In Part One we saw the difference between two related – but very different – terms, “Responding” and “Reacting.” Let’s take a quick look at how they played out for me personally in one particular instance.
There was plenty of room to pull safely into the parking space. Being too hurried and not paying attention as the situation called for, however, I didn’t notice the man coming out of the car parked in the next space over. I hit the brakes in plenty of time, but it gave the man a scare. He glared at me in a way that communicated being none too pleased (i.e. “if looks could kill”).
He reacted. Who could blame him? Now I had a choice; would I react to his reaction… or would I respond, thereby diffusing an otherwise uncomfortable (and potentially nasty) situation, and hopefully turning a potential enemy into a friend? I chose to respond. I immediately raised my hand with a sincere smile and mouthed, “Sorry, my fault.”
He then immediately responded with a smile and a wave of his own and said, “no problem.” Funny thing is, when I got out of my car, his words to me were actually, “sorry, I should have looked before getting out of my car.” Can you believe that??!! Actually, yes. And, while every situation is different and with its own individual nuances, the basic principle holds true across the board.
In the final article in this series, we’ll look at both the short and long-term results of living in “Response Consciousness.”
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My experience with reacting vs. responding reminds me how the emotion of fear shortens one’s fuse, enabling an explosive reaction, often where one is unwarranted.
If, in our moments of heated engagement, we remember those who are being reactive are experiencing fear, whether “justified” or not, we can often diffuse the situation by environment within which they feel safe.
A prerequisite is that we live in such an environment ourselves. Einstein said “the most important decision you will ever make is whether you live in a safe or a dangerous world.” I think this is why.
Wow, very profound, John. Thank you!
Wow, I’m surprised he didn’t freak out; I mean, in a situation like that it’s not really about saying who is at fault because both people are doing essentially harmless things that however when they combined could become pretty harmful, all you were doing was parking, all he was doing was getting out of his car. I wonder if his change in attitude came also from the person who said, “Opps, my bad!” If I were the KID in the car that almost ran over someone older than me, I’m not so sure I’d get off the hook that easily. I know I should expect the best from people but there are some stereotypes and I’m curious whether or not they would come into play.
Great posts so far Bob 🙂
Hi Michael, Thank you for your question and thoughts. I’m a bit confused (and I’m sure that is simply on my end) as to exactly what you’re asking or the point you are making. Please feel free to write back and clarify. Again, I have no doubt the confusion is with me; not with the way you phrased it.