Dale Carnegie, author of the classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People, eloquently taught that there is no winning an argument. It makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, if you lose on merit, you’ve lost.
However, even if you win on merit (showing the other person that you are right and they are wrong), you most likely still won’t move them to take the action you desire. Why? Because their ego; that all-important decision-making instrument indigenous to the human being, has been insulted.
When that is the case, though you may be able to convince, rarely will you persuade.
So, what do you do when the other person says something you know is wrong? Well, agree. At first, anyway. This can be a wonderful way to disarm the person who, most likely, expects you to argue. But you aren’t doing that. You are agreeing. And, this leads to what I call The Principle of Agreement, and that is…
“Nobody is going to argue…with himself (or herself).”
Think about it – after agreeing with him or her, might they respond by defiantly saying, “No, you’re wrong, I was…wrong!” 🙂 I don’t think so.
But, you don’t stop there!
Now you’ll go into some of the other methods of positive persuasion we discuss often in this column. A couple of good – what I call – qualifiers – you can use are “I’m wondering if…” or “Here’s what I’m thinking…” and then make your suggestion.
The key is, you’ve tactfully and effectively brought down the other person’s defenses and made them much more amenable to your about-to-be-expressed point of view. Positive persuasion is now within reach.
Do you agree? If not, agree anyway…before you persuade me otherwise, that is. 😉
Next post: An example with some specific language you can use.
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You are right Bob and here is what I am thinking…I will pass this piece of info onto my daughter..But I would also ask what do you do if the discrepancy is a power one and the ideas being shared and or imposed are not put so eloquently?
Hi Rebecca, thank you for your note. Can you explain to me in a bit more detail what you mean? I want to make sure I’m responding to the your question correctly.
Good stuff as always Bob, most choose to be right vs be happy
Thank you, Ray. However, just to clarify, I don’t mean to agree and just walk away. Finding an area where you can agree is what you do to gently disarm the person so that they will be open to your idea. The thing is that simply telling a person they are wrong will usually cause them to more strongly maintain their position. Finding an area of agreement is just the beginning of the process.
When this pops up I go through this –
Rich: Belief is so powerful for all of us. Is XYZ something you believe is true or something you think is true?
Prospect: What do you mean?
Rich: Well…if you believe it to be true, then you and I both know I can’t change that and I should get going. But if you think it to be true – maybe we can talk more about another point of view. How does that sound?
Then it can go in a couple of directions.
Good?…Bad?…Stop doing this now!?….lol
Hi Rich, I love your thought process. I would just suggest two things: First is to go into agreement mode in order to make them comfortable and non-defensive. Second is to make sure that as you you begin your questioning process, that the TONE you use is tactful. If you read through both of your questions, you might notice that it still does put them in a position where they are forced into a choice based on their previous statement. However, depending upon the circumstances and what you are trying to accomplish, it could certainly be effective. I might first – after steps one and two, run your idea past the person and see how accepting they might be of it now that you have established yourself as someone non-threatening to their original position.
Great feedback Bob!
Rich, thank you!!
Thanks for the great brain candy, Bob.
The best reason to agree with the other party is because they ARE right. Two key aspects of this jump to mind for me:
1) There is absolutely some amount of truth in their opinion. They aren’t 100% right, just like you’re not (even though it feels like it). The area where you can legitimately agree with them can be the platform upon which to build a bigger agreement.
2) If you had their experiences and had your attention focused exactly as they do, you’d probably have share their opinion. Agreeing first is a great way to discover how they see the world so you can learn from them and expand your own point of view.
Of course, it takes practice to relinquish your impulse to protect your opinion and I’m not nearly as good at it as I’d like to be. However, letting go of ownership of an opinion has opened many doors for me to create or strengthen relationships and to learn valuable new lessons.
Anyway, my 2 cents.
Hi Jim, I appreciate your very thoughtful and thought-provoking response!
Bob, truly fantastic stuff to contemplate and work on. And very timely advice for me. I’m actually going into a situation this afternoon where there’s a very high likelihood that I’ll be needing to employ (practice) some of this. I’ll keep you posted on how it turns out! 🙂
-Sean
Hi Sean. Thank you. Yes, please let us know!
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Wow, very kind of you to say. Thank you!!