A reader who offered a small amount of his services to a local organization at no cost in order to establish value and trust, got “more than he bargained for.” His letter (reprinted with permission and with blank lines used in place of descriptive words) read:
“Bob, I’m stuck for a solution. I offered to __________ for the founder of a series of networking events I just recently started attending. He agreed. In exchange, he offered me an event sponsor table at each monthly event. I wasn’t expecting that – I just wanted to do something to contribute to the success of this event.
“After __________ I also __________ in order to create even more value to what I had already done.
“I’ve created a monster. Now he’s expecting me to do this for all of the events he is running. In addition he’s asking for __________ as though it’s expected. And, believe it or not there are a few other things that require too much detail to go into.
“I’m feeling like there’s a whole lot going out on my part, but very little come in.
“As I stated, I was doing this to genuinely contribute to the success of the event. I’m starting to feel somewhat taken advantage of, I’m like an employee without compensation.
“I’m asking for some advice on a tactful way of conveying to him that it requires a lot of work to do what he wants, as well as the fact that my services aren’t cheap. This is really starting to become a burden, instead of something I enjoy doing.
“Any suggestions???”
———-
First, thank you for writing. I’m sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It’s not particularly uncommon. And, I used your entire letter instead of simply summarizing it in order to be able to illustrate how far these situations can go.
With that said, the good news is that the solution is fairly simple.
Politely communicate that, while you’re honored he enjoys your work, your original intent was just to provide some really good value to him and the organization, both to contribute and to demonstrate value and build trust in you and your work. Continue by letting him know – politely and with no negative emotion whatsoever – that, for the work he’s now asking you to do, while you are honored to be asked, you would need to begin charging since that is what you do for a living . And, that if that’s something he is interested in doing, you’d be delighted to work with him.
If he says no, that is your out. If he says yes, great!
Regardless, as long as you respond in such a way that you “thank him for the honor of asking” and then explain the parameters of actually doing it, you can’t go wrong.
I hope that helps.
Friends, want to add something? And, of course, if you feel I missed the mark, please sing out. We can all learn from each other.
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This was so well put Bob! The key is keeping the negative emotion out of the interaction. I have been faced with this situation more than once. For me, the key is giving myself enough time to get the emotion out before I respond to the request.
The only thing I could possibly add is don’t let this one experience sour you on the approach you are taking. You know how to extricate yourself from this situation now, the key in the future would be to prevent this situation from arising at all.
The way to do that would be to set expectations up front. Make your offer to do it for a month or 3 months but let them know that this is not a permanent situation. As you close out the free period you may find that she/he offers to retain your services.
My experience in the small business market is 99% of the business owners are honest hard working people, but they are busy and communication is the key. Set those expectations up front and avoid the issues down the road.
Thank you, Susan. Very true. Giving yourself time between the “stimulus and the response” is great, in and of itself, and it dramatically increases one’s effectiveness! Thank you for sharing.
Paul, excellent, excellent advice. Setting your expectations up front is key. Very sound and effective counsel. Reminds me of Sun Tzu’s point in “The Art of War” that victory without battle is the goal or, “To win without fighting is the best of skills.” Of course, in this case, everyone wins. Thank you for sharing with us.
Bob,
Doing something for “free” with the expectation of any kind of a return makes it not free at all. Providing something of value while expecting to be repaid in terms of the recipient’s sense of value and trust creates an obligation on the other person. Just like a hidden charge, this is not really being honest.
Carl Ingalls
Hi Carl, thank you for your response. I didn’t interpret that the person providing the service was providing it with an *emotional demand or condition* of future work. Not at all. He was doing it both to contribute and to prove the value of his work. Sure, absolutely with the idea that if people found his work to be of value they might engage him in the future – I don’t see that as being a problem or dishonest in any way. It allowed him to contribute to an organization *and* provide a good example of his competency. I think the challenge he had is that – once he did that once, it was expected that he would *always* do it at no cost. Does it appear that I might have missed something?
Bob,
Your story did not suggest that there was any expectation of future work. However, there was a clear expectation that the person’s actions would “establish value and trust”. This is an expectation of a return from the person he was doing the work for. Not revealing this expectation is a case of not being fully honest with the other person, and perhaps not with himself either.
Establishing value and trust is ultimately more valuable than a single piece of future work. Ironically, what the person did had the effect of sabotaging both.
