In the classic, My Voice Will Go With You: The Teaching Tales Of Milton H. Erickson, by Sydney Rosen, there is a story in the foreword by Dr. Lynn Hoffman that reaches the very essence of Winning Without Intimidation:
“{There was a time} when Erickson, who as a young man sold books to pay his way through college, was trying to sell some to a crusty old farmer. The man isn’t having any and tells Erickson to go about his business. Erickson, without thinking, picks up some shingles from the ground and starts scratching the backs of the hogs the farmer is feeding. The farmer changes his mind and agrees to buy Erickson’s books because, as he says, “You know how to scratch hogs.”
I see two valuable lessons in this story as they relate to the art of positive persuasion, which is so often the focus of this blog. The first is that, sometimes, the best way to persuade is, once a person says “no”, to not try to persuade. Just, be nice. Be a “person.”
This builds up feelings of like and trust. Instead of feeling pressure, they feel relaxed. They like you. And, they now begin to trust you.
The second lesson also has to do with building trust. It is the principle of “Similarity” or “Relate-ability.” Simply put, people tend to intuitively trust those who are like them.
I’ll bet the farmer also knew how to scratch a hog. Picture the situation. Young Erickson comes by selling books. Perhaps he was “dressed to sell”, but not to a farmer, who is wearing his work clothes. No relate-ability. (You can almost hear the farmer thinking “city slicker” though, in actuality, Erickson grew up on a farm.)
Now, however, after dismissing the young man, he notices that Erickson, without thinking, simply begins to scratch the hog in a way that only a farmer would know. Instant relate-ability, instant liking, instant trusting! All of a sudden, the books become something to consider.
In practically all of my books, I discuss the importance of developing a rapport. This is most easily accomplished by finding similarities. Yes, opposites might, on some level, attract because differences can be interesting. But, to inspire like and, perhaps more importantly, trust, the similarities must be brought to the forefront.
So, when someone says no to you, don’t fight with them. Instead, pick up a shingle and “scratch some hogs.”
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Hi Bob, I like this post assuming that the boy believed the books he was sellint would be good for the farmer. It’s one thing to build rapport and trust in order to help someone. It’s quite another to build rapport and trust only to help yourself.
Sorry I missed the Big Event…next year.
Wendy
Wendy, I think that good intent needs to be assumed in this case. Otherwise we’re talking about an entirely different topic. In fact, for it not to be, that would mean that the article is about a con-artist, which I’m hoping (though, I could be incorrect) is obviously not the point that was being made. I bring this up, not to be argumentative, but to suggest that it seems as though your – what I call – “default setting” was on seeing the negative possibilities of this story. Again, I’m very open to the possibility that I could be incorrect.
A similar situation last January when I was given a trip to Nassau. Wherever I am I like to meet the real people, not just see the fancy resorts. I walked across the bridge to the city. After walking down the street and looking at houses and businesses on the main street, I went to the store then walked through a back street on the way back to the bridge. This area was not paved, the houses looked like an area that had been bombed. This man started walking toward me. I did not like the expression on his face, but I also realized that there was no where I could run to. He kept coming and I kept worrying. Then a few banty hens crossed the road. He got to me. I said “Did you see the banty hens that just ran across the street? I raised goats, pigs, hens and rabbits for 35 years.” The minute I said that, the expression on his face completely changed. He started telling me who had what kind of animal where on the island. I had changed from a rich foreigner to a normal person. I have no idea if I was really in danger, but I sure felt better when he changed.
While we can’t know what exactly was on his mind, I also believe that (knowing you as I do) your natural caring and friendliness wins people over very quickly. You are always one to reach out to others with a kind word.
Bob, I love this topic! We have all heard the phrase “judging a book by its cover” and this reminds me of that. People make very quick decisions about others when they meet them, and we are often terribly wrong! Just “being” who we are when we are faced with that type of reaction works every time. Maybe not right away, but it works!
Terrific point, my friend!
Matching the client’s “current world s/he lives in” is a wonderful thing. In communication, when someone explains to me their heightened emotions (positive or negative), I start my reply with “You know? It is normal you feel this way”, “I can understand why you think/feel this way and …”, “It is obvious that what happened could cause anyone to feel …”. I found that usually this send a message to the listener that “I got them” and they are understood.
The same thing applies when matching cultural or environmental aspects of the places I visit, similar to what Alice did with the man on the street. It send a signal that I am safe to approach and I am just a person who is adaptable.
Powerful stuff. Thanks for the post, Bob! 🙂
Thank you, Mazen. Great advice!
Bob, the minute I saw the title of this email, I knew you would be referencing one of those amazing stories about Milton Erickson, the father of permissive hypnosis!
Another important point to take from this story is that Erickson started scratching the hogs “without thinking”–in other words, he trusted is unconscious mind, his intuition, his gut reactions, and his unconscious mind took care of him.
One little comment, though–the author of the My Voice Will Go With You is in fact Sydney Rosen, not Lynn Hoffman. I often keep a copy of the book in my bathroom, next to Winning without Intimidation, because they are both great to dip into on any page!
James, you are absolutely correct. Lynn Hoffman wrote the Foreword (at least in the edition I have) but Sidney Rosen wrote the book. My apologies!!