Over the first three parts, we’ve focused on our responsibility for ensuring that what we intend to communicate is understood by the other person. Yesterday, we discussed Heather’s excellent point that – still – when it comes right down to it, people will interpret according to their own belief systems. Most of the time, this is unconscious. This makes it no less true. It’s simply one of those “Laws of Life.”
Of course, you and I fall victim to this very same Law. We tend to interpret through our belief systems. Ours are also firmly in place and just as vulnerable to misinterpretation as that of others.
Sometimes, we take things out of context. Other times, we misunderstand one’s entire point completely. And, still other times, because we attach a certain meaning to one word based on our own past experiences, we see the person as meaning something totally different than what they intended.
Has anyone ever done any of those to you, unintentional as it was? I think it happens to all of us from time to time. It can be frustrating, can’t it? It’s also an excellent reminder for us to stay conscious of not doing the same to others.
Main point: We all (I, more than anyone) need to stay consciously aware of our very human tendency to filter the words of others through our own mental software. Being aware gives us a fighting chance to overcome it. We can then take steps to gain better understanding.
For example, reversing yesterday’s suggestion, we can paraphrase back to them what we believe they meant and ask questions – again, when context and situation is appropriate – to determine if we understood them correctly.
Accept responsibility for being understood. Accept responsibility for understanding. It doesn’t always work out the way we’d like it, but it’s a goal to constantly shoot for.
If I may, I’d like to summarize this series with the following two points, followed by an additional thought: If our goal is to become the best and most effective communicator we can be, it is up to us to – as best as possible …
- Ensure that when we are speaking/writing, we take responsibility for making sure our point is communicated clearly and that the other person understands us.
- Ensure that when we are listening/reading, we take responsibility for making sure we understand the intent of the other person.
Additional thought (and this will greatly increase likeability as well as understanding): as the listener/reader, if you find that your immediate reaction is to disagree with the person, then, before verbalizing it or writing, first ask yourself, “what else could he/she have meant in this context? Am I seeing it as they probably meant it or am I seeing it subjectively? Am I listening with an ‘ear toward understanding’ or an ear toward disagreeing?”
Staying conscious of the above two points (and the additional thought) won’t make any of us perfect communicators. It will make us much, much more effective and persuasive communicators.
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As you pointed out, Bob, it all comes down to awareness. Awareness that our think is not necessarily indicative of how we are perceived. By noticing verbal, physical (body language), or energetic responses to what we say, we can exercise our responsibility to both listen and be understood
I like this – Ensure that when we are listening/reading, we take responsibility for making sure we understand the intent of the other person.
often I find myself impatient to listen because I am well impatient… thanks.
(Ha! I love your honesty Kevin!)
“what else could he/she have meant in this context? Am I seeing it as they probably meant it or am I seeing it subjectively? Am I listening with an ‘ear toward understanding’ or an ear toward disagreeing?”
hmm…good points. Especially the second one! I have a friend who is a brilliant coach who often says “we are great at finding evidence to support our beliefs. The problem is we are great at finding the evidence to support our negative ones!” So true! How often do we start off thinking “this guy is an idiot..” and then either don’t hear anything else that they say, or listen for proof that they are from that point on!
Incidentally, I often find myself trying to point out ‘the other side’ or possible intentions of others when I talk to certain people in my life. They often get frustrated and either say “I’m not going to argue with you (or) who’s side are you on?” Guess WANTING to hear it the way that it was intended important as well! And for those who don’t, well you can only do your part:)
Hi Bob! I love the part where you ask us to ask ourselves the question ” Am I listening to this with an ‘ear toward understanding’ or an ear toward disagreeing?”
I am a real good communicator, in biz that is 🙂
Having said that, lets take this personal for a moment, as the skills you teach are relavant in any and all situations.
After 7 years of marriage, 4 business, 3 dogs, 7 cats, 12 rabbits, and 2 children, my family and I dont always communicate real well and there is lots of disagreeing. You make me aware that I might just “Always” be listening with an ear toward disagreeing……
I like to put into pratice what I learn, so for the rest of this week i will do a test. I will use my awareness of these communication skills to see how much I can improve our families communication, my intention is “To make all our lives better”. I’ll keep you posted and as always my friend, thank you so much for your inspired instructions 🙂
Jack, I loved your comment about paying attention to the non-verbal as well. We can glean a lot from another’s body language. At the same time, what is out body language communicating.
Sometimes people are so eager to express their point of view, they don’t fully listen to what is being said to them. They may be more likely to misunderstand what we are saying. For this, we have no control, but as Bob said, we just need to take responsibility for ourselves and our message.
Loved this series Bob!