In Part One we defined Gossip as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share.”
In discussing the five steps necessary to break this destructive habit, we saw that Step #1 was to be aware that you have this problem, and Step #2 was to make the decision to overcome it. Let’s continue.
#3 Build a Fence, or, “Don’t Bring Home The Oreo’s”
In Other words, as much as you are able to, keep away from situations that usually lead to gossip. In the same way that a fence will hopefully keep an unwelcome neighbor from entering your property, or not keeping Oreo cookies in your home will keep you from indulging in an 11:00 junkfood snack, avoiding “gossip-laden” situations will help you to resist that particular temptation.
#4 As David Bowie Sang, “Ch-Ch-Ch-Change” (the subject, that is)
Whether talking to an individual or to a group, if you sense gossip about to be spoken (or it just has been), quickly – yet smoothly and tactfully – change the subject. Don’t insult, put down or embarrass the person who’s talking; just simply change the direction. How to think of something on the spot to change it to? That’s where preparation comes into play.
Have, in your mind, several topics, recent events, or other happenings (non-gossipy, of course) into which you can easily segue. If this fails to stop the gossip, simply politely excuse yourself and exit stage left (or right). If they ask why you are leaving. you can either suggest (kindly) that talking about others makes you feel uncomfortable, or you can simply say you need to leave. You are telling the truth; you DO need to leave…in order to avoid listening to gossip.
In the next article, we’ll look at the fifth and final step; this one actually “reversing” the process…in a good way.
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Great advice! I’ve never been one to overindulge in gossip, although I do have a natural curiosity about people’s lives & stories. Gossip though is a distortion I think, of this natural & healthy trait. Gossip often becomes delight over other people’s unfortunate situations, not healthy at all.
I do my best to stick to “If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say anything at all” 🙂
Sometimes, as a way to avoid repeating gossip I actually just say that sentence!
Thanks Bob for encouraging people to let go of an unhealthy habit that doesn’t do anyone any good!
Don’t bring home the Oreo’s! LOVE THAT!
This is a great series and you left us hanging for #5! Will certainly be tuning in tomorrow.
If gossip is defined as “Any type of harmful or hurtful communication that is not absolutely necessary to share,” what is it called when people are saying positive things and sharing positive news – both of which are not necessary to share.
I am quite sure that part 3 will “gossipentance” – a combination of gossip and repentance. We all know people who are positive talkers – it is very rare to hear them engage in negative gossip.
However, wanted to share a thought that I have shared with many who have been hurt by gossip. Most of us have at one time or another, had someone gossip about us and experience first hand the hurt that can been caused. My first suggestion is for all of us to immediately seek to find what the root cause of the gossip is, and if there might be any truth to it. If we find truth, deal with the issue that it addresses with regard to our own shortcoming. By doing this, we will gain something from what was meant in a negative. For example; I once heard a former basketball player telling another student as they walked by my office, “that’s my coaches office, I would stop in and say hi, but he doesn’t listen to me.” OUCH! However, I was able to learn much from that little statement (he didn’t think I was in). I never approached him about his comment, I just worked on my issue and worked to make sure all my players knew how much I cared for them. Second, approach the person who has gossiped directly with humility. It is amazing to me how much gossip is a cycle. One person says something negative about another, then before you know it, the one who was gossiped against begins telling everyone he/she knows about the wrongdoing – thus gossiping themselves. Third, help gather the feathers! As your blog from a year ago mentioned, once gossip is done, sometimes the damage can’t be undone. However, by working with the person who has harmed you to restore the relationship, the damage can be limited. When people find out that the relationship is restored, they often focus on that instead of what was said. Last, when someone has harmed you with gossip and doesn’t care, thus making restoration out of reach, forgive and move on to set the record straight when possible, but most of the time, it is best to just not mention it. The most dangerous result of gossip is usually self-inflicted bitterness. I once read that bitterness is like swallowing poison and trying to hurt someone by spitting it at them.
Thanks Bob for the article – great stuff, and can’t wait for #5.
Claire: Thank you for your feedback, and your sound advice!
Dondi: Thank you. Unfortunately, the Oreo thing is all too true for me. LOL
Teri: You’re right; positive things and positive news aren’t “necessary” to share. Great when it is, though. As for, “what is it called?” I guess, “uplifting and edifying speech.” Thank you.
Steve: Thank you for taking the time to share your terrific wisdom and advice. Much appreciated!