Monday morning, just after 8am. Sitting at my desk, I was enjoying a delicious cup of – what else? – Dunkin’ Donuts coffee; relaxing while reading some blog posts, articles, political thought, and feeling appreciative and grateful.
Then, suddenly, while reading one commentary, I was so offended that my mood shifted. About five seconds later I knocked over my coffee cup, spilling a lot of coffee all over my desk, ruining some papers, getting under the computer keyboard and generally making a huge mess.
What to do now?
Admittedly, years ago, words would have spewed out of my mouth representing rage and anger having much more to do with me and where I was personally than with the jerk who wrote the commentary (albeit, he’d still be a jerk). 😉 And, my subsequent actions would not have been much better.
But, over the past 20 years or so I’ve worked on myself pretty steadily and consistently and believe that my response was a lot more productive. I did the following:
1. Took Responsibility for who spilled the coffee. It wasn’t the jerk; it was the klutz. 🙂 Yep, I did it, not him. I reacted to a stimulus, but it was I who reacted (not responded).
Time for a “Re-frame.”
2. Responded to the event. I saw the situation for what it was; an inconvenience but certainly not a catastrophe.
3. Cleaned up the spill. The correct action is always important.
4. Shifted to a gratitude focus as I cleaned. For example: no one died, the soaked papers weren’t that important, my keyboard wasn’t ruined, I got to re-learn a lesson about why “good feelings” serve us while “bad feelings” may elicit our spilling coffee over our desks. 🙂
My great friend, Performance Coach, Lorena Heletea and I had just exchanged a couple of direct messages on Twitter right before all this happened and when I wrote to tell her, she wrote that my “thoughts and actions are not in sync.”
That would absolutely have been a very logical conclusion based on the friendly tone of our direct messages. It was immediately after I had shifted to a negative feeling that my action become extremely aligned with my thought:
“Negative thought equals negative action.” WOW!
So, I guess there are supposed to be two main points to today’s post.
1. Positive thoughts generally result in happier and more productive actions than do negative thoughts.
2. A seemingly negative occurrence can become an excellent opportunity to remind us that we are responsible for our thoughts (and actions), to re-frame, to take positive action, and to get back to the thoughts that best serve us.
Now, back to Dunkin’ for another cup of coffee.
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Boy, do i feel you on this one for sure!
Each morning I find myself with the opportunity to reframe – or as I call is shift my thinking. As a matter of fact did it this morning. Now I feel cleaner, fresher and happier.
Love your daily lessons
Hey Bob,
Thanks for sharing this little story and like so often before you just hit the nail right on the head with your short post. I had a rather unpleasant meeting waiting for me this morning and used the same techniques to reframe my thoughts and feelings while waiting for the meeting to take place. First of, I asked myself what the worst outcome could be. After I -of course- realized that nobody was going to die or suffer from any other terminal threat I already sensed a wave of calmness dripping into my mind. Then I took the positive expectancy approach and envisioned the meeting with the best possible outcome I could realistically think of. And believe the next thing to absolutely true…I took one of my favorite books from the shelf which happens to be the “The Go-Giver” and dove into the beloved tale. I was hence in a pretty good mood when the meeting took place and the outcome of that meeting was almost as good as my best expectancy.
That´s a long reply 🙂 Anyway, thanks for your continuous great work. Keep it up and coming
Mirko
Hello Bob,
This so aptly applies to a situation I am presently addressing with my church. I am being faced with the challenge of helping the leadership see how their handling of situations can create alienation when they are in fact trying desperately to create community. Thank you for your insightful posts. it is such great reinforcement for knowing that we create our own realities moment by moment.
In Gratitude,
Lucia
Thanks Bob. This resonates with our yesterday’s evening conversation at home. We have decided to focus this week on getting the habit of keeping our thoughts in check and respond correctly to the happenings of our lives i.e. taking the events for what they really are without letting them control us instead of the other way round.
Have a great day!
Love your post, Bob:-) I always find it interesting when I read a FaceBook post from someone who has a difficult morning and they immediately go to “I hope it isn’t going to be one of those days” or “Oh boy, this is going to be a bad day”. This, instead of seeing the ‘difficulty’ as an opportunity to learn how to stay centered and grounded as you did. Bravo and thanks for the authentic share.
Yikes…gotta hate spills on the keyboard! The thing I respect the most about you is how you are so candid or “Human” with your audience. How many times do we allow “jerks” whether a person or our immediate response to a situation hold us captive while possibly creating an even bigger mess? When we do allow our emotions or reactions dictate our responses, the “jerk” is in control. Sorry…I have allowed one too many jerks to do that! I have to make a conscious decision as an act of MY will to re-frame, respond correctly, & accept responsibly. Emotional Intelligence (Emo Intel) is a constant & continual process for me. I’m not always on the right side, but there is Grace through the process right?
Forget the “jerk” & their comment. YOU have enough peeps in your corner to rally who you truly are! A most loved, appreciated, trusted, highly respected & regarded soul!
Cheers! (pointing cup of coffee away from keyboard as you cyber toast!)
g
Another right-on-the-target post. Your stories are powerful Bob – they combine authenticity, accountability, and action. Wonderful recipe for success. Thank you for always being so real with us and inviting us to be real too.
