Later this week, we’ll continue our look at one of my new heroes, Le Herron, author of Making Your Company Human. I’ve enjoyed reading your comments in response to the first two articles.
Today, let’s address a reader’s question on a different topic. He wrote:
—–
“I genuinely try to have the attitude of wanting to be nice to someone who is difficult to deal with, but can’t seem to get over the feeling of, ‘Well, if he’s nice to me first, then I’ll be nice to him.’ I find that reaching out first doesn’t work for me because, really, I don’t like nasty people, and I feel phony about being nice to someone I don’t like. Am I wrong? Is there a way to overcome these feelings?”
—–
While it’s not a matter of being right or wrong, I very much appreciate your question. Please understand that what you’re feeling is very natural. After all, I don’t think many of us have an innate desire to be nice to difficult people. However, the world being what it is, plenty of them are out there. Not to mention, those who are basically good people and for one reason or another there is simply not a simpatico between us.
So, in dealing with others, we need to make a decision as to whether we want to “be right or be effective.” The good news is that, when we are effective, we also become right. When we can teach ourselves to like a person (even one difficult to like), they will sense it, and most likely will feel the same way about us. And, now that they like us, it’s much easier to feel good about them. Ahhh, a cycle of success that cannot be beat.
In answer to one part of your question, no, I don’t believe it would be phony because you are taking an action with the desired result that it will add value to the lives of everyone involved. Sure, you could wait for them to change on their own (“if he’s nice to me first”) but, since they are living in their own paradigm and are most likely unconscious of such, it is up to you to set – or reset – the matrix.
This is different than what we’ve discussed in previous articles regarding positive expectation of others. Here, we are talking about you, and you changing. And, there’s no reason you can’t change your mind-set to feel good about him first. In Part Two we’ll discuss this idea a bit further.
Enjoy this post? Receive an update when our next post is published by entering your best email address below and clicking Get Updates.
Bob,
Great blog and article, thanks for the post on Facebook too. I LOVE what you said to the question on your blog, IT’S NOT ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG. It’s amazing that the very belief system (ego and judgement really) that needs to measure “right” or “wrong” cause such limitations. As we change our conciousess, take responability for our thoughts, actions, and feelings, THE WHOLE WORLD COULD BE “wrong” and we have no need to recognize that conflict. We can remain in harmony, internal peace, and celebrate EVERYTHING AS IS! My friend calls it “Greatness AS IS.”
(A little side note, this conciousness of right and wrong is EXACTLY what happened in the story of Adam and Eve. When Adam participated in the “tree of KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL (right and wrong)” he immediately found himself seperated from God.)
I like the title of your post, ACTIONS PRECEDE FEELINGS. I also like how on Facebook you qualified that by saying also Feelings can precede actions, and that “both action and feelings begin with thought!”
The AMAZING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ACTION AND FEELING is that it feeds into it’s own cycle, it self perpetuates it’s own continued momentum. THOUGHT DETERMINES WHAT THAT MOMENTUM IS, but it’s ACTION AND FEELING that cause the wheel to turn.
Example, When i am frustrated or at discord with my wife, I’m learning that an ACTION of love, causes the FEELINGS of love. I also know that when I am FEELING LOVE already, the FEELING of love causes ACTION of love. THE 2 FEED EACH OTHER!
IT’S LIKE A BATTERY AND AN ENGINE. They feed each other. Once the engine starts, the electricy flows back to the battery keeping it charged, and then flows through the battery feeding electricity back to the vehicle. The battery gives life to the engine, the engine gives life back to the battery.
YOU’RE BLOG SAYS ACTION PRECEDES FEELINGS…While both action and feelings DO FEED EACH OTHER, like an energy feeds a battery, and the battery feeds the engine, in this analogy, ACTION is the battery. ONCE FEELINGS (the engine) is started, the flow between ACTION AND FEELINGS begins, and of course FEELINGS becomes the driving force. BUT – when the engine (feelings) is not running, ACTION (the battery) is what FIRES IT UP! Once feelings is “fired up” everything flows together. THAT’S WHY EMOTION (E-MOTION) is the results of MOTION (or “action” precedes feelings).
THANKS FOR ALL YOU DO MAN!
jr
Bob you are brilliant. THIS is especially brilliant: “We need to make a decision as to whether we want to be right or be effective.” Yes!
I often teach in my conflict management seminars, that there is no such thing as a “difficult” person – which always starts a lively debate. And after some open discussion, participants eventually get the point. But never have I been able to express it as well as this..
“… since they are living in their own paradigm and are most likely unconscious of such, it is up to you to set – or reset – the matrix.”
The truth is, we each have our own unconscious paradigm, which (dare I say it) sometimes means that it is “we” who are perceived as the difficult ones. Dare it be true? : ))
Thanks Bob for expanding our viewpoints and providing such sage advice. I appreciate you.
Great Article! Love the Blog Bob!!!