Recently, I posted the following on Facebook:
“My stray cat, Liberty, left a mouse’s head on the patio for me this morning. Not a dead mouse, the head of a dead mouse! I think that cat has been watching too many movies lately. Hmm, what is she trying to tell me?” 🙂
As a note, while I’m just now learning about cats, I did know that cats show appreciation to their humans by bringing them dead stuff. What was so amusing to me was the head looking very much like a miniature version of the one from the famous movie.
Now, as opposed to the three responses I typically receive when posting something I feel is quasi-profound, this one brought – on both pages combined – over 70 responses. Which tells me I’m not nearly as quasi-profound as I quasi-think I am.
Many of the responses (along with some teasing from my friends, Dondi Scumaci and Dixie Gillaspie, who are amused with the irony that I call Liberty “my stray” cat – Dondi simply refers to her as “Bob’s cat”) found some good lessons in the post.
Several people, including Dixie, Debbi and Edie talked about seeing “value” from the other’s point of view. Yes, while the mouse’s head held no intrinsic (or, for that matter, extrinsic, or, for that matter, any!) value to me, it did for Liberty. Because she valued it, their terrific point suggested that I should at least value the thought, if not the gift itself. And, in that sense, I would be valuing the gift.
A couple people took the lesson that we should be careful to choose the gifts we give to others based on how they might value it.
Both excellent lessons reminded me of a book I read many years ago by Dr. Gary Chapman entitled, The Five Love Languages. The basic premise is that there are five types of ways in which we feel loved. They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. While most of us have all five to a certain extent, usually one is primary and much more dominant than are the others.
Here’s the rub: In the same way that we, as human beings, tend to assume that our Belief System is everybody else’s Belief System, we also tend to believe that our Love Language is the other person’s, as well, even if we don’t know anything about Love Languages.
Thus, if one partner’s Love Language is acts of service and the other’s is physical touch, the first person wonders why their thoughtful acts of service are never appreciated? And also doesn’t understand why the other partner doesn’t think of providing acts of service to them.
The fact that this is taking place on an unconscious level means that not only are the two people not “speaking” the same language…they don’t even know they are not speaking the same language, or that there is even a language such as this to be spoken!
The basic Love Language principles taught by Dr. Chapman are not only for couples but – as suggested by his now many books on the topic – for anyone. So, from this moment on, after determining your Love Language as well as the other person’s, be sure and stay conscious of both.
Or, you could just adopt a stray cat. But, watch out for those mouse heads. As a couple of Facebook commenters suggested, the cat could be part of a catnip Cat-tell, a member of Al-Catta or, perhaps even the Catra Nostra.
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I am not sure what to do first laugh or…ok Bob, I laughed. That you tied a wonderful book and valuable concept to a ‘mouse head’ that you view as a GIFT, cracks me up!
And I love that you drew the picture for us that while our individual, at the core, need for receiving and giving love are not always reciprocal by those closest to us. As the analogy with the lovely Miss Liberty depicts, we may (and I would offer, often do), give gifts that put off those we want to most draw close. The good news, it often can easily be solved with a powerful question or thoughtful conversation to get to the “heart” of the matter. I learned that in the first year of marriage, of course only after calling our Pastor to report that “I made an awful mistake” 6 months in – I couldn’t figure out what he needed and EVERYTHING I tried to do felt like it backfired. It took conscious conversation vs. looking at every encounter as you may have looked at that mouse head, to get to the root of the opportunity.
So as you made the compelling call to action to remain ‘conscious’ to both sides of the love language equation, I would add to converse with the other half of the equation. It can make all the difference.
Bob,
I love your sense of humor!
And on top this post is really “quasi-profound” lol. I just hope you thought of sending a thank you note to your cat (with your pic and phone number etc…).
That cat also deserves “Mouse en croute” on a regular basis for teaching us through you the value of friendship and appreciation.
Hugs to Liberty!
Great stuff!
I did read about the mouse head gift from Liberty & quickly realized she is so in love with her new human! My stray ally cat, who I wouldn’t even recognize if I saw “it”, started with small giftings. Then….when “it” left a dove, I decided I needed to learn cat speak. I feed the cat almost daily & during the winter place a nice, covered, warm bed for “it.” I think once I saw a cat spending the night on the bed, but….am not sure if “it” was my gifter. I just understand “it” feels the love.
The books, 5 Love Languages & 5 Love Languages of Apology were both huge eye openers when they came out in our biz as the book of the month. I have always answered the question, “Why did you divorce?” with the answer, “Communication breakdowns.” I quickly realized this was only partly true once I read those books. Communication is a huge factor & being able to communicate the appropriate love / apology language is critical. We used 5LL as a book club book. Someone said as they were listening to a Christian Radio Station, a caller, through tears, said she lived her entire life of over 40 yrs. feeling unloved by her entire family. She felt like an alien! Once she read 5LL, she realized they loved her, but she spoke a completely different language. How very sad? I was able to attend that particular book club here in Texas & then fly the same day to Atlanta for the one there. The results from from those 2 groups reading just this one book were profound.