By doing the work without explaining his motivations, the logical assumption is that the work or the giving was it’s own reward. When there is nothing expected in return, it is perfectly natural for someone to conclude that “there is plenty more where that came from.” This diminishes the sense of value of what was received.
By doing the work without revealing that he was expecting something in return, he created a trust problem. Many people hesitate to accept “free” help, because they don’t know what it’s going to cost them in the end.
There are lots of great solutions to this. Here are a few pointers.
1. Always focus on value. Do not give anyone something that they do not value.
2. The value that matters is the value that the recipient receives and perceives.
3. The best way to determine the recipient’s estimation of the value of something is to find out what they will do to get it.
4. A direct way to ask is: “If I do this, then what will you do?”
5. Make sure that you clearly understand what you want in return, be open and transparent about it, and make sure that the recipient commits to that before you proceed.
6. Compensation does not have to be in money, or even something that is given back to the giver.
7. “Pay It Forward” is one of many great compensation schemes.
By the way, I did not think up these things. I learned them from studying and especially from practicing High Probability Selling.
Carl Ingalls
Hi Carl, I do *see* what you’re saying. I think it’s another of those cases where we are just seeing his intent from two different views. Thank you for your comments and teachings though. (I’ve got to admit, I’m not personally crazy about point 4 in your list of pointers, but that might just be me.)
Hello Bob, and thank you very much for writing about this, and giving us all an opportunity to discuss it.
As for point #4 in my previous comment, I believe that the majority of people would find that level of directness to be very uncomfortable. That was once true for me as well. However, the discomfort begins to fade when you begin to do these things (with a neutral attitude), and then experience the results. They are surprising.
Thank you again, Carl Ingalls
Bob, I love the advice you gave on how to handle this.
I see where Carl came from about doing something with the “intent of gaining trust.” That statement immediately gave me a bad taste in my mouth. It seems manipulative and not something I would personally appreciate if done to me. To do a favor to add value to someone, or in this case, to an event, is honorable, but to do it to gain someones trust, just isn’t honest.
I agree with you about #4, it goes back to not giving to give, but a conditional term on giving.
I learn so many practical things from you Bob.
Thank you,
Amy
Bob, was the “reader” doing that service to gain the trust of the person he was helping, or was he doing it to help the person he was helping, get trust from attendees? That can really be read both ways. If it was for the person he was helping, “my bad”, spoke without claifying.
Hi Amy, I’m not sure I understand what problem you or anyone would have with a person doing something with the “intent of gaining trust” unless you are interpreting the words “gaining trust” as being in the same vein that a con artist would try and “gain trust” before a con. And, I don’t know why that would be the interpretation of this person’s intent. (Not to mention, those were not his words. His words were, “in order to establish value and trust.”)
I took it as, he was new to a group and felt that if he donated his services, he could both help out *and* demonstrate the value he could provide. It certainly does not obligate anyone to then utilize his services for pay after that. I don’t really see why Carl interpreted it any differently, but I didn’t feel it was a back-and-forth that needed to continue.
In answer to your question, he was wanting that person and everyone else in the group to get to know him and to “trust” his competency in his field.
I personally see nothing wrong with this at all. That’s why I focused on answering the ensuing challenge that came about. Thanks for writing, my friend.
Hello Bob,
The issue of obligating someone to “utilize his services for pay” in the future is a completely different issue. I did not address that issue in my comments. I was talking only about the expectation “to establish value and trust.” As I stated before, value and trust are far more important than any single piece of future paid work. These are the important issues.
Carl Ingalls
Bob,
I was interpreting it from a statement and act I previously saw play out.(con job) It saddens me to tears and more, to think that I gave the knowledge of something bad, the power to change how I look at something unrelated and pure. This is something I NOW want to change about me and I assure you that I will dig deep to do just that.
Furthermore, after reading your reply, I thought about my team and I “establishing trust” with our clients. It’s an everyday action that is part of who we are as good stewards of the service we offer. And as you say, “People do business with those they know, like,and trust.”
I’m grateful that you thoughfully responded to my question.
Amy
Hi Carl and Amy, thank you for your comments. I think these kinds of discussions are terrific because they help clarify how each of us as individuals – and from our individual frames – see words, phrases and intent. It’s one reason why I constantly emphasize “semantics” and how important they can be (other than the times it really is, “just semantics”) LOL. Thank you both again!