Many people have a challenge with taking advice and direction. Yet, in the real world, if they’re not doing the right things, or they’re not doing things right, they need to be helped, told, guided, persuaded, etc. and you might be the one who needs to do it. 🙂
The key is to do this not only without offending them, but having them be totally non-resistant to your suggestion, and even embracing it. You can do this very effectively with, what I call, “Qualifiers.” Simple to use, they work like a charm.
Tom from Texas wrote (excerpted), “Bob, how would you suggest giving advice to someone without their getting their “ego in a sling?”
Tom, you are right on with that question, my friend. The fact is, people generally don’t like to be told “what to do” in the first place, and definitely don’t enjoy being told “how to do something better” in the second place. This doesn’t include everyone, of course; but certainly enough people that it behooves us to know how to work with such a person.
There are two solutions that I find work very well. One is the “Third-Party Explanation” which we’ve discussed previously. Here, let’s look at the “Qualifier.”
A Qualifier is a short phrase that makes your advice more acceptable and easier to embrace. Simply use these qualifiers before the actual advice. A few examples – with the Qualifier underlined and in italics – might be:
“Steve, I might be wrong about this; why don’t we try putting the widget here.”
“Shirley, this is just a thought; I’m wondering if perhaps the whichamahoozee would be more cost-effective if we …”
And this one will practically always make the person more receptive:
“Joe, you know more about this than I do; I’m wondering though if . . . ”
Many master persuaders become adept at using qualifiers whenever and to whomever they offer advice. Let’s face it; sometimes the pill is simply easier to swallow if it’s mixed
into the applesauce.
Are there any “Qualifiers” you’ve used that have worked particularly well for you and the other person that you would like to share with us?
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Great piece (as usual) Bob – thanks for bringing up this valuable topic.
When I’m working with clients (and even friends and family for that matter) – I use the “Feel, Felt, Found” Qualifer…..
I understand how you feel and have felt the same (or similar), what I found is …….
Also, I’m often able to personally relate something the other is going thru and share that “I don’t know if you felt this way, but when I ….., I felt …..” opening the door of acceptance for what they are experiencing.
Last, but certainly not least, refrain from “should-ing” on people, much more effective and palatable to “suggest”.
TTFN – Nancy
I’ve been taught to associate a suggestion given with people or situations the person has voiced they want to be like or participate in.
For instance,
“Leaders within our organization who have followed these simple steps find that they have significant success.”
“Learning new things is not always comfortable, but every successful entrepreneur understands that to be successful themselves, they had to follow in the footsteps of others first.”
What is the recipient going to say “Well, I’m not a leader!” or “I don’t want to be successful!”
Worked like a charm on me, works like a charm on my team members who really desire to win!
Thanks Bob,
Jennifer
Great way to shine a spotlight on “it’s not what you say…” and Tom makes an excellent point, it is the ego that we prick when we suggest (with the BEST of intentions) that there might be a “better” way. Since a healthy ego is simply our sense of self as unique from other people I find that I am more likely to be heard when I honor that sense of self. So I might start with something I have heard THEM say already but with the disclaimer that I might have misunderstood and then am very clear that it is a SUGGESTION not an OPINION. So it goes something like this… “Tom, I think I heard you say that what you really want to have happen is _______ but maybe I misunderstood?” I wait for clarification or validation from Tom. “I wonder what would happen if we/you tried ___________ – do you think we/you could make it happen that way?” I find what often comes from that is that THEY suddenly have a great idea and it isn’t always exactly what I suggested but it is usually close. Since I care more about outcome than credit everyone wins!
Nice point about honoring the unigueness in each person, and validation a person’ s self, Dixie. Thanks! A light bulb of understanding came on for me.
Great post, as usual Bob. You make being excellent look easy. That trait alone is enough to let me know that someone has mastered something. You are a master, Bob.
Sigh… maybe this flies in the workplace, but I came across this article for relationship advice!! Good luck getting that to work with your significant other… maybe once or twice, but once they are onto the trick you won’t even be able to get half the sentence out 🙂 Heck I’ll give it a shot though, beats getting into an argument anytime I suggest how to get a better sear on a filet or something…