The following question is actually a “compilation” of questions I’ve received from many readers in the past:
“Bob, I can see where so much of ‘Winning Without Intimidation’ works for those who, when in conflict with another, can control themselves the way you suggest. But what about those of us who, for example, have a temper that cannot be controlled because it’s just a part of our basic makeup and we cannot change it?”
Thank you for writing. I so appreciate your question because, just by asking, it shows you have a desire to change even though, right now, it may seem like a virtual impossibility. Please don’t worry. It’s very possible. In fact, you can overcome this and the quality of your life will improve dramatically as a result.
By the way, please know you’re not alone. I can relate. As I’ve shared before, anger was a major problem for me for a large part of my life. Once you’ve successfully conquered your anger challenge, then, for the rest of your life, you’ll wonder why you ever allowed yourself to go so long without overcoming this very destructive trait and, instead, adopting the characteristic of inner peace.
In fact, the character trait of anger is a common one and I’m sure many readers were nodding their heads in agreement as they read your question.
* Please note that, for the sake of this discussion, I’m talking only about unhealthy anger. There is a time and place for legitimate anger and how to effectively channel that for a positive outcome. Here we are only discussing the negative and counter-productive variety.
The Sages asked, “Who is mighty?” and answered, “That person who can control their inclinations.”
In Part Two we’ll begin looking at some steps you can take master this trait…and master yourself.
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Great timing!
I have had a few people over the past few weeks just lash out over simple things. It takes alot to get me angry & I have learned to channel that by thinking of what the best solution would be rather than acting in such anger. Usually my 21yr. old son is the brunt of the ONLY times I get angry. Trash, cleanliness in my house, etc. I can deal with everything else in my life somehow!
I have noticed two types of people, although there are alot more! One type harbors emotions until there is a explosion. The 2nd. lashes out uncontrollably anytime something “sets them off.” Both realize the error after the fact, and are sometimes repentant. The fact is….the damage is done and each time, takes more time to repair. Learning how to exercise emotional intelligence or “controlling their inclinations” is such a tremendous & critical life adjustment necessary to function. This would contribute not only to the health of relationships, but their physical health as well.
Can’t wait til part 2!
I appreciate you!
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Good morning, my friend. As you know, anger comes from past events that we’ve stored as energetic blocks…seriously 🙂 There’s never ‘that big wall’ that keeps us from being healthy, happy and whole. It’s whats behind us that we need to examine and release. Enough for so early in the morning! Be well, be happy.
This is such an important topic Bob – glad you are tackling it. Like your readers, my conflict management participants often feel they have no control over the inevitable physiological response which accompanies the emotion of anger. Outbursts seem to be the natural outcropping of that adrenaline surge…. especially if someone is already hardwired (hotwired) with an “expressive” temperment. No surprise considering how very few good role models most of us had around the skill of managing anger.
Of course, poor anger management swings both ways… it can look like uncontrolled rage, or equally as unhealthy .. internalized rage. Although let’s be honest, internalized rage eventually combusts.
As a woman especially, I can attest to the prevalent “bad” messaging and social conditioning around anger – as though anger is always bad. Who hasn’t heard, “If you’ve got nothing nice to say…” And so we swallow it…hard. Ugh.
The good news, as you’ve alluded Bob, is that anger can be used as a tool, rather than a weapon. And I look forward to reading more about this topic in your followup post.
Love your work Bob.
Crazy as it sounds, acupuncture (and chinese herbs) can be a really useful adjunct to anger and stress management. Just ask any man whose wife I’ve treated for PMS. 😉 Seriously though, chinese medicine sees anger as something that often stems from the body’s imbalances as opposed to merely affecting the body (muscle tension, heart pounding, raising blood pressure, etc.) Mental anger feeds into the body’s anger feeding into the mind’s anger, etc. It’s a descructive loop that chinese medicine can help break.
But dealing with the body is only part of it — I can’t wait to hear the cognitive & habitual methods you’re going to discuss!
Bob,
Thank you for writing on the subject of anger. There was always lots of anger in my family.
I used to think I inherited a bad temper. Then I realized that as an excuse a lot of people use to
be upset and react to things rather than respond.
Mastering the art of “Forgiveness” really helps. When you can quickly forgive yourself and others
anger dissipates just as quickly.
Bob you have been fortunate to have a father who instructed you in the wisdom of the Sages.
You have learned well and you are a great example.
Thank you, everyone, for your excellent comments. These were all really terrific, and much appreciated!!