In past posts I’ve admitted to having — for a large part of my life — a huge problem with anger. As with other areas where I felt a weakness with a particular character trait, I began to work on personal transformation. Fortunately, it is no longer an issue and most people who know me now would probably not suspect that ever was an issue.
Good. I’m glad. 🙂
Related to the anger issue, I was also a major grudge-holder. With me, it was enemies; whether deserved or created. I look back on the negative hate-energy I kept bottled up in my mind and heart and can realize how much that held me back toward accomplishing that which I desired.
Plus, since the cells which make up our body all take their signals from the mind, the physical effects of a grudge are immense. Of course, none of this bothered those for whom I held grudges. By and large, they never knew. But, considering I didn’t like them, they sure held a lot of power over me, didn’t they? It reminds me of the famous quote attributed to Gandhi:
“Don’t hold a grudge; it allows a person to live in your head rent-free.”
This Holiday Season, give yourself a special gift: let go of any and all grudges. Paraphrasing the famous milk commercial, “It’ll do your body (and mind) good.”
How do you do in the “grudge department?” Please share any thoughts you feel might be helpful, for yourself and/or the rest of us.
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Thank you for this post, Bob. I am in the midst of a miracle, and this post is so timely, I’d like to share it. My father and I do not have a happy history. I won’t bore you with why. For 62 years I have feared him and resented him and felt like a complete non-entity around him. I allowed his mannerisms to make me think less of myself. Yet because this is his first Christmas without Mom, I decided, perhaps rashly, to come and spend two weeks with him. The first few days were hard, and I filled my head with silent criticisms and sarcasm and invisible eye-rolling. He didn’t know that, so the only person I was hurting was myself, just as I always had.
Then one morning I woke up DETERMINED to maintain my sense of being a valuable person, no matter what Dad did or said. Suddenly I realized that how he behaves is not about me; it’s about him. He can’t touch who I am. Somehow that took all the impact out of the things he says and does. I made the transition from hurt child to what my therapist called the “compassionate observer”. I can hardly believe the complete turn-around in my attitude! Suddenly I’m free of my own grudge! And it gets easier and easier every day. But the magic words – my touchstone – are “compassionate observer”. They put me back in my place of well-being every time.
Blessings to you, Bob, and all the best.
Bob,
To what do you attribute your previous grudge-holding propensity? Can you pinpoint it? If so, do you care to share?
Gill
Bob-
Thank you for this.
This is a really effective, simply stated communication on a very complex issue.
I believe that when a person realizes this: “since the cells which make up our body all take their signals from the mind, the physical effects of a grudge are immense.” then the necessity of doing all the work to eliminate grudges & every negative impulse that is entertained within our mind begins to dawn.
“There is much to do. Do it now.” Beethoven
Wayne
Gill, thank you for the question. I think I’d rather hold off on that until maybe a separate blog post sometime.
Wayne, thank you. I appreciate that.
Heather, big kudos to you, my friend. Way to go! And thank you for sharing your very personal story and experiences with us.
I have learned that I can forgive someone but not trust them anymore. I can forgive and pray for the person who has hurt me, but I might not be comfortable going on a picnic with them. It’s the trust issue again.
I have different levels of forgiveness. From the level of forgiving with caution to forgiving with no remembrance of the hurt, anger, etc.
One time a person told my mom, “I believe Pam’s still mad at me over…” And my mom truthfully told her, “Pam doesn’t hold grudges, so I sincerely doubt she’s mad at you over anything.” See? I don’t even remember why I was mad, but I do remember what my mom said, and her holding a higher-self of me up to someone else is something I will always cherish.
With me, I think, the more I live, the more I realize how much I NEED forgiveness, I can’t justify with-holding forgiveness from anyone else.
Now, I’m not sure what the dis-trust issue is about, and perhaps, sometimes, that’s justified.
Hi Bob,
I’ve always been good at letting people go so A-OK in the grudge department. I could forgive others quickly.
As for forgiving myself, heck no! For the longest time I was my own worst critic. I had anger issues with myself. The tiniest thing would cause me to blow my top. When I came to love myself the anger subsided.
Thanks for sharing your insight 🙂
RB
Thanks for sharing Bob. I’m going to share that famous quote attributed to Gandhi — “Don’t hold a grudge; it allows a person to live in your head rent-free.” — with my kids who are 7 1/2 & 5 1/2. They pester each other and I’ve lately been explaining to them when you react to what each other is doing that means the other person is in control of you for nothing. You are not in control.
Then I ask them if they like it when the other one is in control. They say “no” and then tell them to work it out. LOL – it works some times.
Also, I believe that holding a grudge is a judgement of another. When in reality when we judge someone we are really judging -or- defining ourselves. We are exposing what is within us, that being why we are holding a grudge in the first place.
Bob,
Has anyone ever told you that you have great timing? (I know I have once or twice, he he)
As Christmas is now more than half over I need to come to terms with a situation that happenned just last night; I got into a fight with my mother. I know, I shouldn’t fight with Mom but we had planned on them coming over for a while last night (as we do every Christmas Eve) and she called about 3 hours prior and said that her and Dad wont be able to make it until around 9pm. I am an early riser, therefore I am normally out cold by 10pm. After being told this I was quite angry and told them that we should just plan on getting together on Christmas day. I tried as hard as I could to control the volume and tone of my feedback to dear old mom, but I know that she knew I was angry.
So we have to go over to their (mom & Dad’s) house in a while and I kind of feel like Charlie Steiner did when he was hiding under the desk in the old ESPN commercial while Evander Hollyfield is marching through the studio sporting his boxing gloves chanting; “Come on out Charlie and take your wuppin”. How do I go there … knowing that my reaction could have been better, knowing that I’m going to get a wuppin from my mother … and still keep my dignity?
Joe
Pam, you always share great wisdom with your comments. Regarding trust; sure, while you can forgive someone right away, they might need to earn or re-earn your trust. Perhaps they will, maybe they won’t; I believe that depends upon the person and the specific issue. But, forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you automatically trust them.
Ryan, I can relate to that aspect, as well. Forgiving myself for some of the things I’ve done in the past (and, I’m talking long time ago past) continues to be a challenge for me. Sounds like you are far ahead of me there. Good for you. And, I’m working on that.
Coach Steve, as usual, you share great teaching in your comments. Thank you for that wise advice and feedback.
Joe, I thank you. I’m sure that was difficult to share. If I may make a suggestion: simply apologize, fully and completely without excuses or justification. She’s your Mom, she loves you, and she’ll forgive you. I’ve done the same thing with my Folks and can feel so guilty about it (after all, they are our Folks). Mine always forgive me and your Mom will forgive you. She’ll probably feel the most badly about the fact that you feel badly because, by and large, our Folks just want their children to be happy. Best wishes for a Merry Christmas to the entire Vizi Family.
And, the same to all of you who celebrate Christmas.
Great post and so timely at the holidays…I have found that for me, I hold grudges against people even when it doesn’t directly affect me. I think its more about protecting those that I love. If I feel like I’ve been wronged, it takes a while, I will eventually let it go, but find it incredibly difficult to trust again. I’m trying (really trying) to let things go. Life is so short….thanks for the reminder.
Jami: Thank you. And, yes, I know what you mean about it affecting you more when someone hurts those you love. It makes sense. Regarding trusting the person, I think that depends on the individual and the situation. Regarding your thought on life being too short…I agree completely, and always a good thing to remember when it comes to “deciding” whether or not to hold a grudge. Thank you for your comments!