Being in control of our feelings and emotions doesn’t mean we ignore them and shut them down. It does mean we stay in charge of them. In other words, we control them rather than vice-versa. But how? While we’ve explored this topic in past articles, let’s look at another way; this in response to a question from a reader who wishes to remain anonymous:
“’Responding’ instead of ‘Reacting’ sounds great in theory, but isn’t it a lot easier said than done? Just like the person who wrote regarding people verbally attacking him, I react. It’s as though I totally lose control. I know ‘why’ that isn’t a good thing to do, but how do I just shut down my feelings and get rid of my wanting to attack this person right back?”
Great question, and a very realistic one, as well. Let’s face it. No one likes to take abuse, nor should they have to. And your feelings don’t have to be shut down, as much as controlled. An excellent method for doing this effectively is from the book Getting Past No by Dr. William Ury. He suggests “Going to the Balcony.”
No, not the kind that would be found on Broadway or Herald Square; rather the type that can dramatically affect the way you deal with others, as well as yourself, resulting in your being a lot more effective.
To paraphrase Dr. Ury:
“You need to step back, collect your wits, and see the situation objectively. To do this, imagine you are on a stage. Then imagine yourself climbing onto a balcony overlooking the stage. The ‘balcony’ is a metaphor for a mental attitude of detachment. From the balcony you can calmly evaluate the conflict almost as if you were a third party. You can think constructively for both sides and look for a mutually satisfactory way to resolve the problem.”
My suggestion is to make a game out of it. Build on your small successes. Feel proud of yourself and of your continued improvement every time this situation presents itself and you handle it well. The times you don’t? That’s okay; we all slip up. After a while, you’ll start reaching great new personal heights. Before long, you’ll be a regular “balcony person.”
Oh, and regarding the part of your question that went, “Isn’t {responding instead of reacting} easier said than done?” The answer is, absolutely yes! And, that’s why people such as you who are willing to not only learn this information but act upon it will find yourselves so far ahead in the game.
Once you master this concept, life will be a lot less stressful, a lot more fun and, most likely, a lot more profitable.
Question to readers: What other methods aside from Dr. Ury’s have you found to be effective for you that you might like to share?
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Thanks for the timely post, Bob! I am definitely experiencing the opportunity to grow in this area and appreciate it.
I recall witnessing you responding rather than reacting to something that occurred online (isn’t social media grand? :)). What could have been either been blown off or turned ugly…simply didn’t. I was so impressed with how gracefully you handled it and even more so with the cohesive outcome. It was a powerful example that I value and use as a reminder. I also refer to your Winning Without Intimidation program for many great tools along these lines.
Beautiful & thank you Bob for reminding us to not only “go to the balcony,” but to become Balcony People (Joyce Landorf Heatherley).
You’re awesome!
Blessings,
g
This can’t be coincidental that we all have this being timely. By that I mean all too often people react with anger and start yelling. I just had a recent situation happen where I was making a friendly reminder phone call to follow up on a situation and the person I was calling became irate with me for being “annoying”. Mind you he had promised the same thing over and over and had yet to deliver. I understand his anger probably came from embarrassment or an insecurity of not being able to complete the job. My initial reaction was to lay into him all he had done wrong to this point. I seriously took a deep breathe and held it and did all the screaming in my head. When I let the breathe out I was calmer and soft spoken. I asked simply for a time line he could handle, in a soft easy voice. He reacted by speaking softer and easier as well and we were able to work it out. Deep breathes and the voice in my head are my coping tools 🙂
Hi Bob,
Thanks for sharing all of these resources. I have been combining “going to the balcony” and “genshai’ and I love it! Genshai is a word out of a book called Apsire, by Kevin Hall. It means, don’t let this person treat me small and don’t respond as if he is small. When I confront with “genshai” (dont treat him small), I feel “genshai.”(I stay true to who I am), I walk away knowing there were no losers, only winners.
By practising genshai, I realize that nobody has control over my actions, except me. Its absurd that I use to say, “Well, you dont know how he treated me.” As if that were a good excuse for my bad reaction to him.
Have a great day,
Amy
We had the situation this week, were we found a former partner took away a business client we were working on 2 weeks prior. At first we were going to blow a gasket.. we did, just in the privacy of our own homes. Then we re-assessed the situation and looked for a reason of how could have this happened and what can we don next time so it doesn’t happen again. I so appreciate our president and his explanation that everything we go through is a lesson from God.. I think of God on the balcony of all our lives and if we would just go to Him, he has all the answers. The 2 other meetings we had the same day turned out to be even greater than the one that we lost by the power of 15.
Thanks again for sharing and being a friend.