In Part One we heard from a reader who did not feel right being nice to someone he found to be difficult because it felt phony to him. However, since the chances are that people such as he or she aren’t going to be nice to you first (which is what he felt should happen before returned those actions in-kind) the suggestion was that we can actually “act our way” into liking that person. From there, reaching out is easy. And, the results will be to turn this current or potential enemy into a friend.
This is not the exact same thing as positive expectation (where the focus is on them) but actually changing our thoughts about ourselves and our feelings.
So, back to developing the characteristic of feeling good about someone we really don’t like? The way to feel it is to first act it! While we say this in the title, we actually barely alluded to it in the previous article.
So, here’s the principle: “Action precedes feeling.” It’s amazing how it works.
For example, a person is sad. Do they need to have a happy incident occur “to” them before they can be happy? No, it’s been proven that if you act happy, you will become happy. While many authors, including Marcy Shimoff, in her excellent book, Happy For No Reason explain exactly why and how it works, including the effect within the brain, we don’t need to discuss that here. It’s just enough to know that it works.
Happiness is independent of external circumstances (which doesn’t mean there aren’t external circumstances that can legitimately cause sadness, but not as a general way of
being). Change your actions and you’ll change your emotions.
For example, smile really, really big – I mean, from “the inside out” – and just try to feel sad. Can’t do it. 🙂
If you’re feeling lazy and lethargic, straighten up, walk tall, walk fast, walk with purpose and energy, and that’s exactly how you’ll begin to feel.
So, in answer to the original question in Part One, Practice “feeling” good about a difficult person by “acting” good towards that difficult person. Yes, at first it is an act. That’s okay. Perfectly acceptable. Then, when the person picks up on your action and relates more benevolently towards you in return, your good feelings really will be true.
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Another great post. I agree completely with the “practicing” to feel good, most people think you feel good or you feel bad and that’s it. I believe you are the biggest cause of your mood and outlook. Practice being happy and before you know it it becomes habit. How do I know…that’s what I’ve worked on for the past 5 years, and my life has become 100% better from doing that one action. Thanks Bob.
You got it Bob. We all have this undeniable mind-body connection, just ask any body language expert. For most, it is our thoughts which drive our feelings, and subsequent actions. No one would argue that “thought precedes feelings” also. I think you aluded to this in Part 1 of this topic if I’m remembering correctly.
Whether one is in the “thoughts precedes feelings” cycle or the “action precedes feelings” cycle, the point you make so brilliantlly is that we have CONTROL! We don’t have to fall victim to our emotion, and lie to ourselves that there is nothing we can do about it. We absolutely CAN do something about it.
The two choices are: Change your thoughts (what you are focused on) OR Change your body. Both will get you there.
Love your wisdom Bob. Now, I think I’ll go “straighten up, walk tall, … ”
; ))
Great post, Bob. What “change your actions and you’ll change your emotions,” brought up for me is thoughts about gratitude. I’ve learned that you can’t be grateful and unhappy at the same time. So living in that place of gratitude is often transformational for me. When I remember to return to gratitude, things shift.
The other thing this post reminded me of is the concept of Namaste–where the Spirit in me connects with the Spirit in you. Visualizing my heart connecting with the heart of the other person tunes me in to what really matters. Because ultimately, it’s about how I show up in the world, not about the other person’s behavior. And when I can remember this in the moment (which, unfortunately, is not 100% of the time), relationships are so much more powerful.
Thanks for these wonderful reminders this morning.
Another thing that helps me to get along with difficult people is to imagine them as a baby. At one time, they were this delightful child who was innocent and beautiful. It helps me soften my approach and understand that they are doing the best they can, but maybe became hardened by their life experiences. Once I change my perspective, I’m able to act more positive toward the other person.
Thanks for a great post!
Renee Ludwigs
I have also found that when you put aside negative feelings and treat a difficult person kindly, they often soften up their demeanor toward you. Quite often, their attitude has nothing to do with you, but with an outside situation (it is about them!) They may be unaware they are difficult and are used to tough negotiations because that is what they have always dealt with or learned from.
Meet them for a cup of coffee, show an interest in them. They might just turn out to be a great ally instead of an obstacle.
So true! We are what we choose to be. Our paths are directed by our actions. Day by day…
Thank you ALL for your amazing, helpful, and wisdom-filled comments. You continue to inspire me!
I’m really enjoying your blog Bob. Thanks for all of your great ideas in dealing with potentially difficult people. “Action precedes feeling.” That’s a keeper. Thank you.
Aloha, Bob