Great blog post Bob!
I was doing my radio show today and touched on something similiar…our ‘hitting a wall’ is all mindset and that we can change how we ‘react’ to things!
I’m grateful and thankful that I learn something new each time I read one of your posts!
Jody In Beautiful BC 🙂
Maybe Lesson three is that you have made a conscious decision to become the type of person you are. It takes practice and conscious thought to have that behavior become your default position. It’s a good reminder that change is possible.
Thanks for this story, Bob. It’s such a great reminder to stop and consider what’s going on in our thoughts when “things” seem to be going wrong. Hmmm, I wonder if this is where that old saying “Don’t cry over spilled milk” comes from?
Instead of being angry or crying about the accident – which only perpetuates our downward spiral — simply cleaning up the mess and acknowledging the amazing power we have to watch and direct our thoughts stops the spin, and we are back on track. (And perhaps back to Dunkin’ Donuts for another coffee?)
Great reminder to me as I start my day to check my thoughts the way I would check the oil in my car before beginning a trip:)
Good thinking and good coffee go together. And I would rather have bad coffee and good thinking because everything tastes better with a good taste in one’s mouth. thanks for the reminder! – Tom
Great article on such a common human experience. How many times during the day do we encounter a “jerk” only to find ourselves creating a problem and possibly becoming a jerk ourselves.
The one comment I’d like to add, and this takes practice, to genuinely shift your perspective to then events that have happened. Re-framing can be powerful when one takes the time to release the negative energy and connect with the opportunity. You can still get some benefit, though not as much, by talking yourself into the reframe.
I know you’re aware of the distinction, especially since you work with a coach.
Once the dust has settled I look at these events as an opportunity to learn something about myself and how I might act (rather than re-act) in the future. I might ask, why was I so bothered but what I read? If I’m feeling angry, what about what I read seems invasive or invalidating to me personally?Is it the reason really true or just an emotional reaction to something that’s happened in my past?
Thanks for sharing!
Larry
Nothing like immediate feedback to see the value of positive versus negative thinking!
For the last month, my boyfriend and I have said affirmations from Zero to Zillionaire, by Chellie Campbell. We take turns each day. One reads them out loud and the other repeats them. Fun! A great positive start to the day. We enjoy telling stories in the evening about how we manifested them.
Thanks for sharing your “humanness” Bob.
Reframing our actions gives us a better opportunity to learn the lessons involved. Anger only clouds our thinking where self-reflection refines it.
Alex
Great story, Bob. And great that you took response-ability, and chose a positive/powerful response to the situation. We all know so many people who would have let that ruin their entire day!
This is why you are my mentor. I love you.
Wow, y’all did it again; completely overwhelmed me with a combination of wise insights and complimentary feedback. Thank you so much!!!!!
I had spent quite some time cleaning up my “colorful metaphors.” I didn’t know how well it was going though until I was cleaning up after a Chamber meeting. With a couple of members standing nearby, I dropped a large a-frame sign on my foot, cutting my toe.
All I said was “Ohhh, owww” … they were very impressed.
I sure was grateful for that practice!
Thanks for reminding me to keep working on my non-reactions Bob.
Hey Bob!
I loved reading your post and wanted to chime in — how wonderful it is to hear your insights over a naturally bothersome situation. Thanks for sharing your real situation, and showing us how to reframe a negative into a positive. Great teaching. As we all become more aware, we can spread that ripple effect of awareness to others… and continue making more “win-win” situations.
Keep up the great work, Bob!
I’m your fan always! 🙂
Bob,
I loved reading this post and all the comments. Lately I have not been on Facebook, busy with an event. 🙂
There is so much credence and truth in these observations. For one, I have observed that when I have been impatient, curt, short sighted, the outcome of negativity in actuality is within me, only creating more adversities. Positivity begets positive outcomes.
Recently I have been embracing Ben Franklin’s 13 Virtues (except I have recreated my own). It has been a blessing, a huge gift to become an even better person. This week’s virtue is: ‘celebrating the small stuff’. Today, so far, I have had at least 7 celebrations. I am truly blessed to know you! Hugs ~ Caryl
Bob,
The point I loved the most is about responding versus reacting – tha t does take training of one’s self over time. It’s a lesson that is ongoing. I’m always grateful to be reminded of it.
Another wonderful post 🙂
Grateful to have friends like you in my life Bob. Little reminders keep us on track.
Awareness is probably one of the most important aspects of life. Being involved in self development obviously got you to understand what causes you to act that way and to get the results you were getting in that moment. Daily Self Development/Motivation is definitely the key to success in all areas of life. Learned that if I want to win in life first place to begin is to take responsibility for my actions and that is exactly what you did as well. Some people get caught up in blaming the circumstances or other people for what happens to them – that is a game will never win.
I’ll finish with a powerful statement that helped me and possibly will help others as well. My mentor Bob Proctor will often say – Self Development/ Self Motivation doesn’t work and so doesn’t shower unless done daily.
To your success Bob.
Lorena
On a absolutely anecdotal consideration (according to my experiences over 16 years- having said that not a huge volume of those rather maybe a fair hundred) i might say that evidence stacks up.