I recently posted the following on my Facebook page:
“Tact and politeness should not be misconstrued as compromise.
The two are not necessarily one and the same.”
Whether we’re talking about this within the context of an informal (or formal) debate, a corporate negotiation or a simple transaction between a buyer and a seller, the principle holds true.
I make this point, not because I don’t believe in compromise, which is often vital in the day-to-day getting along and working with others, but because of a certain prevalence becoming more and more common every day:
It’s that either/or thinking that, if you agree, you behave in a manner which is kind and nice but if you are philosophically or in other ways opposed, you must be nasty, interrupting and downright insulting to the other person.
Very few debates, disagreements or negotiations are settled in this way, though they are often prolonged. Very few minds (and their corresponding beliefs) are changed as a result of one being put-down, yelled at or otherwise insulted. Though, through this methodology, one’s opinions are often solidified and perhaps caused to be immutable.
Being polite; being gracious; being kind and tactful does not mean you agree with that person; nor does it signify you will cave in. While it’s fine to negotiate on “things” it is not okay to cave on our principles and beliefs (unless or until we are shown ours are incorrect or that at least the possibly occurs that they may be).
I loved the following two comments regarding the quote that leads this article:
MaryKay Morgan wrote:“One never has to let go of graciousness and good manners even in “tough” negotiations.”
How true: In fact, I’ve always found that the more you maintain them the more successful you are likely to be in accomplishing your goal. The reason is that – when you maintain your sense of tact and kindness, the other person will be less inclined to maintain their defensive shield. They’ll feel good about you, and begin to like and – yes – possibly trust you. At that point, change can occur.
John Geraghty responded: “Not only do we not have to let go of graciousness and good manners in ‘tough negotiations,’ it seems as soon as we do, the negotiation devolves into an ego match. Far better to stay connected with a generous and empathic listening, which almost always inspires reciprocity and open dialogue in the long run.
I think that MaryKay and John should have written this post. Great comments!
So, stay true to your principles, but don’t lose your class. 🙂
How are you doing in this regard? Are you able to maintain your focus on the issues without losing your head and making it personal? Have you seen some good examples or…dare I say, some not so good ones? Please let us know.
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This is a great post, Bob!
You are restating the core principles of my favorite business book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
Keep up the great work!
My mother used to tell me to mind my manners and be polite even if you don’t agree. There is nothing wrong with stating your opinion, but there is no need to be mean. She had her own small business which was quite successful and I rarely heard her raise her voice or lose her temper. Your article is very important. Kindness is something we could all be better at.
Bob — I quite frequently run into this “Devil Gill”/”Angel Gill” internal debate, because of my mission of bringing honesty back to sales. When someone — say a competitor, for example — is advocating manipulation, Devil Gill wants to lambast the bastards while Angel Gill advocates the “try to bring them around” approach.
In most of these cases I’m not trying to change one point of view — the “offending party,” as it were. But rather trying to get the word out to the world that there is another way. So Devil Gill usually prevails.
But I’m wondering … and asking you, Sir Robert, for your opinion on this … whether the Angel Gill approach might be better in the long term. (Admittedly, Devil Gill really likes fighting the people who advocate this type of bully behavior, so even in the face of sound strategy to the contrary he may win this internal debate.)
But that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in your wisdom on the matter.
Thanks!
Thanks Bob, I enjoyed this post. Too often words of disagreement esclalade until both people are yelling at maximum volume. Sometime ago I heard Les Brown say ” A man convinced against his will – is of the same opinion still.” It has stayed with me. I was one of the ‘loudest speaking’ but I am getting better.
Manners are the lubrication that keeps the “Human” machine running smooth. Without lubrication the machine will seize up and will be ruined, then need to be rebuilt.
Joe Vizi
Bob, thanks for sharing this and pointing out a trend that disturbs me as well. I think we get hooked on the feeling that we’ve poured our all into defending our point of view but that sucks us back into that emotionally immature place of high school name calling contests.
As a teen I was a fireball – not wanting to fall into “might makes right” or “the most creative name calling wins the day” – I learned to argue my position passionately and articulately and believed that was the way I would impact the world. I did not see how much damage my approach did to those around me nor did I see how little impact I was really having. Now I think of my life as “testimony” to what I believe. And above any other principle I might have is that all people have value and therefore their views, no matter how opposed to mine they might be, have value. And by honoring that principle first I have found that the impact I have is greater than it ever was when I poured all my energy into “making a difference.” Marrying tact and manners to staying true to my principles has increased my energy and my impact – which gives me an incentive to work toward doing it more consistently.
This really chimes in with the zeitgeist. So many people are talking about politeness, whether it is on Twitter or just generally in life.
I just finished reading a great book ‘Talk to the Hand’ by Lynne Truss about the way our kids are abandoning manners in favour of an ‘It’s not me and it’s not my fault’ mentality.
However, after reading I did think that Lynne Truss had a far more negative view of society than it deserves. Chris Brogan and his ‘Trust Agent’ way of doing things is working in the other direction towards a politer, kinder way of transacting business or just socially. We have to foster this and get the kids to realise that Talking to the Hand means they will not be heard.
Susan: Your Mom; very wise indeed. Sounds like a lovely person.
Chris: “How to Win Friends…” by Carnegie is still, in my opinion, the ultimate book on people skills.
Gill: In my opinion, the “Angel Gill” approach will be better both in the long-term *and* the short-term. Remember, tack, politeness, etc. does not equal compromise (including compromising one one’s own principles) but it does typically work more effectively than the other approach. Why? Because when you go the “higher route” more people will buy into “you”, and you know that, as a sales professional Gill, that they must buy into you before they buy into your idea.
Peter: Thank you. I agree with you completely. And, Les was quoting one of the most famous lines from Dale Carnegie’s excellent book. WOW – is it ever true! Great that you’ve been working on yourself in this area. That was an area I very much needed to work on and I continue to, to this day.
Joe: Very profound. Thank you.
Lucy: I found Chris’ book to be exceptional. A great way of doing business and just being a good person. And, yes, good advice regarding the kids. Behavior that gets rewarded, gets repeated, just like with us adults. 🙂
Dixie: Great teaching, my friend. Yes. And, it very much reminds me of Ben Franklin’s progression; from being a very successful “debater” (and making people feel badly in the process) to being a person who, while holding true to his principles, was able to win people over with tact and kindness.
Thank you all, for your terrific feedback. Much appreciated!
Wow Bob what great thinkers you attract! I love this post. On the rare occasions that I remember to do it, I find that asking more honest and thoughtful questions can do more to make someone appreciate my point of view than cleverly showing off all I know!
And…I second your opinion about How To Win Friends by Dale Carnegie – I read it as a middle schooler and found it life-changing.
Gina, I know you well enough to know that the occasions you do that are not rare at all. Your humility is exceeded only by your kindness.
Great site, exactly what I was looking for, I can’t get your RSS feed to work right in google chrome though, is it on my end?