As we’ve previously discussed, Gossip may be defined as “any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”
This brings up the question, “What is necessary to share?” And, “Is there a ‘test’ of sorts we can give ourselves in order to be sure that divulging this information is the correct course of action?”
Asking ourselves these questions assures us we are displaying a true concern with doing what’s right and using our gift of speech correctly and ethically.
To answer the first question: If divulging a particular piece of information would protect someone’s health (i.e., physical, emotional, financial, etc.), then not only is it “okay” to share it but, according to the Laws of Proper Speech, it’s a requirement to do so.
In other words, one is allowed to communicate information that reflects negatively on a person if there is a clear, positive, constructive purpose – such as, you are trying to help the person with whom you are sharing it. There is a big difference between relating that someone is a convicted embezzler simply for entertainment value, and warning a person who is considering hiring that person as their bookkeeper.
To answer the second question regarding a qualification process in order to ensure we are acting properly in our disclosure of said information, let’s refer to an expert in this area.
Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir, Director of the Business Response Forum at the Center for Business Ethics, Jerusalem College of Technology, suggests that disclosing information you believe would be helpful is subject to, what he calls, the “ABC’s of disclosure”*
According to Rabbi Meir, You should make sure:
The information is *A*ccurate.
That disclosure is critical to achieve some *B*enefit.
That you are *C*ertain of the information.
That your *D*esire is constructive.
That the information will be used for benefit in an *E*quitable way.
Of course, he also suggests asking yourself, “Is revealing the information *necessary*?”
One more qualification I’ve heard from several teachers on this topic that I believe is very important: relaying this negative information should not in any way be joyful. If it is, it might be gossip. Any time we must share information that reflects badly on another should be a source of discomfort for us. Sometimes, however, it is indeed the right thing to do.
———-
*Rabbi Meir’s, “ABC’s of disclosure” was excerpted from another article published by JTC copyright 2002).
Special Note: The information in these articles regarding the topic of Gossip are based on Lori Palatnik’s and my 2002 book, Gossip: Ten Pathways To Eliminate It From Your Life And Transform Your Soul.
Enjoy this post? Receive an update when our next post is published by entering your best email address below and clicking Get Updates.
As always Bob, a thought provoking post. I like the ABC..D&E to consider when sharing news with others. And my pause is on the definition of *B*enefit – the idea of who it may be of benefit to may be skewed a bit when sharing information. The old WIIFM factor may kick in. So maybe we jump all the way to *P*ause before sharing. Or then there is *P*ermission (guess I am liking the letter P this morning), get permission prior to releasing information. I love the question to ask oneself first, “is this necessary.” And my guess is when we consider all the letters of the alphabet and the power a good word makes, there are many other things we could talk about.
Bob
Always so enjoy your posts. This one though really, really hit home for me.
Over the last year, I watched a seemingly respected guy on Twitter leave a path of destruction in the hearts and pocketbooks of so many quality people. I wasn’t the first to discover how big a fraud he was, but I was on the early end.
Was it my place to warn everyone, or just those whom were good friends, or no one.
I agonized as I watched this guy’s game playing play out on Twitter. Ultimately, I chose to mind my own business.
Was troubled by my decision, but then really pained when I met someone who was burned bad by this (no) character guy. This woman, whom I so admire, queried me as to when I learned the guy was such a fraud. Ouch! I knew the guy was a fraud while, I now know, he was sucking her dry of money.
All of which goes to show that the issue you raise is very real, and worthy of thought.
I love the ABCDE approach you have offered up. All that I would add is that somewhere and somehow legal risks need to be added to the equation. There are Good Samaritan laws to protect those trying to help those in distress (under some circumstances). But, I don’t believe these laws are meant to deal with slander and libel claims. Although truth is a defense to such claims, the mere cost of defending oneself from speaking ill of another –even if true – has to play in some.
Tough issues, but ones I am grateful that you served-up for us to ponder.
This is a little tricky… on the one hand you want to help a friend by saving him / her from making a wrong decision, and on second thought you’re afraid that if you tell him or her the bad news, you will look like THE bad person.
I’ve been there a few times, the bearer of bad news. On one occasion, my intentions were not that pure – my hurt ego prevailed more than the goal of telling the truth. This was when I was younger and fresh out of college. I warned a whole factory and a whole town that my former boss was a scumbag, etc. etc. Looking back, who was I to save an entire operation from this guy? Was it really necessary to take matters into my own hands? I was so vindictive, it was all ego.
On another occasion, fast forward almost 10 years later – I wanted to save my friend from making a possibly bad decision. He was deceived and lured into accepting a job offer in a company where i would invite no one to work, because i knew what was going on. At least 90% of it. I cared about my friend – but he did not listen to me. He chose to trust a stranger, over me. I did not take it personally, but I feared about him, his future, his family’s future. I eventually left the company and things went downhill there.
My friend and I are still friends, I’m thankful for that. I’m also thankful that even if he made that decision which i tried to prevent, God took care of him, still is.
So in the end Bob, people make their own decisions. When we feel compelled to give important information, it would be good to examine our intentions and think carefully of how to effectively deliver the information. It may or may not be of use to them – what’s important is we respond to the call of the moment, because we know when we are on the other end, we want to be told too, or warned, right? Golden rule.
Bob, Good article but a oh so difficult subject!! All of the previous posts offer valid and valuable insights.. however this IS a tricky subject to cover as every situation may contain unique circumstances. One comment I would like to add is regarding your idea of sharing the information about someone if someone’s “health” defined by you as physical, financial, emotional, etc. is in jeopardy. The person whose health is potentially endangered can be either the person you are “talking about” and telling someone else in order to help that person or you can be “warning” someone about a person who can potentially cause harm in one way or another. Unfortunately, as noted in previous comments from others, the idea of “Paying it Forward” has it’s risks that need to be considered as well. A person that is the type to cause harm may a vengeful or retaliatory type of person who if found you are sharing “the truth” may try to harm you. I am not suggesting that exposing someone is not the proper thing to do but the how and to whom should be weighed and thoroughly examined in order to prevent or minimize any risk to yourself.
Even when armed with the facts and the proof sometimes letting the truth come out is the best way. Faith that the truth WILL prevail is in some cases the better option.
Again, I commend you for addressing the topic and welcoming feedback. As in many things in life, all options need to be considered, before taking action. Thanks for opening up our minds to ponder those questions and decide a course of action that is best given all the variables.
Bob,
Thank you for your very thoughtful post on when to divulge information. I agree that having “a clear, positive, constructive purpose” is a necessary requirement. However, I believe that it is not good enough to merely have good intentions. We must also have a reasonable belief that divulging the information will actually have the desired positive effect. Otherwise, the negative consequences of our actions are likely to outweigh the positive ones.
Also, when we pause to think in this way before we divulge the information, we are more likely to take care that the manner in which we present it will make it more likely to be accepted. That’s a lot better than saying, “Oh well, I tried”.
Carl Ingalls
Bob,
It’s been a while since I read your & Lori’s Gossip book. This fabulous post is a reminder to read it again. There are so many valuable reminders of social etiquette we tend to let slide. Just like diet & exercise, I know what to do. Yet, sometimes it’s so easy to do something else and fall prey to the world, or as Jeannie put it, “lured.”
So, how do I politely pass these posts on to others who might need them more than your average reader without being obvious?
Love you lots n lots,
Tami