, we keep ourselves from making more incorrect statements than we otherwise might, and we develop the reputation with others that, when we do speak up, we usually know what we are talking about.
Have you found this to be true for you, as well? And, are there other lead-in phrases you would suggest?
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Interestingly, Bob, there are some gender difference variables that factor in here.
Women, particularly in the corporate world, have to be careful about using tentative language. Often in meetings women put forth ideas that are ignored, and later a man brings up the same or a similar idea, and the team rallies around the idea. It is a rare corporate group I speak to where most of the women have not had that experience.
One of the reasons for this is that women often use tentative language and “apologize” for what they’re about to contribute. They say things like, “I might be wrong, but…” or “I don’t know if this will work, but…” and their ideas don’t get heard. I always counsel them to say “One direction we might take is…” or “One possibility is….”. It sounds less tentative, more like they know what they’re talking about, and is more likely to be heard.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, Bob.
Hi Ava, always a bit difficult for me to respond definitively when someone brings up the gender issue because, while I’ve seen men and women use the methodology in the article equally well, the fact is, being a guy, I simply cannot see it from a woman’s view (though, just once, I’d love to know what y’all are really thinking – can I say that or was that politically incorrect of me?) 🙂 Really, I have read before regarding women using “tentative language” in a business setting and the negative results. My opinion is that much of it has to do with having an “attitude of confidence” more than the words themselves. Again, I’ve seen women very successfully use the phrases I noted in the article with great success and I hesitate to say there is a definite difference solely because of gender. On the other hand…the older I get, the more I realize I do not know. Anyone else care to weigh in on the issue? Is the difference gender more than confidence?
By the way, Ava, I liked the two phrases you suggested and I believe both women and men could benefit by using them. I don’t really feel the others are tentative (again, in my opinion, it’s the attitude behind the words) but I like your phrases a LOT.
Great topic Bob! What are your thoughts as to how this applies to writing? Should we use these “softeners” when we write?
Russ, thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Regarding this applying to writing, it depends on what you are trying to accomplish. I write with a lot of these, as you’ll notice if you go through some of my past posts. The reason is that – in my opinion (see, there’s one there :-)) – writing is simply another form of communication. And, the more we can come across in a way that is non-dogmatic, the greater the chances are people will be open to our thoughts and opinions.
It seems to me you may both be right. There is a big difference in reception when saying such things as the expert at the speaker’s podium and saying them as one of the team at the conference table. Ava’s are great for women at the conference table. They work well with clients, too. Yours, Bob, sound like a great idea to use when I’m speaking about why managers ought to manage with an eye toward avoiding the business costs of employees’ lack of marriage skills.
Hi Patty, thank you for writing. I’m a bit confused in terms of one being more applicable at a conference table and one from the lectern. While absolutely context comes into play in all walks of life, I believe that, in this case, the difference has more to do with the confidence level and emotional posture of the communicator. Just my opinion, of course. I appreciate your sharing with us.
Excellent points Bob. I do run across a problem however with avoiding using the word “but” with the phrases: “This is just my opinion…” and “I may be wrong about this…”
Think about it–what word could you use as the next word to segway (sp) into the next half of your sentence? I couldn’t think of a way to complete the above two phrases without using the word “but”.
Any advice?
Theanna
HI Theanna, thank you for writing, and for your excellent question. First, you probably wouldn’t use the two lead-in phrases together (though, you certainly could if you wanted to); either one by itself will suffice. And, regarding a word to seguay between your lead-in phrase and the suggestion you want to make…you actually don’t need any word at all. Just pause for a moment as you are transitioning and it works perfectly.
Bob,
I applaud you for saying you can’t know how women feel or what that may look like from their point of view. This is a great topic of discussion between the genders, don’t you think?
Ava,
I agree that the phrases you use are perfect for both genders. I do agree with the “attitude of confidence” and that comes after many blunders, sometimes. Women do figure it and find that voice that gets through the barriers. I don’t want to minimize the frustration we experience, but we do get it done when we are ready. Having a coach/friend in your corner that “tells it like it is” really helps!
Hi F.C., thank you for your kind words and suggestions. Much appreciated!
Bob, I agree that mindset, confidence, and emotional posture have everything to do with how one is received.
And I still believe that these two phrases in particular, “I might be wrong, but…” or “I don’t know if this will work, but…” –in general anything that takes a “but” to make the whole sentence, diminishes the power of the idea.
Bob, I don’t think we’re disagreeing at all : )
I hear you. By the way, Ava, go back to the exact words I used in the article and – just as a point of information – notice there is no “but” in there. While the word “and” could be used…it’s often not even necessary. If you’ll say the phrase and then gently transition into the suggestion it tends to be very seamless (or, is that “seemless” – I’m not sure) and effective. Yes, the word “but” can be a “diminisher” which is why I intentionally do not suggest using it in these lead-in phrases.
Great point, Bob. I did notice that. I put it in the two examples I used, as those are two things I tend to hear women say again and again–“but” included : )
At the lectern, my opinions and experiences are what people came to hear. They compete only with what’s in an audience member’s head. The decision what to do after hearing them is all theirs. Phrases like “It seems to me…” and “I’m wondering if…” are a great way to frame what might be a new option for them.
At the conference table, there is usually a joint decision to be made, and my opinions and experiences compete with the other voices at the table. I am fortunate to be a tall woman with a fairly robust voice who got her education at MIT when the ratio of men to women was 13:1 and women had to make themselves heard or go home, but I watch other women (and some quieter men) fight to be heard. In the time it takes to get to “if” or “but,” someone else is talking over them or taking their idea forward as their own. Starting with “one direction” or “one possibility” is a great strategy for starting strong but considerate of others.
Hey, Ava, you feisty woman, I just looked at your wonderful website. What exciting work! The link to download the book chapter advised me to sign up for your newsletter, but did not provide a sign-up form. How can I sign up?
Hi Patty, again, I do very much like Ava’s suggestion. Also again, context is important. While I still believe that the results have more to do with other factors than the just the words themselves (though, of course, the words are *extremely* important – I developed those exact phrases over a long period of time) I certainly understand and respect your point, and appreciate your taking the time to share your wisdom and experience with us. Also, I ask us all to note that a lectern and a crowded meeting table are only two of many contexts where discussions and opportunities for persuasion take place. Thank you again.
Absolutely, Bob. Delighted to discover (and subscribe to) your blog today!
Very kind of you, Patty. Thank you!
Love the idea of the pause, Bob.
Patty, if you go to the right side of my homepage, there’s a place to subscribe to the newsletter. If you downloaded the first chapter of my book, it should have automatically subscribed you, though.
Ava, I have now requested the download and newsletter, but I had to switch browsers to do so. The form fields in the newsletter box and in the popups for the chapter download and manifesto are not displaying in Internet Explorer 7.0 or 8.0. Thought you might like to know.
Brian Tracy uses this phrase. I could be wrong, I frequently am . . .
Hi Alice. Thank you for writing. I don’t know. Not something I’ve heard him say or read in his books, but I could be wrong, as well.
thanks, Patty!