Personally, I realized acts of service is not something that makes me “purr”, (I embrace the other 4!!) yet I love to serve. Also…I expected my son to perform chores, yet I neglected to affirm him on doing so. In my eyes, that was just a part of his “duties” & why did I have to compliment him on doing what was expected? One of his love languages is affirmation. Yikes…..Mom had to switch gears fast. He has heard his entire life, upon saying he was “sorry” these words from me….”Now apologize” Once reading 5LLOA, I knew why I said those things. I also realized why I went into such great detail when I was apologizing for doing something wrong to another person. Their language could have possibly been OK with a simple, I’m sorry! Yikes again….
Unless we choose to live in a cave completely removed from society, we deal with people on many levels. I have used those books in my weekly workplace devotions. I even had them on a list of must reads during my devotion this past Monday. While discussing Family as #2 of the 8 F’s of Life, I reflected on my past suggestions of knowing how to talk to your family & even co-workers using their language.
Relational skills are learned. Even if we speak the same love language, there are different dialects. In a stressful world where one sentence can make a difference, we need to not only make it count, but not impose our “language” on someone. It isn’t Greek….it’s love!
Individuals matter & so should our words!
I appreciate you as a profound sage! {BTW…I had to look up the definition of quasi 🙂 }
g
And just stay open to keep receiving them Bob!!! Great tie in to the 5 Love Languages – I really absorbed the book when I read it many years ago, which reminds me I need to pass it along to a friend.
Thanks for your observations, Bob. I had purchased & read this book (The Five Love Languages) when my kids were in preschool and it has come in handy throughout their lives and mine! My preschooler is now 16 and the tools still come in handy.
Great post AND perspective as always Bob!
First I have to point out, that they don’t always bring you dead gifts. My ‘stray cat’ dropped a ‘present’ in my lap a month or so ago as I relaxed in the dark on my front porch. It was a LIVE baby copperhead. Not exactly my kind of gift! LOL!
In any case, you make a great point. Value is in the eye of the beholder.
This is one of the biggest challenges that I see for business owners, they project their beliefs, and their language on the customer.
Often this shows up as them undervaluing themselves, as they simply can’t see how valuable their information or offering is (afterall, they know how to_____ so they can’t imagine not having that gift – or paying for it). In other cases they THINK they are providing a great value, but it holds little value to their audience.
I learned this [quite painfully] last year. I had opened a co-working studio (aka a place for work at homers to come & get out of the house & coffee shop, use workspace, conf. rooms, wifi, etc).
It ‘seemed’ like a brilliant idea. There are thousands of them around the world. I did tons of research, etc. On paper it all ‘made sense’. Everyone LOVED the place, LOVED the IDEA, etc. Yet, only a few were willing to pay to use it. I made tweaks and changes, pricing adjustments, etc. I questioned the economy, the location, and more. One day I was at a fundraiser with a 100 or so local biz owners. I had offered up a free month for the auction. NO ONE made a single bid. At any price! Nothing, zip, zero, nada! It felt like a punch in the stomach, but the lesson was that for whatever reason, it had NO value to my local market. It didn’t matter how much it was valued in NY, or LA, it simply didn’t hold the same value HERE for THEM. Perhaps it would have for the ‘techie market’, but I knew I didn’t speak that language. People told me to ’embed myself in their community’, but I knew that wasn’t “me” and I couldn’t be authentic in that.
So I learned that sometimes the best thing that you can do is “ask”.
Instead of guessing, or assuming, ask.
After reading Chapmans book a few years ago, I tried and tried to figure out what my kids’ language was. Then it finally occurred to me to simply ask them. I asked “how do you know that your dad and I love you?”
The answers were surprising to me.
One said “because you help me with my homework and do stuff with me”, the other (my youngest) said (with the look that only an 8 yr old can offer:)
“duh, because you tell me mom!”
Well, there ya go 😉
I just love this post.
Thx Bob for sharing this.
Rgds from far away.
Bob,
I get where you’re coming from on wondering why our “profound” remarks (haha) get many fewer comments sometimes than our more “trivial” ideas. I see the most comments on pictures of food and stories about new shoes 🙂
I think your profound comments are always read, appreciated and thought upon. But something like like a dead mouse head (Good kitty!) just can’t go uncommented upon.
Beth
Bob,
I look at this in a different light…the cat collects stray humans.
They arrive in our life to teach us lessons.
He most probably has a name for you in the cat world! Loyalty would about fit?
There are many lessons that we learn from being responsible for and caring for
these savvy creatures.
I hope this brought a chuckle to brighten your day.
Zee
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. Please know that I read every one of your comments and I read them slowly and thoroughly. There was some truly outstanding wisdom shared in your comments. Thank you so much!!
I really love where this whole conversation has gone. I appreciate the insights brought from one “gift” and the gift of the conversation that has followed. I especially like how you tied it in to the 5 Love Languages.
I had one conversation this week when the communication was not crystal clear and it would be easy to misinterpret what the intent of the conversation was. Instead of reacting to the poor choice of words, I thought to myself- “mouse head” and it put things into perspective. Once I recognized the “gift” the method of delivery no longer mattered.
I love this post and this discussion. Wow! Give Liberty a proper scratch for us!
Debbi, that is a great lesson you shared with us. Thank you!
Dondi, much appreciated! And, will definitely give her a scratch for you. I know she’ll tell me to thank her “Aunt Dondi” 🙂